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What Do You Do?

My support group met yesterday.

I so admire these people.

They are gorgeous ‘warriors-in-life’.

I asked them to share what practical (or not) things did they do on days when they are too tired or sad or frustrated or angry or weak or WHATEVER to perhaps get back closer to center and reengage with the world? (Or even take a shower)

It was such an honest and human conversation.

“I stay in bed until it passes, however long it takes.”

“I give myself anything I want.. I mean ANYTHING. Films all day, sleep, whatever. ”

“I keep phones all over the house especially on the floor in case I fall.”

“I have a few good friends who can deal with my changes.”

“I keep myself REALLY hydrated and take trace minerals which seem to help.”

“If I find I am getting really frustrated trying to transfer into the shower or some other task, I STOP. I breathe and realize the stress I am causing myself is not helping me. I relax and try again.”

“I spend quality time with my dog.”

“I take care of the little person in me who is freaking out and try to calm her down.”

“If I fall in a place when I am alone and can’t get up, I call 911. I ALWAYS have my cell phone near me. ALWAYS.”

These are the voices of heros.

We are no different than anyone else except our challenges are VERY close to home and are guests who never leave.

And this relentless knocking on our door is the thing that makes it very necessary to pull in, sit/lie down and regroup.

And unless we do the rest/pause thing as a part of our normal day; ‘IT’ will do it for us.

Holidays

Each year as the holidays approach, I am keenly aware I host two Cathy’s in me.

One is eager to decorate and celebrate the season with friends and fragrance and white lights and sumptuous food and singing Christmas carols by myself in the car.

The other girl is pretty monastic or pagan or someone OTHER than the above.

Last night I fell asleep dreaming of a private holiday season spent in beauty but silently and softly just NOTICING the season instead of adding any further hoopla to it.

Silence and space are my greatest healing agents these days.

But then there’s that OTHER girl who wants to ride around with friends and look at lights and spend time wrapping packages with love and opening the door to my neighbors as they present me with homemade cookies and fudge in a pretty tin.

The Native American dances are on the wind.

I think this year, I will keep Nature VERY close as they have done.

Reduce the center-splitting temptation to fill in EVERY empty place with SOMEthing.

And let the season invite me as it will.

No future thinking.. just allowing the magic to whisper.

And making sure I leave space to hear.

New Moon

Tonight is the new moon.

I like tuning into it’s location in the sky.

I began a practice last month at the full moon where I wrote down each thing, belief, symptom, any upset at all that I wanted to leave behind.

I wrote it down and tore up the paper into little bits.

I pulled out a vegetable steamer (so glamorous) and went out into the deep night and burned it all.

Gave it all to her.

Since that night a few weeks ago, I’ve felt lighter. And good.

I like the ritual.

Tonight I’ll try to find a more appropriate container for the calling in of anything and everything I can think of that would help me thrive.

It’s good to get this out of my head and let it go..

Urban shamanism..

The rituals of the innocent and wanton in us.

Do I have some sort of cloak to wear?

I do believe it will have to be me and my walker and big down jacket and leopard leg brace with shoes that won’t close.

I somehow think she’ll not care a bit but be glad for the attention.

Art Therapy

One day, way back in 1979 or so, I did these two drawings in 20 minutes (both).

The task I set for myself was to try ANYTHING to move myself from depression to.. somewhere else…

I had fire in me that day.

I picked ungainly tools of over-the-top-red and a thick, oily black crayon.

I let myself be taken.

I made marks.

I did not collapse away from the fierceness in me.

I didn’t use tears as an escape.

After that, I was spent.

But peaceful.

A peace dripped on me like honey.

I got a new sheet of paper and wondered: “What is here behind that last drawing?”

The second piece you see here is what came.

VERY delicate. Almost invisible.

But not.

A fence, broken.

A creature with sure outlines and direction.

Eyes open.

Going.

My handprints in gold. All over the place.

Hope.

I remember hearing Ram Dass, a wonderful teacher/spiritual seeker saying that in all the years of his attention toward BECOMING something more than he was yesterday, he STILL has every single one of his neuroses…

They are smaller, less apt to act out but STILL THERE..

EVERY DAMN ONE OF THEM.

I thought that was so funny and true..

Today, this Cathy might not have chosen such a thick black crayon to make her marks and the magical creature would probably have more defined lines.

But essentially, the same woman is out here making her marks.

Elegant, tentative, brave, compassionate, afraid..

It is all me.

And I love her.

Taking Care

Three girls traveling…

My good friend, Keek, Olivia the dog, and me.

My friend could give a course in how to take good care of someone you love.

She drove. Read the map as my eyes were not cooperating. Walked the dog. Got groceries. Walked the dog. Drove. Got out to get gas and wash the windshield. She didn’t check the oil because we couldn’t get the hood of the car opened. Walked the dog. Arranged to have our room changed because the one we were given was disturbingly depressing. Nothing obvious but just not right. She asked no questions and just did it. (These are precious girlfriend gifts to one another.. the not asking the reasons for things..) She walked the dog. at night when Olivia wanted to leave Keek’s bed and come to mine, Keek got up and lifted her up onto my bed because it was too high to jump.

And during my various appointments she asked questions I needed to ask but was too preoccupied to remember.

Friendship is not an altogether glittery affair to say the least.

One day I woke up irritable and teary and craving alone time to recharge.

I sent her away to meander the city and Olivia and I quietly talked to one another and meditated and reclaimed lost parts of ourselves.

I told Keek I needed two hours.

She gave me four.

I really think the greatest gift I receive sometimes is SPACE.                         ROOM to be.

No questions asked.

Just the silent understanding of my need for that.

No judgement. No taking it personally. Just the simple open-handed gift of ROOM TO BE.

I learned alot on this trip about how to be a better friend.

I needed help.

I asked.

She said yes.

It was rich and good all the way around.

Now we are tired and recovering in order to reenter our own private worlds.

And life goes on but I have a few more pieces of gold jingling in my treasure chest.

Thresholds

I’m back from my meanderings amongst the steely white Colorado peaks.

The 14,000 foot granite backdrops to the metropolis of Colorado Springs were ever-present reminders that Nature is STILL bigger than us no matter how hard we try to out-do her.

I was struck by the homogeneous palette that seemed to be used by both the architects and city planners.

When did we get so afraid to step off the assembly line of life?

But I digress…

The purpose for my visit was to see a physicist.

At this point in the process of sharing living quarters with what has become a very unwelcome guest in my body, I am hard-pressed to trust anyone or anything more than my intuition and the realities of undeniable results gleaned from treatments I am called to work with.

That is a long sentence but a very important one.

In Colorado I got undeniable results.

The world of MS is shadowy at best; steeped in ‘maybes’ and ‘probably’ and ‘there’s just nothing we can do to help you’.

Each person affected by physical illness has their own road.

I am finding that upon return from my trip, I am not ready or able to bring the experience up to the kind of consciousness it takes to share it with anyone.

I am going to take my time to gestate in the waters of new information and new physical realities and just be soft and respectful of myself until I get the inner go ahead.

As we all know, change is the only constant and instead of ripping through the web of protection and going after the comfort of shared experience, I will wait.

Road Trip

I am on my way up to Colorado tomorrow and as I don’t yet have a laptop, this will be my last post for a week until next Friday.

Feels so good to think about seeing different scenery other than my normal fare.

Ain’t nothing better than a girls’ road trip.

“That looks interesting..”

“OK..let’s stop and check it out.”

No worries about ‘ losing time ‘ or getting ‘off schedule’..

IN THE MOMENT TRAVEL (with purpose of course)… Or not, as the case may be.

That, I think, is exactly what Henry Ford had in mind.

SUCH a luxury! This society of ‘lovers of the open road..’

I dare say we’ll not have the option open to us too much longer as our energy resources dwindle and shift.

So I’ll just savor every moment and remember to say thank you for this delectable bit of FREEDOM!

Back soon…….

Uninvited Guest

Late into last night, I was reading contentedly.

My left eye began to tremble involuntarily and create a sense of borderline vertigo.

I closed my eyes to rest but when I opened them, the shaking was still there.

In all the years of dealing with MS, my eyes have never been affected. I took weird pride in that fact.

OPTIC NEURITIS is a very common symptom associated with this disease.

It occurs when the protective coating of the optic nerve is affected.

It’s really just ONE MORE THING on my plate.

Am I up to it?

I was reading a favorite blog called WHEELCHAIR KAMIKAZE in which he wrote so gorgeously about the mental gymnastics associated with disability.

I urge you to read it.

When I did, I felt profoundly compassionate toward the brave man who chose to let us see the shadow side of what happens as a highly intelligent and fully functional human being slowly loses things he took for granted.

What takes the place of those precious things he/I am losing?

We have to make a new life.

And not just us.. the very visibly disabled ones..

Our entire culture and world is being brought to it’s knees.

It’s on a much larger scale so it isn’t as apparent to us.

But look around..

We are ALL being asked to make a new life… Face the fact what we depended on to be there often isn’t anymore.

And so… HOW do we change? Segue into a new and thriving life after the scenery has been changed and the furniture rearranged?

These are questions that interest me very much.

Questions with hard won answers but what else is one to do, I ask you?

The Long Road

Often, when I put extreme effort out there and don’t get the results I expect, I get mad at God.

I’m such a slave to immediacy just like the rest of us here in ‘American dreamland.’

Maybe the results I pray for just aren’t in my best interest.

Or perhaps the timing is other than my desires of the moment.

I keep practicing softening my heart to include intelligence other than what I know.

It helps me to remember that humans are not top dog after all though the ’self-initiation’ is thrilling to think about.

Actually, any SECURITY I attract in my life is generated through ALLOWING the mystery and OTHER to whisper in my ear and guide my actions.

I don’t know much.

And somehow.. knowing that feels very satisfying, indeed.

The Gift

QUOTE FROM MARTHA GRAHAM, dancer

“There is no satisfaction whatever at any time.

There is only a queer,divine dissatisfaction; a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.

There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique.

And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost.

The world will not have it.

It is not your business to determine how good it is;

nor how valuable it is;

nor how it compares with other expressions.

It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.

You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.

You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate YOU”

—–Martha Graham to Agnes DeMille

This was obviously written about creativity but works just as well when thinking about healing.

****** I will be off line for a few days while my computer is being fixed*************

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