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Consciousness

 

I have always loved this little sculpture.

I think it is because of the beautiful,  economic and poignant movements my hands went through to make it.

I rolled out a little slab of clay.

Cut it into a triangle.

Picked it up and softened the edges I had just cut.

Laid it down on the table.

Took my thumb and made these lovely,  quick motions of very lightly pressing into the body of the triangle and making a quick sweep outwards leaving this gorgeous, fragile edge all the way around.

It looks fragile and pretty spontaneous but when you pick up the finished piece it feels like a large arrowhead.  Full of power.   Could do you in if it wanted to.   It feels purposeful in its’  ’in-the-moment-honedness’.   Quick,  not too thought out,  simple and ready.  It feels perfect to me. It was easy and done in a couple moments.  Nothing extra there.  Elegant at rest in my hand.

Something to take note of;  the non-doingness that made the thing.

These days I have very little energy to DO stuff.

And so I remember the rightness of this sculpture made in perfect ease and no thinking involved.

Bumpy Road to Somewhere

 

I don’t know…

Someone must think I’m up to all this but I question their judgement just now.

Yesterday had to have an emergency root canal.

Never had one of those before.

Today the intense pain is still with me.

Something needs to happen here and I really hope the dentist knows what..

 

Here’s a HAIKU for today:

I’m not really sure
Where the juicy life button
Has disappeared to.

                                                           -cathy (little c)

At Rest

 

A friend drove me down to the airport last week as I began my MAYO Clinic journey.

I realized that in her company I feel at rest.

My breathing was soft,  I had no worries,  no unfinished business in our friendship of 20- some years.

I have never felt judged by her though we hold differing opinions on things.

I am sure she holds me in high regard and continues to deal with my personality quirks all the while knowing the highest and best parts of me and holding those up as a mirror when I lose sight of them myself.

There is nothing I need to protect myself from in her.

She is most interested in the space BETWEEN my creative moments and my tears and my judgements and my fear and my successes and failures.  She champions them all as genuine in the moment but quickly loses interest and returns to the space between the ’stuff’ of life.

This friendship is so EASY.   Not work but ‘river-like’ in its’ simple strength and beauty.

I watch my addiction to effort.  Culturally,  it seems the thing to lust after,  somehow.  Am I BUSY?  What am I DOING?  What did I GET from the DOING?   What am I going to DO now?   What’s NEXT on my agenda.

Yuk.

I’m in love with the pause.

In friendships,  food,  work,  figuring out my ‘body challenges’,  music,  life-planning,  ALL OF IT.

I’m gonna take a breath and be enchanted by the SPACE BETWEEN the inhale and exhale.

There’s something there that I need and I’m going to let it find me.

Home

 

Home.

Bed.

Is there ANYthing better than coming home after a trip?

No.   There isn’t.

I came home from the Mayo clinic and I burrowed.   Didn’t have to get wheeled into the cavern of an MRI machine or watch 10 vials of my blood walk out of a room while I was left with a neon armband as a parting gift.

No.   I left my bag still full of stuff and crawled in bed.  The window wide open to the rain and intermittent shots of streaking sunlight was plenty of theater for me.   Birds came.   They ate.  They left.   All was good with the world.

There is a creeping knowledge I am feeling taking hold in me;  that of the utter satisfaction and peace in JUST BEING.   We’ve all heard it- the metaphysical choir singing this song but really…  for me,  it’s kindof been just a nod toward what I THOUGHT that meant;  to JUST BE HERE NOW.  Now, I am noticing more moments of ‘nothingness’ opening into ’something’.

I want more of this thing.   I want more nothingness.

The buddha says that desire and wanting are roots of all suffering;  I want to be healed,  I want more money,  I want to know…  stuff like that.

I want more nothingness probably falls into the wanting category.

This is too complicated.

I’m going to bed.

MAYO Clinic

 

 

I’m back!

What an adventure…

Sorry not to have been able to post during my stay at the MAYO Clinic.   I’ll have all this technology figured out next time I leave town.

My intention for going to the Scottsdale,  AZ clinic was to get a solid baseline as far as what state of being my body is in at this moment and to be privy to any and all possible methods for attending to this health challenge on my plate.

I got all that and more.. in spades.   It was truly a remarkable experience.

The MAYO Clinic is a non-profit affair and extremely well endowed in light of generous gifting from grateful recipients of their care and expertise and champions of their mission which is to keep the patients needs,  comfort and care at the top of the list.   There is a huge philanthropic vibe in and around the place.  The money we spend there gets funneled toward research in every imaginable way a body could go askew.  Thus- they are on top of every new development,   diagnostic tool,  medication or course of action available. They are primarily Western medicine based but value highly researched complementary alternative methods as well.

Here are some highlights:

STREAMLINED SCHEDULING-

I saw a general internist and a neurologist to begin with.
Each appointment was an hour of compassionate,  intent focus on listening hard to my ’story’.
The exam rooms are gorgeously appointed with a changing room within,  tasteful upholstery,  carpet,  soft lighting,  wall-papered walls and every nod toward comfort and ease you could ask for.

They each took a full history,  did an exam and asked me to go down 1 floor to scheduling to get the itinerary for the tests they had each scheduled.

It was alot of walking for me so I practiced asking for help by getting a wheelchair escort to the various places I needed to go.

The schedule I was given included 3-5 appointments with various departments per day;  MRI,  urology,  physical therapy,  bloodwork etc.  It was usually a 7:00 am – 4:00 day for me.   I wished I had had someone with me for support and just the physical demands of all this but was amazed at the fact I pulled it off myself.

What I have to say next is colored by my life as an artist.

BEAUTY AND AESTHETICS:

A good deal of the remarkable healing experience of this place is it’s attention to detail.  There is BEAUTY EVERYWHERE..  I saw no boxy rooms.  Soft shifts in room shapes and lighting,  elegant wallpaper on the walls,  interesting and soothing artwork everywhere,  a color palate that settles your soul.   EVERYTHING HERE IS GEARED TOWARD A PATIENT’S WELL BEING.   It really was the most non-medical experience I ever had.   I became acutely aware how very much beauty has to do with the psychology of healing.   Made me feel proud of my line of work.  I was so affected by the importance of this element that I’m going to write a letter to the person in charge of interiors and choice of art in acknowledgement of their efforts.

SAVVY STAFF:

I found smart,  alert,  compassionate people at every turn.  I experienced no impatience or anything other than a true love of their job and efforts to make sure I knew I was the priority.   Believe me,  this goes a long way in the ‘quality of life’ department.

CONNECTING WITH OTHERS:

I wore my favorite beaded bracelets.. three of them together cover 4″ of my wrist with bright green,  yellow,  red and orange beads.  I wore them because they make me feel good but they played a part I could never have guessed.  People stopped me everywhere to ask about them or compliment me.   Taxi drivers from Iraq and Sudan.  Fellow patients from New Zealand and Mexico.   The housekeeper in my hotel and the guy serving us in the cafeteria..  So many people chose to connect with me through my bracelets!  It made me realize that in an environment such as a medical clinic,  we all pull into ourselves like turtles.  It’s unfamiliar territory and possibly unsafe.  Unknown to be sure. We don’t know how or haven’t the energy to begin a conversation and remember we are not alone.  My bracelets gave people a safe entry and we were all immeasurably better for it.

BOTTOM LINE:

I have primary progressive MS. None of the medications available work for this version of the disease. My options are to manage my symptoms the best way I can.

Both doctors I saw again at the end of my stay were genuinely despondent at the lack of tools and knowledge available to give me.  This news was not something unexpected. What I did NOT expect is the sense of freedom and power I take away from this experience armed with the knowledge I gained,  the tools available and the support system offered by this remarkable group of people.

I don’t have to expend extra energy wondering if I am not doing something that might make a difference. I have so very many people in my life who care about my wellbeing and there are so many stories about friends-of-friends with MS who have had success with such and such..  Of course, one hears that and wants to act if it feels right.. This is exhausting;  living inside possibility and the future.  My intuition has served me well in the choices I’ve made to this point and that is a nice piece of information for me.  Now I can rest with what IS.   This feels REALLY good to me.

I’ll likely write more on this at some point but right now, on the fourth of July, it is raining softly, I have a great book to curl up with and that is where I’m headed.

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