The Peace of Forgiveness
Louise Hay made the connection between illness and emotional blockages popular. She writes that MS is due to ‘rigid thinking.’
I poo-pooed that bit of information for years holding ‘rigidly’ to my belief I was a person who is flexible, open and I felt very ‘right’ in these beliefs.
Here is a story:
Years ago when my mother died I inherited money which was put into a trust divided equally four ways for the siblings.
My youngest brother was given the thankless job of overseeing the trust for the rest of us siblings. I am the eldest.
We were each to apply for any funds through him as the bridge to the trust.
I was in the full throes of ‘MS-land’ and had not the energy to get a job so I kept taking money out monthly knowing full well I was depleting the principal and would someday come to the end of this gift from my mother but I did not know how to make another kind of decision that may have preserved the money for a longer period.
This was a huge strain on my brother and me. Our relationship became adversarial as he only wanted to support me and I felt cornered and judged and unable to wrap my weakened arms around doing the ‘smart’ things which may have preserved my relationship with my brother (whom I love dearly) as well as my money.
I stopped communicating with him.
Life continued for us both but very separately.
The money quickly ran out as we all knew it would.
I felt oddly relieved and free.
My brother and I spoke sparingly over the years following but always with the foundation of love we feel for one another. The foundation was surely there but with a large chink missing.
A few months ago I felt an enormous ‘missing’ in my heart at the loss of our former closeness.
I called him and apologized for anything I might have done during that time that frustrated him, angered him, disappointed him or hurt him in any way.
I took full responsibility for the wreckage.
I had been making him wrong for a long time in my mind; He was judging me for being less capable with money matters than he and he thought me lazy for not getting a job to augment my finances and he thought me infantile in my dealings with the trust and him as he tried valiantly to do this horrible job he never asked for.
On the phone I heard his deep anger and frustration as he took up the space I gave him to speak.
Something happened during that phone conversation: I heard him and left ‘me’ to the side.
I got off the phone and a wide and luscious sense of peace filled in that missing chink in our foundation.
This peace was palpable and was injected directly into my heart and has stayed there.
As I move through the world now, that same peace seeps out and moves of it’s own accord toward other parts of my life which need the same salve.
My brother and I were/are both innocent…innocent hearts doing their very best.
We are all innocent hearts doing our very best.
I love you, Pete….