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St. James Episcopal Church

 

I have always sort of had a longing to be either Jewish,  Black or Native American.

I am pure WASP and went to St. James Episcopal Church until I was confirmed at around 13 years old.

Someone once called Episcopalians the FROZEN PEOPLE.

I’d have to agree.

My sister married this incredibly fabulous Jewish man.  They are so great together.

She had to make her voice change from soft and diminutive to something with more guts or else she found herself rendered invisible in his family.

The Jews in my life are unapologetic.   They live large as a rule and take up space so much differently than us WASPS.  While we give attention to grace,  shoulds and don’ts..  they are dripping watermelon juice down their chin and scribbling a concerto on a napkin.  Now, which of those sounds like more fun?

Black people seem to have a very different center of gravity than whites.

Theirs feels lower to the ground and farther away from the head where we insist on residing.

I think they know the intelligence of the Earth better that we white folk.

Could be my story,  though..

So be it.

I am bored with my mind these days.

Native people have a hard time with me because I insist on ingratiating myself all over the place.  I like to ‘connect’. They look at me with a gorgeously natural set to their face instead of a smile and there usually is the slight scent of pity coming in my direction.

I believe  they think we whites are quite mad;  the chronic QUEST for WHAT?

Don’t get me wrong…  I am thrilled with the precious existence I have been gifted with and take none of it for granted.   I love my curiosity, personally..

But I notice where my body HOLDS and just won’t let go.

Where it performs instead of  just enjoying the play.

It is this Episcopal safety zone that I took on that comes from turtleneck-loving women and corporate men who turned their juice in for big bucks and accolades for being a good provider.

Do I sound bitter?  Well,  it felt good for a minute but really,  now I’m just interested in living a life in a body tuned to a different vibe.

It HAS GOT to be tuned differently because some of the strings done broke…

As I carve away all the extraneous stuff of life that doesn’t support a finely tuned instrument,  I sense a life-long numbness giving way to some kind of glittery thing.  I am beginning to make a beautiful noise.

I keep getting a little bit closer each day so I know I’m following the right crumbs through the forest.

If you see me someday on a park bench with watermelon juice dripping down my neatly starched white linen blouse and a slightly manic smile on my face,  please don’t hand me a napkin….

Just (Don’t) Do It

 

 

I used to thrill over a long 5 hour drive to Chaco Canyon.

It is the archeological , deep high desert remains of a remarkably sophisticated group of Anasazi Indians.

I went there many winters ago by myself just to have an adventure.

I had just arrived in New Mexico and was still walking around with my mouth half open in awe at the enchanting unfamiliarity of it all;  indians and adobe and big sky…  the whole thing.

Stupid to go there by myself but here’s a story I got out of it..

I walked,  and looked and walked and looked and SAW!  THERE,  ON THE GROUND!   A broken piece of pottery from the Anasazis!

And ANOTHER ONE!

AND ANOTHER ONE!

And I picked them up.  Gathered each one I saw as a treasure.  I took them.

And continued on my day.

Around 3:00 in the afternoon I started my long drive home.

I was driving faster than usual because of my excitement over having such a GREAT day.

Nothing/ no one in sight.

Suddenly I lost control of the car and slid down the ditch.

I had TWO flat tires……………

Ok,  single woman.   Dusk approaching.  Indian country,  not mine.   Not good.

I had a long time to sit there and think.

And what came to me was this:

I was getting a lesson in how NOT to behave.

At ANY TIME and not just within a sacred site  (which Chaco canyon certainly is).

I SAW and I TOOK.

Without even a wink of a thank you or moment of gratitude or acknowledgement that just because I find something(pottery),  it now becomes mine.

When I realized this a great peace came over me and so I knew I was correct in the realization.

I,  (in my innocent new New Mexicanness) hurriedly and like a spastic child,  threw the treasures back to the desert with a pitiful  ”I’m sorry”.

At that moment a red truck came over the horizon.  I saw it’s dust long before it got to me and had plenty of time to wonder who was in it..

Turns out it was an Indian family.   The man approached me and I told him what happened.   He spoke to his wife in his language for a moment and came over and began taking off one of the flat tires.   He said he would take it out to the road to get it fixed.  He said he asked his wife if she wanted to stay with me but she said no..   (big surprise)

He then walked off toward his red truck with the tire and turned back to me and said: “Thanks for the tire”.

I looked at him and said that I had to trust that he would return…

They turned around and left.

ps..  the road was 15 miles of dirt away..

And so………. I waited.

I was in the hands of the gods but I hadn’t had too much respect for them of late so I really didn’t know if I had too much grace to count on.

I’m telling this story today because I got another,  more benign lesson in the energetic aggression we all practice with one another especially in hard times such as these..

I won’t go into the specifics but it was essentially the same thing:

I wanted something and in the wanting became deeply unconscious.  My desire overrode any modicum of the GRACE OF CONTAINMENT I usually try for.

I find that if I am responsible for keeping my energy contained then I tend not to slime other people with an almost violent sense of getting any place in me that feels at all EMPTY,  FILLED immediately.

I see that we do this with gossip,  eating, giving unsolicited advice , making assumptions, indiscriminately adding to our personal ‘ownership’  (me with the pottery), looking for agreement  (illness challenges, money, job loss etc.) and just carrying the very American attitude of ENTITLEMENT.

The guy actually DID return with my tire and changed out the spare and put on the fixed one and I was set to go.

I had  (still have)  such an immense gratitude toward this hero of mine.  I sent him the above monoprint as a sort of weird white girls attempt at a thank you.

I learned more respect for the seen and unseen and I am challenged to carry my self with high regard for my own beingness and that of another,  sentient or not.

I learned that humans are NOT top dog all the time. We would be smart to acquiesce to the presence of ‘OTHER’ in humility and the spirit of open-hearted exchange.

This translates into real life by trying to move through my day inside the gratitude for my existence and the effort to not make more work for others by unconsciously sitting down at a metaphorical table, uninvited.

The Return

 

 

This past weekend was great,  then not,  then I had energy,  then I didn’t,  one moment I loved everything about this life then the next was not so enchanting.

I took my dog for a drive to Abiquiu,  an hour north of me.   I have a few places I go when I want to decompress or feel the freedom of no humanity pressing on me.   Just the action of the journey returns me to myself without fail.

We stopped halfway and got food for a picnic.

We drove and drove over miles of dirt road with nothing to look at but the mountain Georgia O’Keeffe painted all the time;  PEDERNAL,  and sagebrush and sky and no clouds and hawks and…  you get the drift…

I stopped under a tree and let LIVVY the chihuahua out the door without a leash.

It was the first time she had tasted this particular brand of freedom.

I needed to let her have it because that very sense of freedom has become so precious to me.  I have it but can’t run; can’t explore interesting rocks I see that are out of range,   can’t go collect the fabulous pebbles unearthed by an ant hill just over there but too far for me to get to.

And so…  I sit in utter peace under a tree watching my dog in ecstatic reverie in her newfound moments of freedom.

I am really,  REALLY bored with the sense of LONGING…

I could long till the cows come home..

I long to wear the jeans I bought that I look great in but take too long to get OFF when I REALLY have to pee. Pathetic.

I long to learn ballroom dancing.   It wasn’t a big issue before but now that I REALLY can’t,  I want to know how.

I long for a whole day of non-body-centric being.

I long to go on long driving adventures and just look at the world.

These are benign longings as it’s somehow too hard this morning to dig into the beefy ones.  I bore myself and,  I’m sure,  you..

Joseph Campbell talks about the hero’s journey being that of finding the gold and RETURNING to society to give it as a gift.

The only small gift I can think of returning to the world after my lovely weekend is to remain in a state of NON- LONGING.   To soak in the pleasures available and not distress myself or others by wanting more.

I can give myself that peace.   Just for today.

Inner Weather

 

The weather changed here the other day.

It is only August 1 and our sky has shifted it’s blue and the air has a new clarity.

These are Santa Fe signs of Autumn.  But she’s early.

I can feel SOMETHING trying to come forward in myself,  as well.

It feels good.  Right.  New.   Mysterious.  Inspired.   Grounded.

I really don’t know much more than this.

Physically,  I see that my clean diet and attention to de-stressing my life,  along with other efforts toward creating a thriving existence ARE WORKING!

Change is upon me and today it is welcome.

Yes,  I know..  tomorrow or the next hour could be a different story..

But not just for me..  me with MS..

Yes,  my frailties are very public and not hideable.   You see me limp and struggle with heavy doors and cancel plans.

But is that so very different than you?

Perhaps it isn’t an apparent limp or weakness visible to the entire populous..

But I know the current shifting sands in the world at large affect us all.

My body seems just to be acting like a magnified petrie dish for the wonders and horrors that we ALL must face.

So today..  just for today..  I feel good..  I have hope.   I have faith.  I feel my beauty inside and out.

I have a little bit of precious life energy in my reserve tank today to spread around.

So please enjoy..

xxxx C.

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