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Promise

 

 

Funny.. (sort of) that yesterday began with such promise and turned into something well..  I guess I’d say;  ’other than that.’

I went riding and wore black.  It was hot. Very hot.

Heat is one nemesis of MS.

Midway out I began to lose feeling in my right side and couldn’t grip either the rein nor the saddle on that side.  I was slipping to the left in a big way.   By the time I got back,  I could barely get off the horse.

The slow tears started their way down my cheek and I couldn’t hide..

What I was met with was pure kindness..

Carlos,  the main ranch man,  took off my hat and wiped away my tears.   He looked me in the eye and told me a funny story about taking women out to a romantic place for dinner and having to pull out a flashlight to see the menu and how his body disobeys him sometimes and just won’t get with the program.  He wanted to make sure I knew I was not alone in my challenges.  It was just what I needed in that moment.

The kindness of everyone there,  down to the big,  black lab,  Midnight,  left me less frustrated at my loss of function and my vulnerability.

I don’t want to falter.   I don’t want to have people see me falter.

Why the hell not?

Does it make me less than perfect?

The great people I rode with seemed to like having me there.   We were all doing the same thing-   letting the  ’too fast,  too much,  too peopled,  too noisy,  too uncivil world behind for just an hour.   We opened ourselves up to that ever-present thing that is bigger than us,  that heals all our woes and emptiness by just being there and letting us see her;  NATURE in her best dress.  So beautiful that we get amnesia and let ourselves be taken..  taken just one step sideways where broken and tired bodies are moot points and all we care about is how She holds our heart in Her hand and wipes away all the tears we’ve ever cried.

So-  that’s what I was left with after yesterday’s segue from ; ‘This is going to be a GREAT day.  I can just feel it.”
To-  ’Oh my God..  I don’t think I can stay on this horse.”

Just one tiny step to the side of terror,  frustration and helpless feelings are the kindness and acceptance and heal-all salve of fellow humans who will show you your innate perfection when you need to be reminded most.   And NATURE..  her door is always open for us to remember ourselves beyond the grit and grace of our pesky humanness.

Today,  I’m just taking a deep breath.

My Morning

 

I just love early.  Early morning just as dawn eases in.

So full of promise,  don’t you think?

Or not…  depending on your mood.

But today…  TODAY FEELS GOOD!

I’m going horsebackriding.  Then picking up some rocks I had drilled for a project.   Horses.. rocks..  what else does a girl need?

Some days,  like today,  just arrive with goodness built in.  Whatever shows up on my plate today feels ‘doable’.

Of course,  the powers that be may have the last laugh but this morning…  I AM HAPPY.  I FEEL GOOD.

I’m going to prepare myself,   open my door,  step out in the world and be curious;  curious to see what particulars light up in front of me like a Christmas tree asking to be noticed for the absolute perfection they are….

I know I’ll feel surprised..  surprised at what actually shows up as perfection..

It’s liable to be small things like how my dogs’ eyes fill when I tell her I love her,  or the fact I can easily slip onto the horses’ back without making a fool of myself in the process,  or that when I pick up the rocks today at the stoneyard,  the guys are all proud and puffed up at the work they’ve done for me because they know it’s good and will make me happy… these things matter…  these human things;  so small,  so precious.

Today,  I’m just grateful for the opportunity to step out the door on my own steam and witness the whole,  gorgeous theater of it all.

Average Eyes

 

I would guess that the only thing I would attach the word  ’sin’  to would be to go through life with average eyes.

I was lying in bed the other morning and it was early..  just after the sun came up and it had rained hard the day before.  I laid there watching the aspen leaves shivering in that ‘young-girl’ way they do.  Mourning Doves called,   light did that thing it does every day; it arrives.  And we never question it.

The world feels like one big complaint these days..   lay-offs, no sales, reduced nest egg, medical bills..

And yet- there is a gaining upon us.   I can sense it right behind the eyes swollen from tears and the clenched jaw with caved chest curling in to protect the heart.

We are being called to order.

I am being called to order.

Step up to the plate with your armor off and curiosity high.

For me,  this means things like watching what shows up BETWEEN the worried thoughts and  ’make-wrongs’  that are so damn easy to do when life feels bigger than us.

I’m going to watch where my heart opens today.  and tomorrow..  and the next day.

I’m going to keep myself from blaming the world at large for my ‘condition’ and soften my narrowed eyes and really take a LOOK.

I’m going to look at the slight sparkle of hope I have,  just waiting for me to dust it off so I can see;

See the miraculous changes happening in a world so bent on comfort and the security of  ’sameness’.  We ain’t got that no more..  I ain’t got that no more..  My body is not comfortable.   I can’t rely on the comfort of expecting it to do what it did.

So..  Is everything ‘less-than’ because of this?  I don’t think so.

As all our devotion to what WAS evaporates,  there is ROOM for something beyond what we know.

And how exciting is THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today,  I’m just going to look behind the discomfort of change for what might want to come forward and make a place for it to do that.

Just for today.

Woman Becoming

 

WOMAN BECOMING

 

Woman becoming.

Dark kelp forest holds her safe

Till’ she wants your eyes.

.

Butterfly

 

 

Did you know that the time between a caterpillar and when it emerges as a butterfly,  inside the chrysalis is LIQUID?

Yes,  the caterpillar forms the pod-like nest for itself and withdraws from the world.

It begins it’s transformation by surrendering to a liquid state.

It’s innate intelligence gathers into the next stage of existence.

This time it can fly!

The butterfly scratches a way out of the chrysalis and warms itself in the sun.  Gets all the kinks and wrinkles out and lifts off….

I am enchanted with all this as I become aware of the changes in me…   I see in my face that my beauty is deeper,  my well of knowledge is more,  my light is gaining and my connection to Spirit is unbreakable.  I see these things;  notice these changes and yet,  MY BODY DOESN’T WORK RIGHT!  How could this discrepancy be happening?   It does not rationally make sense to me.

And rationality doesn’t have a THING to do with it.

My sense is that my psyche has it’s own pace for evolving,  gathering,  becoming.

My body is hiking its’ own hike-  I like to think it is in that liquid state- similar to the caterpillar / butterfly.

Perhaps,  because my physical body is denser than my psyche,  it needs time and rest and the state of withdrawal from the world to make the leap from caterpillar to flying thing;  to catch up,  so to speak, with the other changes going on in me.

SOMEthing is happening…. I am so grateful to be curious instead of bitter.

Reserve

 

Energy.

How to get it.

How do YOU get it?  Really,  I’m wanting to know.

My sense is that for YEARS,  ages,  eons,  I’ve been spending my energy on others before myself.

I’ve spent it as fast as I got it.

I used to have what felt like an inexhaustible reserve.   Now I don’t.

I am pretty empty,  it seems.

I do one thing per day and I’m spent.

This is not the quality of life that I thrive on.   And we don’t change,  it seems,  until those imaginary rainbow-colored, glittery stories we’ve lived by all this time go grey.

So…  here’s what I’m doing:

Eat green and healthy.   Lie down when I need to.  Go to bed REALLY EMBARRASSINGLY early.   Say no more often.  Meditate.
Keep my home ordered and clean so it’s always restful to look around.   Not do ANYTHING I don’t have to.  Stop worrying so much and become soft in trust.  Stay out of my head.  Learn stuff from my dog.

I could go on but really,  I want to keep this simple.

Here’s my litmus test:

If it feels good, ok.

If it feels hard in any way,  let it go without judgement.

Simple,  huh?

We’ll see…….

I am serious-   tell me what YOU do! I need some ideas, ok?

Fullness of Being

 

Have you ever noticed how some people seem full?

Full of life and an expansiveness that is almost electrifying but really resides in peace?

And then there are other people who seem pinched and wanton and need their inner garden watered?

I love watching people and allowing them to be mirrors for myself.

Yesterday,  I saw a good friend I had not seen in years.  He’s always been part of my ‘tribe’;  my inner circle,  but we don’t know each other well.  We don’t know each other’s stories.  Don’t really care about our respective personalities and how they jive or don’t.   We just ARE together.   It’s never a surprise,  that intimacy when I see him;  just a welcome reminder of what is beyond personality.

Anyway,  yesterday I saw him.  He looked bigger,  brighter and his visage had changed as well as the way he held his body in space.  He looked,  felt utterly new to me.

He told me his stories of recently crashing emotionally and what he did in response to heal.

It was interesting but not as much as how mutable this guy is…

He is FULL..   full of EMPTINESS!!!!  How weird..   Full of nothing..     But the nothing is READY.   Ready to be filled.

I recognize this in myself as well.  This readiness.   I also recognize the pinched quality my body carries.  It is tired,  stressed,  wondering what to do,  scared,  angry at having to face all these ‘body- centric’ issues daily,  frustrated with the spotty results my various actions toward wholeness achieve.

So…. wholeness.    How to get it.  Keep it?

I really get the sense that surrender is a key here.  STOP DOING.

Today,  I will rest in the original net of wholeness that was there before all these pesky ‘lessons’ came along.

I will trust I am not doing this alone and walk purposely in the world but softly;  softly,  not to disturb the gathering of fullness.

Coal

 

Dark days.

Blue mood.

Today,  I’m going south to an old mining town to gather coal for a project.
A friend is helping me with some web design and we are doing a trade for the work.  His web mastery/ my art.

Funny,  how the thought of winding my way down and around until I get to vast spills of coal turns me on..

I’m going to cover geometric forms with this sparkly,  gritty, mysterious,  black stuff.  You can see some work similar to what I’ll do with the coal if you click on:  ”Cathy’s current work”  to the left of this post.

I chose coal for this particular man because he is really familiar with ‘the shadow’ as I am;  not having had an easy time of it on the planet. He is the epitome of cool..  cool motorcycle,   cool hair,  cool demeanor,  cool talk,  fast and smart.   He is oozing creativity and truly a master at what he does.   Thus- the coal…   It generates heat.   So does he.   It has a sheen that makes you want more but it’s tempered with a touch of danger.   So does he.   It is black and multi-faceted and mysterious and makes you think of men working hard in a mine and loading up trains;  dirty with white startled eyes.   My friend is handsome,  though he has that muscled,  ’known hard work’  kind of body.  Anyway, the choice for coal to as the material to do this piece for him feel perfect.   I can imagine the dark, magical stuff covering these shapes hanging on the wall casting intriguing shadows.  I recognize I may have my own story going on here about who he is, but it’s fun and I’m stickin’ to it.

I love my art.

I certainly hope he does.

Just writing about it moved me from black to light.

Life is good.

Off to the coal spill…….

Be Still and No

 

I had a conversation with a friend the other day and he told me he is an adrenaline junkie.  It was exciting to think about as I am from Detroit, Michigan and love cars;  fast cars and big construction equipment for some reason..  Anyway,  when I left him,  I thought:   I remember that ‘me’ who courted danger,  loved a wild ride and was up for doing most anything to shift my state of being from wherever it was to somewhere else.

I love fast but now I am slow.  Movement is very consciously carried out these days.   I keep trying to remember to soften my jaw while I do my day as it grips with the relentless attention to keeping upright with a modicum of grace.   Movement in general has always been critical to my well being.   I love to drive.  I get big things done behind the wheel.   I design,  muse,  have silent (or not) practice conversations,  cheer myself up  and somehow always feel free.   I suppose it’s that ‘long-open-road-American-thing’ but I usually do it by myself and am so grateful for the pleasure.

This love of motion has become an addiction,  I think.   I know,  actually but I can hardly begin thinking about it in that way.  Honestly, it acts as a screen or a veil;  a seductive cover that appears as if I’m doing something but often it is inane errand-doing.   I think I’m running…running FROM something . Sounds so cliche’ but I really have to look here..

As effortless motion is no longer my birthright,  my energy reserves are smaller.  I can no longer just feel the itch to drive north into Georgia O’Keeffe country and spontaneously get that hit of freedom.

So… where does that leave me?

Fast and free is sexy.   Is slow sexy?   How much is cultural habit?  How much is Cathy habit?

 THERE IS GRIEF HERE!  Another little death to contend with but this is a big one for me.   I have used movement  both to get away from myself and to find myself.   Now what?  The stillness scares me somehow.  I suppose this is why a regular meditation practice challenges me.   The biggest part of me knows that EVERYTHING is held in the stillness.  The small me wants to drive.   The big me loves the sense of infinite width in
the silence.  The small me loves the electric hum and air pressing in on me from both sides.  SOMETHING IS HAPPENING!  ..nothing is happening..

The whole conversation makes me so nervous…

Guess I’m close to gold..

Instinct

 

I’ve made this month about looking into what integrity actually is for me.

My body feels like it is ‘dis- INTEGRATING’.  To integrate means to make whole, complete, join.

If I clean up corners of my life that are out-of-integrity,  does my body respond to these changes in any way?

Where does the word ‘INSTINCT’ fit in here?

When I look at my life,  I see the glaring places where I AM out of integrity:   money situations, dealings with family and others,  not doing what I said I would do.   I want these shadowy corners clean so I have room to move; psychically and physically.

But that doesn’t address the word, INSTINCT.

I realized yesterday,  on a fairly profound level, that I have had most of the pure and fierce,  undomesticated instinct culturally bred out of me.

What I’m talking about is that ire that rises up when we witness a child being abused and the capacity to strip ourselves of any and all identity we cling to kicks in and we ACT!

We act from our core of goodness and we don’t act alone because someTHING lends us a hand.

What I’m looking at today is reclaiming that instinctual behavior on a very personal level.   In what situations do I water down my instincts to ‘make nice’?  Where do I not act when my instinct tells me something different?  I’m beginning to see where this happens in my diet,  how I go through my day and most interesting to me;   my relationship to Spirit.   There is a WHOLE language I INSTINCTUALLY know but am lending a blind ear to.  This makes me laugh because If you asked me,  I’d tell you you’d be hard pressed to find someone who cared more about her relationship to something larger than herself.  But caring is different than LIVING INSIDE SPIRIT.   I want that.

I am just going to see if I turn my carefully constructed self inside out and expose that girl in trust to the brilliant information that is patiently waiting outside my skin;  I’ll see if that softening and willingness in myself gives me more strength to walk.

Please forgive me if I can’t find just the right words as I begin thinking about things in a different way.   Maybe the word part will reflect some of it’s own integration as I listen to my instincts,  seemingly  hushed as they may be.

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