Saved

“LIGHT”, 6’x4′,m/m

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Reflecting on what I wrote in my last post about Freedom

This sentence just kind of stopped me: “The health challenge of MS saved me.”

Now- What the hell does that mean?

I had to go back and really think about it myself because this tidbit of wisdom just sort of snuck out unbeknownst to my consciousness at the time. (often I write stream-of-consciousness which is how I learn
where I need to put my attention).

“Saved from what?” I asked myself.

Change, challenges and particularly crises are bitter pills.

There are many reasons freedom is my top value (theme of last post); first and foremost in my youth I lived with the mother-message: “Cathy-do NOT bypass me with your energy! ANY of it..sexuality, creativity, gregariousness” ..et al.

I have forgiven her for this psychic compression of me because I now am strong enough to call up compassion for the lure she sucombed to, needing to punish SOMEone for her unhealed shit.

Being a stubborn human as I am I guess I needed a giant wallop of a gritty scenario to push up against to realize my Self (capital “S”);

To release all the armor, protective measures and survival strategies I created to ensure I allowed myself the experience of my essential self.

THIS is how the challenges of MS have saved me…my perseverance has shown my innate knowledge of and loyalty to doing what it takes to RETURN TO MY ORIGINAL SELF.

What I offer you here is the privilege of coming along on my ride in all of its unvarnished WABI-SABI wonderfulness.

Often not very pretty

But very, very real.

This level of vulnerability seems in short supply.

I try to remember if it is true for me then it may be so for others.

I call it a privilege because whether you judge or champion you are privy to the mechanics of a woman BECOMING.

My observations and exposure here are of huge value to me as I have the benefit of a computer screen between us as a buffer allowing intimacies perhaps too timid to appear face-to-face.

Thank you for wading in these rippling waters with me.

Profoundly less lonely.

And way more fun.

xxxx…

comments

3 Responses to “Saved”

  1. Jane on August 22nd, 2018

    Reading about your mother leads me to see if you know http://www.dailypracticeofjoy.com/

    ~J

  2. Adele Rosen on August 22nd, 2018

    Oh Cathy
    I’m sitting by the lake now and soaking in your beautiful Self
    xxxxxxxxx

  3. Becky Patterson on August 22nd, 2018

    You’ve had to push the button to fast forward to get down to Original Self. I’m still stumbling over anger, pity, stress bc I’m “s sensitive” for this world. You. Are so brave. And STILL outshine your mom. With art, creativity, writing pride, guts and dealing with this assignment with such profound grace. Until you pointed out the line I wrote,” I love dead-heading geraniums in the dark” ( of morning. LOL don’t really. It was just dark at the time. And I was getting something
    Productive done before the green-light-go rat race!! Haha. But your eyes edited that out to be its own thing. You have editing eyes. That’s the difference between an artist an the ordinary. Love. Me

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