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Ride

The other day I took a trail ride in the morning after a rain.

The sandy arroyo was etched with layers of the heave of the rainwater.

It smelled new. Un-fussed-with.

The colors were yellow and violet.  Sand.  Blue sky.  No wind.

My friend Carlos and I talked. But Nature was very demanding.

She wanted to be seen. Smelled. Taken in.

Exactly like a lover not taking no for an answer.

She touched her finger behind our ears with her scent so we’d remember.

Yesterday, I went to my new favorite ‘non-victim’ MS support group.

We talked about keeping death on your shoulder as a friend, not the enemy.  No morbidity!

Just teaching us how to LIVE and perhaps die well. We’re bringing in a consultant to speak about power-of-attorney, estate stuff and essentially saying what we want IF.. and not lending a blind eye to the hard stuff.

Being compassionate with those we love and deciding for ourselves before we put them in the place of deciding for us. Interesting territory and important no matter who you are.. MS or no..

The conversation had the same ease as the one we had on our trail ride.

Funny.. I am attracting experiences in which I feel truly safe and good.  New for the girl.

I am NO LONGER A PERFORMER TRYING TO BE SOMETHING FOR YOU OR ANYONE.

So.. I am seeing I can choose well..choose differently.

Life has the scent of ESSENCE – cool, clean, unfettered, enticing, raw and slightly wild..

My skin feels different. My eyes are clear. I am ready.

Not always, mind you..

Sometimes I am dull. My body aches. I am weak. I retreat.

It is all the same; life on a tarnished silver platter.

My reflection is perfect in one light and distressed beyond recognition in another.

And what is the difference?

I think the eyes I see with..

yes..

the eyes have the last say, don’t they?

The Wall

Since I’m an artist and a human being, I am interested in creativity.

I read and listen to conversations about manifestation and wonder..

Does the capacity to create or change or alter the course of an artwork or illness or love affair have it’s genesis in the mind?

Is it a DECISION we DECIDE to put our blood behind? Our flood of power and intent pointed in a particular direction over time?

What’s the difference between a wish and a prayer and an intention?

Does the success of a thing depend on whether we’re doing the action of supplication RIGHT?

Or is the whole thing moot and our place is to remain utterly alive in the moment and be prepared and open to receive?

Is ANYTHING we DO regarding altering existence worth DOING or even APPROPRIATE?

And if it isn’t, how would the universe know anything about what particular Christmas tree to plop ME down underneath?

Do I have ANY say here?

And if I do, what language does God speak so I can make sure the message is delivered?

And if the thing is to SURRENDER; what’s the difference between a nap and opening to what IS?

Emptiness is the thing that is most appealing to me these days.

But I’m not sure it isn’t because I’m just spent down..

Squeeze

I spoke with a good friend yesterday and heard all her stories about five-star travel, love affairs, hedonistic and spiritual adventures both..

I had to take a nap afterwards.

Why, I wondered, was I left feeling spent and reeling?

I lay down with my dog and we just WERE together for awhile.

My stomach relaxed. My breathing slowed. My chest unclenched. My jaw parted a bit.

Wow.. I guess THIS is relaxed, I thought..

I laughed at my surprise. Then I just sort of steeped in the realization of the unrecognized level of stress I carry just as a daily load. So normal to my being.

Then I really looked at what my ALREADY jagged nervous system does in the presence of someone else’s which travels at the speed of light.. (which our culture highly values)

MS-the taskmaster..at it again.. It MAKES me LOOK. MAKES me CHOOSE DIFFERENTLY.

Feels lonely sometimes.

But then again; that little time I had with my dog at rest was close to a top-five life experience in it’s effect on my psyche and system.

Strangely, I felt MORE connected..not less in the little readjustment scenario I was presented with.

I love my friend and her larger-than-life life.

I love the softness in my own belly when I am at peace.

Here is the healing.

Permeability

I watched this movie called THE WAY OF THE PEACEFUL WARRIOR”.

It’s a new-agey thing but the message and story was good.

A gymnast gets in a huge motorcycle wreck and his Olympic hopes are dashed.

He meets Nick Nolte posing as a sage/’service’ station owner who edges the boy away from his ego toward the absolute power of living in the moment.

The healing that takes place is anchored by the films’ motto: A WARRIOR IS ABOUT ABSOLUTE VULNERABILITY.

The film ended and I sat there thinking and looked up and saw these two sculptures on my wall. I have kept them for my collection and am glad I did.

They hang right next to a window hung with horizontal wooden blinds that rest half open.

After watching the movie and thinking about the importance of vulnerability, I looked up and saw the juxtaposition of the sculptures and window blinds and saw them as similar..

I thought: really the times I feel most alive are when I let the world move me as it will… when the slats of MY blinds are half open/half closed so it leaves me prepared to experience fully what I choose and ready to close them when that’s what’s called for.

Sort of : ever-at-the-ready.

I really liked thinking of these two figurative sculptures as windows; of ME as a window…

With the ultimate power of free will and choice in the decision to remain open. Or not.

I think THAT is where a sense of true safety comes from. It’s an inside job. Nobody/nothing can give it or take it.

And from that place, it seems ANYTHING is possible.

Just a thought I’m thinking this morning.

I’m gonna walk out in the world and practice..

Trust

I’m back to horseback riding now that it’s cooler.

It makes me happy.

Yesterday, I watched myself go back and forth between fear and trust on the horse’s back.

All I do so far is walk..I don’t want to trot or canter yet.

I had an affair once with a cowboy and we rode WILD down long arroyos (desert drainage ditches). I hadn’t a clue about how to ride well but that was way beside the point.

I was thrown one day. Very bad fall. It scared me. Never got back on.

Till NOW! And I am just resting in beginners mind.

I’m going to listen to how my body tolerates just so much trust and then it retreats into it’s cave.

This surely has to do with all the changes in my body and getting used to moving differently but it is more than that..

I really am an innocent in the world, after all the tossing aside of protective identities.

I see myself on top of this gorgeous horse riding next to my friend while we talk about interesting things and take in the landscape.

Everything feels right and good and allows me to sink into the microcosm of my precious body and check out the safety factor.
If I went faster at this point it might feel like I was too overstimulated like in a video arcade.

I’m not good at nor interested in multi-tasking these days.

I AM interested in leading an UNDEFENDED life and riding helps me do that. Perfect chance to feel the momentary shifts from trust and allowing to clutching and shut down.

Sensing these shifts on Apache’s back lets me have a more acute kind of consciousness out in the world.

Trust. Fear. Trust. Fear.

Open. Close. Open. Close.

Love.

Knowledge

Yesterday, I attended a luncheon called WOMEN ON THE MOVE which was a fundraiser for the MS society.

I was honored to be invited by a new friend who was the keynote speaker.

I was told that usually people dealing with MS don’t get an invitation because it’s safe to assume we don’t have much money left over after all is said and done.

It was a really well attended affair..a class act..good food, pretty people, all the shadowy parts of the disease ‘nicened up’ a bit for the purpose of the affair.

My friend was brave in the delivery of her testimonial. She proudly sang short verses of songs to illustrate some of her points which were put forward in a lovely and honest way.

Afterwards, as people were milling around, I heard in various conversations that it was so great to know about the different kinds of MS, how it affects ones’ life, the adaptations we have to make, etc..

Walking with my walker gave me a great entry into conversations with some of the elite of New Mexico. I have a very visual disability as the walker goes where I go and I can’t hide it.

What I noticed from speaking with people was a really palpable relief from being introduced to some of the specifics of this disease we don’t hear on TV.

These were people opening their checkbooks wide and doing so out of their innate compassion but the fact seemed to be that many of them had never been up close and personal with the disease.

Made me see how very important it is to TALK out loud with people about this challenge and help people pull down the walls between the able and not. To educate people into a zone that feels safe enough to enter; not just for us afflicted with the disease because as we all know- NO ONE GETS A PASS in the human frailty realm.

It’s a good thing to feel like an ambassador in that way.

I didn’t follow my own words of wisdom from yesterday’s post about listening, tho…

I sat at a table next to a GORGEOUS twenty-something and saw fear in her eyes and somehow put on my bulldozer outfit as I launched into sharing what I know about MS with a newly diagnosed and terrified girl.

Oh, Cathy.. When will you learn to contain yourself when the situation calls for it?

Really, I just wanted to help. To sooth. To heal. To fix.

But I forgot to listen and she became invisible under the weight of my ’share.’

I really need to get out in public more to hone my skills as a civilized being..  I did notice yesterday that most all my social inhibition and shyness was GONE!  Interesting..

I realize I may have been rambling a bit here but I am sensing something coming to the surface for me which is not fully formed..maybe a way to participate in a more visible manner toward the goal of educating people about MS? Working with kids? I don’t know yet.. But surely I am changing and beginning to feel ‘a CALL’ or invitation to do something I had never before considered.

I love new territory! Today, I promise to be a better listener for guidance and inspiration offered me from any source whatsoever which might help me move forward.

Fine Line

I remember a few years back there was a phrase being used something like: ‘connecting through the wound’. I’m pretty sure you guys never had this in your vocabulary but for us of the female species; we are always looking for ways to CONNECT! (I am now hearing the audible shuffle and scrape of shoes worn by the aforementioned half of the population in their mass exodus..)

This topic interests me because of the combination of revulsion and seduction I feel in talking with people about my health challenges.

It is truly a fine line between letting those who care about me in on how I am in an honest and vulnerable way

AND

launching into a whole shared-experience kind of thing where people start talking faster and their voice gets a little higher and eyes seem a little manic..

I’m watching all this in myself but it is a fascinating anthropological study in our challenges as a species to connect intimately and fully without moving toward THE WOUND.

Here’s an example:

“Hi Cath. How are you today?”
“Well, actually, I had this wave of fatigue wash over me this morning and I’m giving myself over to a nap.”
“Oh, I know.. Mt aunt who has MS has to deal with this all the time and she goes to a naturopath and gets this homeopathic concoction that he made specifically for her constitution and she has to take it every hour on the hour for a few weeks. She really likes this guy and thinks he has pretty much saved her life and she told me to tell you about him. He’s expecting your call. Here’s his number.. Don’t call on Thursday or Friday but the other days you could probably………….”
“Uh, huh.. Well, thanks so much for telling me about him. I’m gonna have to get off the phone now but talk to you soon.”

Granted, in this imagined conversation it is not a shared desire to connect through the WOUND by both people but you get the idea.

I’ve watched myself have a day where I had been feeling very isolated and empty only to see that I had just gone over the hour mark in a phone call talking about doctors, symptoms, meds, changes, et al…and STILL felt isolated as I reported all this stuff to ears that were only interested in their needs and story as I was in mine. YUK.

The FINE LINE I’m talking about is the one we’re each responsible for. It is more of a LISTENING line, I think.

Listening for where we slip into the addiction we have as a culture to FIX, and FILL IN EMPTY PLACES. Reach across the abyss of that inherent isolation in all of us by telling stories about someone else more than likely because it’s easier..but so far away from that tender, quivering thread between two people with the honor of experiencing one another for a moment.

I know this sounds ‘pie-in-the-sky’ to some, but it’s what I’m after. Not always. But I want to have that feeling of the preciousness of life more than I do now.

I’m REALLY not talking about any kind of scary intensity.. just the sweetness of a MEETING…a knowing, a seeing and the unexpected GRATITUDE that seems to always follow such experiences.

Simple:   I see you. You see me. Have the finest of days.. Glad we met. I am better for it.

Thank you..

Home

I was invited to a friends home for dinner the other night.

There were four of us. A girls night.

This invitation came from a newish friend and I had never seen where she lived.

When I walked across her threshold I immediately got quiet.

I felt safe, welcome and an honored guest.

Why was that? She lives in a trailer (in the toniest hollow in Santa Fe).

It is an unpretentious home with all the qualities of fine living.

These are the things I noticed that made it feel like HOME to me:

There was a big, red leather chair from Design Warehouse set at the perfect distance from a roaring and REAL fire. The lighting was soft and diffuse and didn’t overpower the humans. There were intriguing and very personal treasures everywhere I looked and I wanted to LOOK. Kindof like I entered a treasure hunt and I’d never have enough time to assuage my curiosity. There was stuff COOKING! Not just ’stuff’ (these are the descriptions single girls who don’t cook so much tend to use when offered the miracle of a home-cooked meal..pathetic, really). We had a giant, claret-colored and heart-shaped homegrown tomato with fresh goat cheese and olive oil the tenderest green color which almost made me weep from how smooth it was..with chopped fresh basil. Dinner was served by my adorable apron-wearing friend on fabulous plates with satisfying flatware. One candle in the center of the small round table. She cooked a hotdog for Olivia who was invited too..

The conversation was funny. And honest. And interesting. And loving. And real.

I was so happy there, with my friends and my dog and the fire and the recognition that all I needed was right there in that moment and I need not worry myself over any thing.

Safety. Beauty. Intrigue. Companions (sometimes). Pleasures for each of the senses. Simplicity. Nurturance. Nature. Sanctuary. Authenticity. These are some of the things that make home for me.

I’m building mine from the inside out.

Still under construction…

Self Portrait

This piece was created in 2002, not too long following a divorce and the diagnosis of MS and the death of my mother.

I like it.

It is strong. Unapologetic. Hopeful.

The elements are naturally pigmented earth (yes, THIS is what colors New Mexico serves up!),

.. mica in the shape of a butterfly stretching her wings at the bottom of the piece,

.. red fur to symbolize my very primal love of life and being a woman,

..black pointy things surrounding the nest of fur to protect her (not a leaden wall but more a fence with openings..),

..gravel at the bottom to suggest the rigor of the road,

..and a gold thread takes you to the apex of the pyramid

..where there is a chinese coin and small piece of quartz to magnify the intent of reaching for the gift (whatever that may be..)

I love the strong shape of the pyramid; something we often associate with male power when used in this direction.

When my intuition told me to use this shape in this way on the SELF PORTRAIT, I knew I would be ok..

I could NEVER have negotiated these rugged roads on my map without the fierce and unrelenting choices I make to KEEP RE-ENTERING the ring.

After that initial push, I can soften a bit and bat my eyelashes at the opponent in the hopes of creating some fertile ground to move from. (perks of feminine wiles..) The opponent running the gamut from fear to fatigue to disappointment to rage to apathy to disbelief..

Something more COOPERATIVE rather than EXCLUSIVE seems to work better.

INVITATIONAL and ALLOWING.

You’ll find me out back pulling those die-hard weeds..

Today..

…I like these words:

gumption

mettle

moxie

got game

pluck..

especially that one- p l u c k

very good word, don’cha think?

…

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