Want And Need


“BLUE”, 1995, 30″ x 6′, m/m
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I am settling into my new life

Of Social Security Disability assistance.

My new mantra: “What do I WANT? and what do I actually NEED?”

Sweeping away casual decisions regarding financing a life

Is sobering but fulfilling as well.

Now that I have accustomed myself a bit to the realities present for me,

I notice the high level of anxiety I’ve been negotiating

And have begun to soften my grip a bit.

I have found a perfect place to move to which is clean and safe and I adore it.

Nothing I need in life has EVER come to me through the inherent contraction involved

In the act of TRYING HARD TO WILL SOMETHING into existence.

Getting scared and scrunching my gaze down to slits

As I white- knuckle my mind into battle-mode

Gets nothing done, I’ve found.

This tactic is culturally generated because we are so in love with the mind.

We never learn the true power of INTENT, ACTION and SURRENDER.

In my own process of late, I practice being clear about what I need,

Take action toward that end,

Then take my hands off the wheel and let the thing happen.

This surrender part is essential, I’ve found.

And challenging to do.

My impetus is to ‘tough it out’

Or Keep fiddling with a situation (relationship. finding a home, getting published, getting healthy)

Until it falls apart from too much ‘handling’..

If it gets too hard something is off.

Time to step back from the scene and give it some room.

Then revisit.

Or not.

The assistance available in that very ‘SPACE’

Seems to be something potent and worthy of cultivation.

comments

2 Responses to “Want And Need”

  1. webster on November 9th, 2011

    I would love to hear more about the “perfect place” to move into – but perhaps you don’t want to risk jinxing it until you can put down a deposit. Good Luck.

  2. Donna on November 10th, 2011

    Nothing I need in life has EVER come to me through the inherent contraction involved… In the act of TRYING HARD TO WILL SOMETHING into existence.

    I’m slowly getting the subtle difference between asserting and then allowing if something is to be and when I try too hard. I’ve spent a lot of time on the opposite ends of the spectrum — too “zen” or trying too hard. Still taking action of some sort but doing it without contracting is hard and new. I get this.

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