• Pages

  • About Cathy Aten
  • Cathy’s Video
  • View Cathy’s Current Work

Shadow Night

In my new home the nights are velvet.

Dark and deep and I am unfamiliar with their palette as yet..

I want to be out in it.

But sleep is my main medicine these days.

I am so very tired.

Each time I tackle some giant stress-generating task like moving or installing an artwork or traveling or some big thing..

It takes me to my knees.

Each time a little lower..

Till I’m where I am now; down there squinting for the light.

I’ve been accused or championed for continuing to take the high road in my life.

The nay-sayers are all about reminding me I might be skipping the reality of things and too in love with hope.

My supporters are inspired by my ‘never-say-die’ attitude.

Yes, I am a warrior.

My landscape is not as black and white as one finds in the daylight.

For me, the shadows have become alive with the small songs of other intelligence.

Mysterious and skittish by nature, the inhabitants are more than benign.

They hold my hand in the night and drink my tears.

They squeal in almost inaudible delight as at last I turn my face to God.

And quit traveling alone.

I’m not making this stuff up..

My dog sees them when I can’t and looks longingly into a bare corner and wags her tail.

How often do we see nothing?

When there is surely something?

Parking Guy

_________________________

THE GIFT
*
I bought the parking

Guy a chocolate chip cookie.

His rheumy eyes cleared.
*
- CA 2010 March

My New Home

_________________________

Joseph Campbell once said that in looking back over his long life, he saw that the chapters opened up with such perfection in their support of his life well lived.

It is 1:00 in the morning here in Santa Fe, New Mexico.

A snowstorm left a foot of new and sparkling whiteness in the night outside my front door.

My dog is snoring.

The walls are a pale shade of fleshy-pink structolite plaster.

I walked ten feet from my bed to the kitchen to make tea and another 5 feet to the computer.

The quiet in the night is luxurious and heavy with the snow.

It’s warm and I am perfectly content.

I love my new home.

It interested me that I heard few comments from friends helping me move about how great this place is.

I started doubting it myself.. suggestible as I am at times of big newness and the insecurities that go with that.

I wondered if people thought I’d feel deprived going from a larger and very hip place to this little retreat?

Did they feel sorry for me because of it’s size and my having let go of so much stuff to make this move?

Were they worried about my well being with new and unfamiliar obstacles to navigate?

The me that sits here tonight writing is one very content woman.

I am bored by stuff.

Anything ‘extra’ doesn’t belong in my new life.

I have already made mistakes in choosing some things I needed for this place.

Since this is an ESSENTIAL spot, meaning each and every THING I invite in must serve me well and not detract in any way from my task at hand which is healing, I see I’ve already made choices from the old Cathy, not the new girl.

It is sssssssooooooo obvious when I choose incorrectly.

And isn’t that GREAT?

I am being gentle with myself and putting that pesky judge to bed and choosing again.

Easy. No fuss.

And now, into this good night I go.. back to bed to sleep and dream of the gifts I am giving myself of beauty and space and light and birds outside and a big brick porch to entertain those I love and a good and uneven unpaved road and the luxury of feeling safe and warm and grateful for the skills I have learned to follow where I am prompted to go and go there needing no agreement.

Night, night…

(Sigh)

Power Tool For Change # 6 – “REFRAME SECURITY”

Many of my previously count-on-able sources of security are gone or going.

Financial resources, my ability to move my body quickly and with ease, the stamina to create large works of art, a twenty five year art career, a home I owned and goals I thought I was committed to but aren’t anymore.

I am new.

Infantile, even.

Not in the weak and helpless sense but more like I’m planted in a new garden and don’t want to sully the naive and tender sprouts with old paradigms and false needs or desires.

These waters I’m swimming in are surely unfamiliar but I sense a gathering archive I might call something like: ‘the right to right action.’

What does that mean??

Not entirely sure yet but the start of it goes something like this:

If you know some life-stuff isn’t working..MAKE SPACE for a new thing to occur.

In that space watch for/feel for what prompting comes.

Example: I needed to find a place to live in two weeks time.

I FELT what I wanted/needed which was: small, bright,safe,affordable,elegant,simple,quiet and life-affirming.

After I sent that very literal vibe out there and asked for assistance from Spirit and friends, the return message settled into my bones that it was on it’s way.

I still worried.

But I ACTED by doing every darn thing I could think of to help the process along.

I am intrigued by the results returning to me from watching this pattern of: INTEND, ACT, ALLOW.

It’s VERY different than a wish and a prayer and leave it at that.

Been doing that half-assed poking into the ethers and waiting for results for a LONG time.

No, this is different.

A conscious KNOWING is the part that was missing.

The question mark is: how did I actually get to that knowing part?

I don’t have the answer but this thing is happening often enough that I know I’m getting warm.

If I have to depend on some sort of exterior-generated sense of security, I lose right off the bat.

So, I gotta figure this out.. follow the musky and skittish scent to the center point and say my peace..

Say my peace… yeah, that’s it.

Power Tool For Change #5- “RESILIENCE”

_______________________

The actual dimensions of the painting pictured above measure 6′ x 30″.

I used a nail head and dull pencil point and a chopstick to make all the indentations.

There are thousands upon thousands of them.

People ask me how I ever had the patience to create such a thing; just standing there making little marks over and over for weeks.

The action of creating this particular piece was decidedly one of the most profound creative experiences I have had.

It was the practice of truly being in the moment as I made each mark and then, as I brought the tool up and away from the surface, to make the decision as to where the next mark would go.

This was happening so fast at times that there was no time to think; just intuit what wanted to happen next.

Other times I decided consciously what needed to happen; change the tool, spread out the marks, introduce an ordered effect or abandon a row altogether.

I see this piece as a good example of living well.

Make a mark.

Do I like it? Does it serve me? Others? Make it again.

Or: make a mark.

Feels wrong.

Make another one to balance out the wrong one.

Sort of like:

Fall down.

Get up, if you can.

Or call someone.

Maybe crawl to a better view.

Lie there and enjoy the scenery.

Or make a stab at getting vertical.

The point is: victimhood happens within non-action.

Many years ago, the TURTLE chose me as my animal totem.

I wanted something cooler.

Like an eagle or hawk.

But, NNNNNOOOOOOO…

Cath got the turtle.

Well, I just decided to surrender to the thing and see what there was for me to learn.

Turns out, my turtle is the desert dwelling, big, giant, old survivor kind.

She’s been around awhile and knows about keeping on keeping on..

She has the gravity of lessons learned without forsaking her vulnerability.

She carries her home with her and takes her time as she enjoys the view.

Every territory is interesting territory to her.

She remains curious and that is the key.

Power Tool For Change #4 – “PRAYER”

____________________

I have a friend who is in the hospital having surgery today.

I am praying for him, his physicians and his family.

When I chose this photograph to complement my writing today, I did it because of the sense of REACH in the sculpture.

Her neck is yearning toward distant pastures..

But is that really prayer?

Is it the action of going outside ourselves for something?

I’m just asking, here, because it’s interesting territory and I watch myself continually going elsewhere for the blessings of GRACE.

I do know from my own experience, that we, humans, are not the be-all-end-all.

We think we are and that is dangerous at best.

For my friend, I want legions of angels and archangels whispering in the ears of his weary doctors and all the detritus of the mundane world OUT of that room as he rests in a state of uncomplicated willingness to allow the invasion happening to him.

I pray for his ease of recovery and for the results he desires to be forthcoming.

Is this life-experience all our own illusion?

I don’t really know.

What I do know is that I need help along this path.

And when I am pure of heart (meaning asking from a non-ego position), assistance is there for me.

It often comes in a decidedly different costume than I had imagined.

But with time on it, I see that my own intelligence could carry me only so far and the gift of it was a few steps further.

Like the health challenges I swim in these days..

Who would’ve thought up this screwy plan to make me stop and undertake this graduate course in refining my life into a package authentically reflective of me?

And yet.. my prayers have always centered around the desire to BECOME REAL.

So, who’s to know?

Today, I pray for peace and healing for my friend.

Whatever that looks like.

Power Tool For Change #3 – “TRIBE”

__________________________

My friends are my gold.

The fact that these particular humans are in my sphere is my greatest achievement.

I invite people into my life for a variety of reasons but the foundation is respect.

Oh yeah.. and the fact I don’t have to (or want to) edit myself with them.

Over this past week as I moved, they have shown up for me in ways that have opened my heart multi-fold.

Cleaning, restaurant-going, listening, driving, dog walking, cleaning some more, packing, laughing, crying..the whole shebang.

I ask myself: “What did I do to deserve this wealth?”

The answer seems to be that I BECAME REAL.

Only then could they find me.

Only then could I recognize them.

When you choose change or it just happens willy-nilly without invitation, make darn sure you don’t do it alone.

My tribe is patient with me.

They know that asking for help is tough for me.

But they keep telling me that f I don’t get the hang of it soon, we ALL lose.

Funny, the adage that it is really the GIVER of service who receives the most in return seems to be spot on..

I don’t know.. the coffers of my heart are darn nigh spilling over..

Power Tool For Change #2- “THE VACUUM”

Within the intensity of this schoolroom of moving to a new home, I am tested and thrown to my knees (literally).

Last night, as I got up to let my dog out, I fell.

Nothing damaged and I am fine but I speak with more authority this morning as I talk about what needs to happen in my life to keep living, essentially.

Not just that, but to thrive while doing so.

Today, we’ll visit THE VACUUM.

Here’s a story:

A good friend is smack in the middle of a divorce following years of what seemed a solid and vital partnership.

She has good taste and found herself test driving a yellow mercedes convertible.

Every cell in her body was thanking her for the wind in her hair and the identity-enhancement of the whole thing..

It was blessed peace to be transported to something ELSE..

The point here, is that the filling up and shifting into anything OTHER THAN the subject at hand will turn around and bite you.

If my wise friend had allowed herself to write a check for that yellow panacea, she’d be LESS THAN, not MORE.

She would have filled her very emptiness with an attention-grabbing experience that would have left her soul dry and hungry at some point.

Closer to home, in my own personal experience, my nervous system is overloaded with the worry and concern regarding the progression of the weakness in my body.

An antidote to the overload is an emptying out of EVERYTHING THAT IS NOT SERVING ME IN SOME WAY.

Creating a vacuum where there once was STUFF and TIRED OUT PRACTICES and ANNOYING PILES OF UNDONE TASKS and MEDICATIONS TAKEN OUT OF FEAR AND NOT PROOF OF EFFICACY and CLOTHES WITH BUTTONS I CAN NO LONGER FASTEN and TOLERATIONS OF ALL COLORS AND SHAPES which I am no longer willing or able to address.

I MUST HAVE ROOM!

Funny, how downsizing allows a manageable peek into what is stealing energy.

You take what works and leave the rest.

Turns out, I actually need very little.

PEACE OF MIND is my goal as the efforts toward healing cannot happen in any other garden, no matter how sexy or fast or yellow.

How much can you take away before you lose the essence of a thing?

The power is in the laying down of what used to be called ‘The American Dream’ and the active waiting for what wants to be taken up.

This is hard-going, this segueing into the truth of authentic need and desire.

It looks funny and awkward to others and may be unpopular at best.

But people will watch you out of the corner of their eye and see the shift you are making toward a very palpable peace.

Shake It Up

_________________________

Forever enchanted with new horizons, I tend toward what might look like a life steeped in insecurity.

I often hanker after a hundred year-old porch swing on a veranda attached to a family-held estate with kids playing bad clarinet and an old yellow lab keeping my feet warm.

But that’s another life….

Certainly not this one.

Recently, I completed a seminar in public speaking for professionals.

One of my homework assignments included creating a 7 minute talk which would be videotaped.

The topic I chose was CHANGE.

Not just change, but how to thrive (or just be ok) within it.

This past month has brought the sale of my home, two weeks to find a new place to live, packing and the physical and emotional tumult that goes along with all that multiplied by 10 as my nervous system tried to keep it’s fragile boundaries intact.

I was so out of it that I totally forgot my own advice I had presented in the seminar.

For the next few days here, on my blog, I’d like to take some time to remind myself and share with you some of the key points I came up with regarding THRIVING IN THE FACE OF CHANGE.

The first of these I call POINT OF VIEW.

Here’s an example:

Cathy moves into a little doll’s house of an apartment.

She chooses it because it is filled with light and it feels like a safe retreat for her to do some needed healing.

In her health challenge, the value system she holds keeps changing.

Right now, her need for light and security and an energetic sense of support prompt the choice of this postage stamp sized home.

Here, she sits amidst boxes and gritty floors from the movers and no dog door for the chihuahua, Olivia, and passageways only just accommodating her walker.

This is a great place but she is mired in self-doubt in her exhaustion.

Possibility is a far-away country at this point.

She is challenged and starts to spiral down.. and down..

But WAIT!

Hold on a second, here.

Wasn’t there hope and inspiration and clarity and an eagerness to meet the unfamiliarity of the place just a day or two ago?

And isn’t she a resilient and creative human being intent on adventure and opening to new territory?

And isn’t there light pouring through the bay window and a dog curled at her back; peaceful in the midst of all this chaos?

I’m not professing any pithy new age aphorisms that leave one cold and empty of a good reality check.

Shifting ones’ point of view is extremely good medicine if you happen to find living well an attractive concept.

Can’t walk today? Lost your job? Burned the dinner?

Cry a bit if you must then remember all we can count on is change and enjoy the time in
between.

It is at times like these that I hobble to the mirror and put on my favorite pink lipstick, blot my lips and begin again..

Usually works every time.

I’m pretty sure tomorrow is in the not too distant future.

It’s all in your point of view..

« Previous Page