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Asking For Help

 

 

My nature is a go-it-alone-girl.

It’s not that I don’t like people.   I do.  Very much.   We are unpredictable at best but I like the human race just fine.

Since I am a  ’watcher’  and a creative type,  I spend a good deal of time alone.

I love my own company…  thankfully.

Since I have steeped in solitude most of my life,  when I needed something there was usually one person there to ask-   ME!

I became capable.  I can make things,  fix things,  handle tools,  figure stuff out,  transform things,  design things..  manage with a high degree of satisfaction.

Now things are quite different.

I need help shopping for groceries.   Getting on and off a horse.   Having enough money to buy medication,  supplements in order to function, putting my walker together,  walking my dog,  getting stuff from my car inside the house,  lifting my artwork,  getting supplies to do the work, installing the work,   working at all..,  cleaning my house,  getting my mail,  taking the garbage out,  cooking.

Everything takes longer.  Truly spontaneous time is a thing of the past.

My family wants to know how they can help.   They really want to.   I don’t know what to tell them.   They live far away and can’t shop for me,  do errands,  stuff that I really need.

I hate asking for help.   It’s a language I don’t know.  Yesterday,  a friend said:  ”Well, you could invite someone to drive you up to Abiquiu (2 hours north of Santa Fe and a favorite place of mine) and gather the earth you need for your art project.”  She said it in a way that sounded like it would be fun to have that kind of adventure WITH ANOTHER PERSON.   You see,  normally, when I am around other people for extended periods of time I lose myself,  my precious SELF.  I have worked so hard and long to find her that I can’t risk the chance of losing her.. so I stay alone alot.    But now I can’t.  Or at least I seem to be entering a time where I need people.

Doesn’t this sound sort of pathetic?   When people say:  ”It takes a village,”  meaning we are absolutely NOT islands unto ourselves,  it sounds like a cultural revelation…   I know that the issue I am talking about here;  that of moving from a sort of  ’self-centric’ existence to the big circle of life is not my issue alone.  It is cultural.   National.   A wide, wide world- sized issue.

But the healing starts at home.  In my heart.   Here,  where I stand.

The whole idea of inviting people I care about to participate in my life is a whole different kettle of fish than coming from the place of;  ’oh my God.. I need help with this and I didn’t used to.’

I really have a great life.   It is full.  I am satisfied.  Not just satisfied but eager,  awed and inspired.

Shame to keep that to myself…

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