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Windows

For many years I have been known to look closely at my eyes in mirrors.

The urge comes upon me when I notice something vaguely ‘off’ energetically.

During the 99% of my life I lived inauthentically, I would never have had the where-with-all to discriminate exactly WHAT was off because there was not a real and true person behind those eyes.

And so I looked.

Checked out my eyes real close.

Were they sort of grey and filmy?

Or distant and removed?

Maybe I got surprised by seeing bright white with a generous dollop of hazel floating there.

More often they were veiled and almost mute.

By doing this weird ritual, I was getting a reality check.

I couldn’t give it to myself because, well… I wasn’t THERE!

As I write this I am thinking about who I was on my recent trip to Colorado.

I have been gestating at home for a couple years now. Truth be told afraid to travel because of logistics and fear of the unknown in general, actually.

I had no idea how to move through the world independently.

I also REALLY needed these couple years to segue into this version of Cathy.

All this sounds like I know/knew what I was doing but I don’t/didn’t.

I didn’t know this whole gestating time would give rise to the confident and extroverted woman I experienced on my trip.

She was new to me.

She made relationships wherever she went and felt life in her blood whether she was exhausted or rested.

There was ABSOLUTELY NO NEED to look in the mirror because I was right there for myself and everyone else..

Right there… present and alive and vulnerable and curious and tired and worried and grateful and willing..

All of it.

And it was GREAT to meet her!

Had no idea she was as together as that.

Together isn’t really right..

I AM HEALTHY! .. AND VERY ALIVE.

I see that I couldn’t have known the changes which have taken place in me had I not left familiar territory behind.

As an artist, I know the value and need for times of gathering.

It often looks to others like withdrawal and quite possibly depression but certainly disengagement.

In my art life I never really felt the need to explain or apologize for those times because I knew I was filling myself up and eventually it would appear in form.

How is it that I did not extend myself the same generosity of spirit in my healing process?

Why have I been thinking I SHOULD be producing more or BEING more?

Once more, I shall put the pesky and larger-than-life judge to bed and try to leave her there without food or water.

And I shall eat cake.

Joe Montana and Lipstick

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Yesterday, I bought a new shade of lipstick…

And last night I dreamed of JOE MONTANA.

I didn’t even think I knew who Joe Montana WAS!!

I don’t ever watch football because I can never find the ball in the midst of crashing maleness.

So, here I am, waking from a dream in which I meet Joe.

I am sitting on the ground with my back against a wall and he joins me there.

We like each other. He flirts. I feel fluttery. Life is good.

The conversation ends and it is time for me to get up and retrieve my walker which he has not seen yet.

The point of me telling you this is this:

In the dream, I did NOT cave to tears or apology or even anxiety in the unveiling of this new piece of information to my dream icon.

I JUST DID IT..

I got up (in my dream..) and got my walker and carried on with grace and the confidence of a true ‘warrioress in life.’

I know it was the new lipstick that ushered in this dream.

The perfect lipstick is a tool to be reckoned with.

Egyptian women knew the power of adornment better than any.

You may think I am kidding here…

Not a chance.

That dream was showing me what I have in me..what I have earned.

It was one of those rare iconic dreamscapes which arrive as a gift and message.

I am NOT my disability.

I am a woman interested in LIFE.

The fact I chose Joe to join me tells me that I may be playing too small.

Or, rather, I may have it in me now to widen my field of possibilities.

All this because of my new lipstick..

Transparency

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This, I think is interesting..

A new site developed to graph comparisons between patients challenged by various diseases/symptoms.

I saw an 18 minute video presented to TEDMED which is a relatively new spinoff of TED.com (Technology,Entertainment,Design).

The man who designed this software had a brother with ALS and felt compelled to use his skill set to do what he could to help get information and get it quickly.

It’s heartening to see this type of comparative results graphing from various treatment modes etc. in a user-friendly and graphically interesting way.

Check it out, if you’ve a mind to..

Change

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Interesting how when one changes up one’s life in ANY way that the ripple effect stands true as a universal law.

If you read my blog regularly you may have experienced a redirect to another site in the past few days.

I had my blog tech guy upgrade Wordpress and all hell broke loose.

Everything is better than fine now.

Speaking of change..after my trip last week my physical self is in integration mode.

The journey toward wholeness goes like that..

An action is taken which produces a reaction.

We live in a world of duality so this is the deal..

You do one thing and another thing happens because of it.

Installing a new and better computer capability or working intensively with a healthcare professional or even eating a new food or beginning a relationship.

Divinity and demons are built in.

I suppose the thing to do is notice them and make another action in the direction you choose for yourself.

Toward the ‘demonness’ of blame and loss of hope or ‘this is uncomfortable and I want it gone’ or ‘this is too hard and I’m giving up’…

Or perhaps ‘I wonder what’s around the next corner? It might be better than this,’
or ‘this is new territory (food,person,treatment,behavior,computer program) and I need time to get my sea legs.

For me, since I have lived a good deal of my life with a protected and hardened heart, I generally choose to move toward softness; any choice that leaves me less defended and more open to MORE CHANGE!

That really sounds insane when I write it.

But essentially that very thing is what I’m out for this time around.. moving toward wholeness whatever that looks like.

And as I am sensitive to my inner workings after all the work I’ve done on myself, I can pretty much recognize now when change might help me move closer to home.

Do I always ACT on that knowledge?

NOT.

And then stuff comes back to bite me and I GET TO CHOOSE ALL OVER AGAIN!

I’m telling you, if you can’t make this ride into an interesting one, you may as well get another car..

Frequency

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The physicist I worked with in Colorado is trained in brain mapping and uses a machine developed by NASA during president Gerald Ford’s watch to ease the effects of the havoc extensive travel did to his circadian rythms.

The machine carries a library of thousands of frequencies known to have an effect on the human body and it’s function and well being.

There are only three such machines in existence.

The other two people trained in this work practice solely on celebrities and athletes.

A treatment with my Doc consists of an initial report of current symptoms and her decision as to where to concentrate. There seems to be quite a bit of backround homework she does before and between each appointment.

During an hour long session she attaches electrode bands to my feet, hands, back of neck and forehead respectively for 15 minutes each.

The machine then makes frequencies available for my body to take up as it feels the need.

Nothing is done TO me. My body decides what and if it needs anything.

I feel nothing except a refined ‘buzz’ during the treatment.

The first trip I made to Colorado 8 weeks ago was primarily dedicated to working on my sluggish digestive system.

She said I could not move toward health until my body was adept in taking in the nutrients I gave it in the form of food and supplements.

I was down to eating around 10 foods that I knew would not irritate my stomach and cause a distended belly.

After our initial time together, I can now eat more normally and feel a boost to my constitutional strength which has stayed with me.

During this visit we worked with my ability to get a full 8 hours of restful sleep.

I seem to carry a hefty amount of low grade anxiety along with having to pee 4-5 times per night.

This disallows deep and restorative sleep.

We also worked on detoxing me.

I met with her twice per day for 4 days.  It was intense but doable and after each treatment I returned to the hotel to sleep.

I pretty much slept most of the time I was not in a cab or on her table.

After the first day, I itched and scratched my way through the night, breaking the skin at times from the release of unwanted toxins my body had been harboring.

This lasted the night but was gone in the morning.

She worked quite a bit on my sacrum area and the results have been that yesterday, as I practiced re-entry into my familiar world in Santa Fe, I was irritable and tired only to wake today clear and bright with strength and balance not present before.

I  feel a smooth quality and relaxation which has markedly changed my well being.

I now dream and remember them which was not the case previously.

She asked that I call her weekly with a report on changes which may occur.

I am fully aware this method of healing is no quick fix yet the fact is that I am getting results which are real and lasting.

I believe in this work.

I will return in 6-8 weeks.

In the course of my health challenge I have experimented with many, many modes of healing.

Understandably, treatment does not work for me unless I am 200% behind it.

Unless I believe.

Some may beg to differ.

This is one woman’s experience.

Today, I still walk with a walker and struggled to put my socks on but I have a much stronger foundation I move from and, to me, this is invaluable.

All joint pain is gone.  I can eat normally.  I sleep deeply and wake rested.  I have more of myself available to meet the world.

And onward I go…..

Home Is Wherever You Are

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It feels good to be home from my trip.

It was the first time I had travelled solo since belonging to the ‘walk with support’ club.

I watched myself truly shine as I negotiated wheelchairs at each transfer; to car to chair to plane to chair to regular chair (wait for the delayed plane and wait some more) to wheelchair to plane to wheelchair to cab to fabulous hotel.

I became the extroverted Cathy I think I almost lost.

Even in my weakness and exhaustion, I somehow pulled it together to engage with people I made lasting friendships with.

The shuttle driver from airport to hotel was an older gentleman who had a wisdom and open-heartedness about him I was drawn to. I began a conversation during which he told me of his daughter with MS and wife who had passed away a few years ago whom he visits daily at her grave.

He wanted to tell those stories and I wanted to tell mine.

I wanted to listen and so, apparently, did he.

And from there a thread of recognition and care extended throughout the week as he checked on me daily at the concierge to see if I needed anything.

My activities for my week in Colorado consisted of seeing the Dr. twice each day for an hour long treatment (more about this later), then back to the hotel to sleep or eat then get up the next day and do it again.

I did not rent a car as the hotel was close to the clinic so I spent a good deal of time in cabs.

The first two drivers were intent on asphyxiating me with pine-scent and converting me to their brand of Christianity.

I have nothing against Christianity, mind you…

The third man was Michael.

I hope to never lose contact with him.

He picked me up on time 4 times a day as I came and went to my appointments.

We slipped into an easy, extended conversation about life and family and thriving in a screwed up world and frailty and strength and the power of women (adores his wife and has 4 girls).

We became pretty transparent to one another during the incessant to-and-fro from Dr. to hotel.

Then there were Patrick and Lydia and Rob and Pat and the ladies in the Denver airport waiting with me and holding the plane which had just changed gates and now would depart in 10 minutes across the airport and my wheelchair was nowhere in sight..

What I learned about myself during this week away from all things familiar is a new kind of trust in my ability to distinguish where I want to put my energy and how much without ever losing track of myself.

I built a number of solid, mutually beneficial relationships in a short period of time and they each enhanced my well being multifold.

I witnessed the ease with which doors opened in every direction and I saw that the thing that felt like a bubble of GRACE was a bubble I had blown myself by showing up as authentic and true.

No hiding.

Willing to be seen.

There are certainly risks inherent in this way of being.

But what’s the worst that can happen?

I found myself unafraid and shiny with the confidence of a woman who doesn’t know much beyond what real and precious LIFE feels like when in it’s presence..

…and the flip side of pretense, veiled disappointment and black holes of needs unmet.

I saw that I could acknowledge all of it and choose intuitively the paths that led me toward vitality and an open heart.

These are the gifts of moving away from familiar territory; finding a self you may not have noticed was growing and preening and waiting to be noticed standing right beside you all this time..

I like the girl I met.

Colorado

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I am off to Colorado for a week.

As I don’t have a laptop, this will be my last post until January 30th.

I will be working with the doctor I visited a couple months ago with whom I got such great results.

She is a physicist and works with frequency medicine.

After spending my initial 4 days with her, my digestive system is better than it has been in my entire life which was her intention for the first round with me; to allow my body to take in nutrients so it has a chance to heal.

I am following the ‘results’ trail and will keep you posted when I return.

In my absence, I thought I would leave you with some things to look at which you may not have seen.

This is an eclectic list but, I hope, fun:

1. Elegant, intelligent, witty and wise ministrations from a wheelchair-

2. Interesting look at a ‘gift economy’-

3. A city girl marries a cowboy and moves to a ranch- This girl has the ‘blog-thing’ DOWN and I watch her up the visitor ante by the hundreds. This is LITE with a capitol ‘L’ but good to see photos of ranch life,kids,seemingly healthy family, good cookin’. The Harlequin romance of dirty, sexy ranchlife.

4. Fabulous street fashion. Spare, easy, fun.

5. Inspiring design site.

6. Prosthetic legs like you’ve never seen……

7. Fascinating inroad to what’s current in the technology, entertainment and design worlds.

8. Respect.

Blessings,

Cathy

Anger

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Yesterday was a day of hardware.

Wearing the brace on my leg has caused a quickening of muscle loss because I don’t have to use all of them.

I have a giant resin band-aid that I strap on to do the work for my atrophying muscles.

It does give me support which is really good.

But now I need a separate knee brace to alleviate the hyperextension in my leg.

All this ’strapping on’ of stuff can be slightly daunting until it becomes a familiar part of the story.

Yesterday also brought my new scooter to my door.

It is twice the size I had imagined in my state of intermittent denial.

I really know it will allow me freedom and it goes pretty fast but REALLY!

ALL THIS HARDWARE IN ONE DAY?

Give a girl a break. (not literally)

Right at this moment I want to be Jewish and say words like ‘kvetch’ (?) and all those fabulously succinct and descriptive Hebrew words that are more about the sound and emotion of the thing.

But here I sit, a rather pathetic version this morning of your everyday WASP, bemoaning change and ugly disability hardware and vanity issues and I’m sure there’s other stuff in there too….

So thanks for listening but you are probably through..

As a parting gift in appreciation, I will leave you with this:

Gifted

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GIFTED

A new friend came and

Scrupulously shoveled snow.

My heart was opened.

- CA

Dance

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I like to watch dance movies.

Girl from upstanding backround meets busboy and he sets her free.. those kind of films.

LITE entertainment, surely, but I do love them.

The girl with MS LLLLLOOOOOOVVVEEESSSSSS them!

Could be thought of a torture but, for me, they remind me of a kind of life in my body and soul; free and unhinged.

Last night I watched HAVANA NIGHTS which was the sequel to DIRTY DANCING.

Shot in Cuba, it was full of color-unAmerican, the street beat of their culture amidst the political landscape of the day.

The lead guy says at one point: “You can’t dance with someone if you don’t admit your fear to them.”

That line got me.

I think that means that if you want a masterful union with anything then we must become transparent, unhidden.

I often look at this PPMS I deal with as a sort of dance.

I must constantly take off the blinders and rose-colored glasses to see exactly WHAT IS.

It used to be a breeze to look the other way.

Now, if I do that, I may fall and complicate things terribly.

The “What is?” of this situation changes pretty quickly in my case.

So I really have to be real.

This particular dance is not romantic.

But the focus in mastering the particulars in twists and turns and emotions and physical needs seems somehow similar to me.

I am not a novice, here.

Probably, I would characterize myself as an intermediate student.

A large part of my education has been to make sure pleasure is a basic and constant medication.

For me, this includes dance movies, and dinners with friends, connections with strangers, my dog, writing here, communing with Nature, reading, musing about life and, as I think about it…there is the odd pleasure in being transparent to myself and others as I negotiate this terrain.

It is REAL.

RAW.

Uncharted territory.

But REAL, non-the-less.

That is really something, in this culture of pretense and glitter.

Here, up close and personal, if you’re fortunate you can catch the delicate fragrance of the heart. Open and exposed.

A rare thing, indeed.

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