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I Need Help

Those who know me are probably quite taken aback by seeing the title of this post.

Just writing it let’s me know how much I’ve changed.. am changing.

I AM NOT REALLY GOOD AT NEEDING HELP.

But there it is… I do.

Recently, I asked a really good friend if she would consider driving me up to Colorado (6 hours) to see a particular doctor I have an appointment with.

I need to be there M – TH so that means being gone 5 days.

I am well aware this is ALOT to ask of anyone yet I asked because I am required to go see two different people up there who have offices an hour apart and it became apparent that flying was not an option.

This dear friend said she was willing to go with me.

But I haven’t been quite able to trust her at her word that it is OK for her to take all this time out of her busy schedule with work.

I am sssssssoooooooo into her business here and can’t seem to release us both from my own projections as to why this accompanying me will be such a hardship for her.

And I’m pretty sure, given her druthers, she would be happy NOT to go..

But she said yes to going with me.

This kind of gift of time, care, compassion and effort directed toward my healing is the magnitude of something offered by a parent or a spouse.

I don’t have much (if any) recollection of being on the receiving end of this kind of ‘going-outside-your-comfort-zone-for-another’ kind of love from either my marriage or my childhood.

I could very well have my blinders on but I can’t recollect..

My whole being during childhood was couched with the flip side of this equation:

If I figured out what my parents wanted and needed and gave it to them then, in my wee mind, I might have a better chance of easing their existence and perhaps getting a taste of the protection and care I was due as a child.

But no… didn’t show up that way for me.

And so.. here I am as an adult having the treasured love-gift of time and effort from a good friend being offered me and it feels so new and different that I’m close to getting in there and fucking it up..

But I won’t.

Because I’m going to allow the gift of help being offered.

And practice expanding my armored and wary heart to let this in.

And she will probably have to tell me to shut up a few times as I remain in that place of grace called gratitude and insist on telling her.

How did it get so hard to love me?

I’m pretty sure it’s worth the effort, though, as there are miles and miles of uncharted territory beneath this veil I wear..

First Steps

Yesterday, I picked up my new leg brace.

First.. it happens to be gorgeous in all of it’s ‘leopardness.’

Second, I was in tears much of the day as my body adjusted and readjusted to the correct alignment a leg and foot are meant to have.

Funny, how these changes affected me so emotionally. I didn’t expect that.

But really.. when you think about all the efforting my miraculous body has been doing to compensate for loss of function in various parts of me- it all makes perfect sense.

The troops are all working their damnedest to move toward health and find these frustrating roadblocks like potholes in the nerve pathway that should allow one to bring a leg forward gracefully..

So then the whole energetic regiment has to find a different road..like the one that can lift my leg up with the sheer strength of my upper hip or my lower back.

Works ok for awhile.

Until the fatigue level just has the whole army lie down and nap till it has the energy to continue.

Take that tried-and-true scenario and add the brace and VAVOOM!!!!

You got yourself a little mutiny amongst the ranks!  CHAOS and CONFUSION!  What used to work, isn’t.

Today, I’ll take my ‘type-A-ness’ and soften to let my body adjust to this new support.

Little by little, I can sense the spectacular power that will be available to me as I drop out of the fear of falling and the frustration of trying to THINK my way through movement.

The very act of moving from VULNERABILITY TO SUPPORT is slightly dicey..

You’d think I’d slide into this (so to speak) with the eagerness and ease of a seal in the water.

It is almost like falling in love.. the IDEA of meeting, connecting, dreaming and touching are so seductive that we often DIVE IN.. and then… after the initial mind-blowing first steps, we relax into getting to know one another a bit.

Trusting that if we slow down, we might have a better chance of building a foundation that will last.

What Does It Mean?

In conversation with a good friend yesterday who also has Primary Progressive MS, she said: “Did you know there are three of us who lived in the same dorm in college who have been diagnosed with MS?”

These three are from the circle of people we knew and somehow have kept track of.

I don’t use Facebook but she does and is trying to do a little detective work.

This information floors me. And her.

I hesitate to say anything more about this at the moment because it would only be conjecture but it does give one pause..

And so… I am taking that pause…

Snow

It’s snowing in New Mexico.

I seem to thrive on change. It makes me feel alive.

Growing up in Michigan was a little much as the winters there are grey, slushy, frigid and wet. Oh, yes, and LLLLLOOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGGGG.

But in Santa Fe, Winter is brilliant and exciting and pristine and (almost) welcome.

The thing is that Mother Nature RULES here in the land of enchantment.

We, humans, can’t get too big for our britches because the land here is just so BIG! BIGGER THAN US!!

I love that.

It helps me put things into perspective when they’re not.

Like today.. my joints ache and my fatigue level is high and my limbs are weak and, and, and..

BUT… the seasons are changing and it is white outside the window and there is a question as to what wily MOTHER NATURE will do next because she is a mystery and keeps her secrets so well.

No BODY can know what she has plans for..

And that, to me, is very exciting.

It opens me to MYSTERY AND POSSIBILITY AND ADVENTURE.

But mostly I feel relieved that she has never revealed all her cards.

We, who think we’re so smart, can’t see beneath her veil.

I feel put in my place.

And grateful for the unknowing.

Showing Up

The sale of art I held over the weekend was great in many ways and a disappointment in others.

I am very ready to let much of my work go but the reality is that few people have any money languishing idly in their pockets.

The world is changing. Not just mine, but EVERYONES.

This still feels exciting to me even in the midst of chaos.

We need to change.

It’s uncomfortable and inconvenient at best.

So, after I spent awhile in disappointment that my expectations for the weekend were not realized, I began to wrest myself away from the fear and opened the ‘reality check’ door.

I finally remembered that the ‘ALL THAT IS’ doesn’t necessarily deliver the goods when and how WE have decided we think they should come to us.

Our job is to KEEP SHOWING UP the best way we know how and ALLOW the effects of our energies to play out as they will.

And they will.

But I hate this part sometimes because I WANT WHAT I WANT.

But it doesn’t go that way.

Sometimes, I am so very glad I don’t get what I want.

And that there is a higher order that filters my puny desires and returns my well spent energy in a form I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED OR WANTED.

What a relief.

My job is to show up.

And allow.

Power Tools

A friend told me he had to use a bulldozer to move all the mud from our recent rains.

I felt jealous.

I had the opportunity once long ago to drive a tractor and cut hay.

I really could have done that for the rest of my life and been quite happy.. (the other farm stuff doesn’t really do much  for me, though..)

Anyway, I was thinking that men have their power tools and I wondered what mine are?

At the top of my list goes CHANEL No. 5 cologne or body lotion.

When I need to remember myself, I go straight for that bottle.

Next, I would say my stash of a supplement called MAX B which is jammed with B vitamins my body craves.

Then, there is the ‘power spot’ in my home where I lie down with earphones on and listen to a cd of Tibetan Bowls being played. My dog is plastered on my stomach.

Another tool is going on a driving adventure to a tried and true place or a destination unknown.

I use my connection to the moon when I need it.

I wear either black or white as both those ‘colors’ never conflict with the ‘me’ that seems to shift so often energetically.

I tuck power objects into my clothes.

I have raw and honest and funny conversations with good girlfriends.

My creativity is another tool that never lets me down. Ever.

If I feel really far away from myself, I GIVE SOMETHING TO SOMEONE ELSE.  Works every time.

Oh, and let’s not forget the perfect lipstick. Sounds shallow, I know, but these are things that serve me well.

And what is the thread connecting all the things in MY toolbox?

I suppose that each of these things helps BRING ME HOME.

By that, I mean the natural and unaffected, authentic Cathy. The one I am beginning to know and trust to stick around.

The one I forget and need help remembering.

I like her.

And so, I give her the things she likes.

And let us not forget the pleasure in taking in a field of hay on a tractor with a red seat in the afternoon heat of the sun…

..and the scent of GREEN…… home.

Moving Forward

Today, I am hosting an open house where I will divest myself of most of my private art collection.. the pieces I created over the years that I chose to live with.

The purpose for this event is twofold: one- to have the opportunity to offer my work well below gallery prices in the hope people I care about may be able to take something beautiful home with them, and two- to purchase a wheelchair-adapted van for myself in the near future.

People have asked me if I feel sad letting all this art of mine go.

The truth is that I am thrilled to pass the work on to it’s next steward.

I really am not attached which kindof surprises me, actually.

Each work of art gave me what it could and now someone else will have the pleasure.

I am more of a ‘process artist’ which means that the actual process of creating is the main event for me; not so much the end result.

This serves me really well in my challenge with MS, too.

Not to be so attached to the end result but to enjoy the ride; learn, listen, cry, laugh.. the whole shebang..

Easy to say- harder to do.

But, I think, worth every effort in that direction.

At Rest

I find it challenging to be still.

My mind gets in there and makes me think there are other things more pressing than rest.

Rest = sloth in our culture.

My body wants to lie down.

Too many years of hyper-vigilance when I was more interested in figuring out what another was feeling and catering to their needs.

I’m a novice, really, at knowing what my own needs are.

I thrive in silence.

Very seldom do I listen to music.

In this process of healing I am in, the symphony I listen to is my blood.. My breath. My muscles. My nervous system. My digestive system.

These are the main events going on and I see that I must fall in love with THIS music..

I must lie down and feel mySELF (with a capitol S).

The culture is roaring at my door with the incessant chant: “YOU MUST DO! DO LOTS OF THINGS AND DO THEM PERFECTLY AND DON’T STOP DOING, EVER!!!!”

Today, I will listen to my own personal symphony and lie down for more than 15 minutes without guilt.

New Ground

I LOVE gaining ground..

Decisions I have been making lately regarding diet and most of all asking for and receiving support are really shifting my point of view as I negotiate these challenges inherent in a body hosting MS.

Doctors tell me I have no control over the progression of disability in my body.

But I never once (maybe once) believed them.

I am seeing that this is surely an inside job and of late, the choices I am making are helping me feel more whole.

Five things I am doing now that are shifting things:

1. I am letting self judjement fall away.

2. I know in every cell of my body that the supplements and medications I use are helping me heal. I make the taking of them a really conscious and sacred event in my day.

3. I am opening myself to support; things like being fitted for a leg brace, feeling good about inviting friends over to help with my open house this weekend.

4. My diet is very clean; organic with no yeast, dairy, sugar, coffee, alcohol and lots of vegetables and fruit. I have not turned into a boring and food-centric person which was a fear. (Granted, this is MY perspective..)

5. I pray. Alot. The way I pray has changed as I am making invitations to the Gods for my SELF. (My Episcopalian upbringing still waits for the thunderbolt as I say that..)

These things are making a marked difference in the quality of my life.

Making my way through the MS landscape feels like tiptoeing through the above landscape with the additional mines buried here and there.

Gently, and with all the presence I can muster, I go…

Instructions Not Included

Let’s see.. did I misplace those instructions somewhere when I opened the MS box?

Don’t see them anywhere…

Sometimes, this forced vocation of detective gets to me.

As I sat in my support group yesterday and listened to people speak, each person had their very own version of this disease that only barely resembled anyone else’s story.

What’s a person to do?

For me, all the litanies of treatment, symptoms, progression rates and meds/supplements ingested make for a dizzying ride.

This health challenge helps me go inside…go inside my own body and LISTEN.

If I really get quiet and stop worrying, wondering, comparing or being numb and just going through the motions as I make decisions, the guidance is right there for me.

It is SO very seductive to depend on someone else’s idea of what I am experiencing.

I don’t want to think about this.

And so.. I’ve seen myself look at a doctor I don’t even feel connected to or particularly respect and I DO WHAT I AM TOLD…and on down the road I feel angry and disappointed at the lack of results forthcoming.

I make that doctor SO WRONG!

But really, it was me.. I wasn’t listening.

I took a pill or followed through with a treatment that I didn’t fully believe in from the start.

Why would my body EVER jump into a healing partnership with inauthentic efforts on my part?

I am learning things like I MUST FEEL CONNECTED IN SOME WAY TO MY PHYSICIAN.

I HAVE TO FULLY BELIEVE THAT THE COURSE OF TREATMENT I CHOOSE HAS THE CAPACITY TO HEAL ME (whatever that looks like).

I MUST REMEMBER THAT THE BODY I HAVE TODAY IS NOT THE ONE I WILL HAVE A MONTH FROM NOW SO THINGS MAY NEED ADJUSTMENT.

And most important: I WILL DO MY BEST TO BE SMART AND SOFT TO THE GUIDANCE AVAILABLE TO ME THROUGH THE INTELLIGENCE OF THIS BODY.

Here’s just a little example of this: A few weeks ago, I gave up coffee and dairy.

I have always known diet plays a significant role in my weakness level but prefered to keep doing those things because of the pleasure quotient and rest in the knowledge I was doing ALL this other stuff as my ‘MS regime.’

Well.. after all these years of KNOWING this information but not taking action on it.. I now see marked changes in my body!

I feel cleaner and clearer. My tongue is no longer coated. Balance is still precarious but I have more ‘constitutional power’ to keep my awareness strong and focussed.

These big results make it easy for me to keep with the program and not weaken into my addiction to the pleasure-zone food brings me.

This new clarity trumps that history, for me.

Seems simple.

Took me about 8 years to listen to what I knew.

I think the instruction booklet is right here all along.

Takes awhile, though, to learn the language.

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