Fancy Problems and Mag Wheels

I really hit the wall yesterday regarding the level of patience demanded of me as I await my apartment. It was ugly. Raw venom. People with access to lawyers would NEVER put up with this abuse from the city inspectors no-showing to appointments at my future apartment building and the constant move-in dates set and cancelled since January. Almost 4 months of waiting. It is all insanity provoking.

I let it pass through me and two hours later as I watched our country’s response to the unimaginable tragedy in Boston and now Texas I had to adjust my perspective to recognize that what I have are fancy problems comparatively. Perspective is everything. When you can get it.

On another subject entirely:

I am not really sure what mag wheels are exactly but I like thinking about them and saying the word. I took delivery of my new wheelchair yesterday and IT IS SO COOL AND TECHIE LOOKING. Called QUANTUM, it’s wheels are large and deep tread, body is pewter grey and matte black and distance capacity is 15 miles as opposed to the one mile on my current used model (gifted to me two years ago). My new one comes via Medicaid many months in the making and I was prepared to ‘shut up and make do’ aesthetically and functionally but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO need. My Detroit genes are quivering at the speed potential.

Reality check: I am excited about a wheelchair… How did I get here?????????????

Powerless Not Helpless

Well…Here I am still in wait mode for my apartment. It interests me how the essence of a place can be so alive and either nurturing or not. Here, I have had an opportunity to rest deeply on all levels and catch up a bit on what has been a full 5 months of high stress in my housing transition conundrums. Since I am so good at soldiering my way through challenges I tend to forget what stress does to MS.. It really is scarily apparent the ground I have lost as I begin to relax and recoup. I rest, read, self-medicate with cable TV and eat consciously.

I get in trouble when I isolate myself due to fatigue. Yesterday, I went into downtown Santa Fe and tooled around with a good girlfriend and Livvy. I noticed how happy I was and able to be present with various people we met on the street because I had the support of my friend. She has what I call ‘wide-vision’ and sees possible obstacles before we get there and remedies the situation which paves the way for me to relax. Just little things like moving chairs out of the way and opening doors.

I honestly don’t know how I do this path I am on alone. I just do what I have to do and am beyond grateful for the support and kindness I come in contact with more often than not; surprise conversations of depth with strangers, miracle offers of financial help, my family’s continual ‘got your back, Cath.’

Life is good.

ps… forgive me for not responding to emails you send me through this site. my mail system won’t let me until I can access my desktop computer.

Nesting Instinct

I am beyond content in my little hotel room. This is really the first time I have lived with a fully outfitted handicapped living space and it really makes all the difference in the world; roll-in shower, low sinks, elevated commode.

Everything is spotlessly clean and no toxic cleaning odors. My needs are simple and here I have it all, albeit Spartan. If this last 5 months of living in stressful ‘find-a-suitable-new-home’ mode have taught me anything it is this:

I need beauty like I need air. For me this is not extravagant or gold-plated. It simply means SIMPLE. Unfettered energy, light, uncluttered, airy, uncomplicated, healthy, easy on the eyes and body.

When I moved to New Mexico 25 years ago from Michigan I had to train my eyes and being to live with space. New Mexico IS space. Energy travels with no obstacles. The colors are muted, shy even. So different from the enclosures of forests and moisture-laden vanilla skies. The sky here is unapologetically a riveting color of blue which acts like the best qualities of a wee bit of valium for me.

The allure of ‘stuff’ has dropped many, many layers in the tapestry of my value system. I am decidedly content in my nest.

Hotels

I am segueing once again to a hotel as my short term rental owners are returning and still no go ahead to occupy the apartment.

I remember Ram Dass speaking about when he had a stroke and his entire archive of spirit directed learning and living was nowhere to be found. He was reduced to core survival mode and just threw the whole spiritual towel in with a venomous “F—!”

I look back on this last month and feel somewhat the same. You never know about these things until tested. A good reality check is always great fodder for the mill. Yeah well..enough already.

As for my hotel stay- I happen to love them and actually look forward to a SHORT stay if the gods be kind.

When I get settled in my new place I will begin posting short videos peppered between the written word depending on my mood. I have thought about this for quite awhile and it felt too vulnerable but now I seem eager. Go figure…

Onward.

Transitioning

Be patient with this girl until I right all the wrongs with my computer access and can be with you once again.

Every Move She Makes

For the past month I have been out of touch what with computer snafus and transitional living as I await my new apartment. I am STILL waiting in the land of stasis and trying valiently to keep to the high road with intermittant success.

“Don’t give up before the miracle” someone said.

What happens when all you know as familiar is somewhere else; MY stuff, MY routines, MY aesthetics, MY familiar sounds and scents are in storage and on hold for an inderterminate time?

I segue from ok to not and back again.. all in the spanse of minutes.

What grounds me, elevates me and captures me are the rigors of remaining true to my essential self which is really pretty light and far from morose. This ‘me’ is entertained by the soft belly of my dog, watching people in their theater-of-life, recognizing TRUE LIFE (without pretense or script) as I meet it in the eyes of strangers, nature, books and ideas and myself as everything I thought precious is peeled away to reveal a raw and impossibly new and suprisingly intriguing girl.

She is curiously peaceful at times. Even in the midst of such chaos. She is fierce with talons to match the inhumane treatment city officials tender those with less clout than others.

What is there to learn here? Is being reviled by seeming injustice the ticket?

I’d rather reign it in and take myself for a walk in the Spring, Breathe to make room for the miracle. Turn my attention to a soft belly.