Mettle

ceramic,7x4x1/2″


.

It took me longer to forgive my mother than the guy that raped me.

They both took things from me; stuff I needed to thrive.

The rapist rendered my physical self insecure which has lasted a long time and I am defended where I wasn’t before.

My mother disallowed my essence and spirit to recognize themselves as innately good and worthy.

She could only give what she knew.

I have forgiven them both

And directed my life toward re-mothering my own self; my way.

It will be a lifetimes’ work.

I surround myself with beauty and know I love it because I feel my own beauty through it.

Flowers, antique linens, light, space, silence, treats like a daily visit to the coffee shop where I am known and appreciated, living with an animal that teaches me every day what love actually is, sharing my talents and creativity with others, acknowledging beauty and goodness in people when I experience it instead of staying quiet, dressing well, cultivating good manners, keeping gratitude very, very close.

I never wanted kids.

Don’t remember ever having even one “biological clock ping”

And I am so glad because somehow God knew I needed this lifetime to be about me and my own healing.

I had so many unmet needs myself that I was spared eventual resentment toward children.

Today, I would be a great mom I think

But I am 63.

It seems a bit weird that dealing with the constricting challenges I do

My heart has more love in it than ever.

I did/am doing the work and am so very glad.

It could have been a bitter pill of a life

But feels more like a swim in an infinity pool;

98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.

comments

7 Responses to “Mettle”

  1. Debra Moody on May 12th, 2018

    Not my words, but I chose to share them with you because they ARE you:

    You could have grown cold, but you grew courageous instead.
    You could have given up, but you kept on going.
    You could have seen obstacles, but you called them adventures.
    You could have doubted yourself, but you kept trusting your knowing.
    You could have called them weeds, but instead you called them wildflowers.
    You could have died a caterpiller, but you fought on to be a butterfly.
    You could have denied yourself goodness, but instead you chose to show yourself some self-love.
    You could have defined yourself by the dark days, but instead through them, you realised your light.
    – S.C. Lourie

    Shine on, my friend. XO

  2. CaroleZoom on May 12th, 2018

    So beautifully written.

  3. Brenda on May 12th, 2018

    Beautiful post. Awareness and truth. Thank you.

    “And I am so glad because somehow God knew I needed this lifetime to be about me and my own healing. . .”

  4. Alexandra Eldridge on May 12th, 2018

    Thank you, Kathy. I learn so much from you. You have mothered yourself so well. Happy Mother’s Day. Xx

  5. Joe on May 12th, 2018

    You are a great whatever you choose to be.

    I am privileged to call you friend.

    Friendships bloom in the most barren areas.

    ?? Joe

  6. Joe on May 12th, 2018

    You are a great whatever you choose to be.

    I am privileged to call you friend.

    Friendships bloom in the most barren areas.

    ?? Joe

  7. Brenda Chamberlain on May 16th, 2018

    Your post is moving and thoughtful, Cathy. And you are a great, loving Mom…what would Emma do without you? Warmly, Brenda

Leave a Reply