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Either/Or

 

 

 

EITHER/OR

 

Either weakness thrives

Or I woo something larger.

More interesting.

 

 

                                               – Cathy Aten July 2009

Woman Becoming

 

WOMAN BECOMING

 

Woman becoming.

Dark kelp forest holds her safe

Till’ she wants your eyes.

.

Diet

The other day I took my dog for a drive to the river. She splashed around while I sat and mused in the sun. It was perfect.
Driving home I pass this great restaurant with an outdoor cafe, a stellar view of the mountains and guacamole to die for which they make at your table. I can’t help myself! I turn in and park. It is just too summery, too dreamy of a day and I’m in it with both feet.

I have kept my diet so very clean for so very long in my quest for health. I eat mostly raw (salads, veggies, smoothees, fruit sparingly, some grains and quite a bit of protein). I thought I could just have the fabulous guacamole and forgo THE CHIPS! But it just didn’t work out that way.

Anyone challenged by living with a chronic illness knows the desire that is always scratching at the door to BE NORMAL! I hate going to restaurants and being what I call a ‘food person’ which translates to really high maintenance ordering and a curl of the lip from the waitperson. On this summer day, I threw caution to the wind and went for the unadulterated pleasure of eating without decision making or anxiety. IT WAS GREAT! I was happy.

The next day I could not walk.
The day after that I could not walk.
Today, the feeling is just barely coming back to my legs.

Specific foods are debilitating for me and I know it but hedonistic desire overtakes me occasionally and I get my lesson. AGAIN.

The corn has an allergic effect on me because of all the fungus it picks up when processed. Raisins act the same on my body for similar reasons. When dealing with a health challenge such as mine, one needs to know about chemistry, psychology, food combining, environmental issues, ad infinitum… I find it marginally interesting however there are many ways I’d prefer to use my life energy rather than what feels like such a ‘me-centric’ existence.

And so I rebel.
And then I can’t function.
And then I choose again to get up, dust myself off and begin again.

Without chips.

Love Letter

LOVE LETTER TO SPRING

We thought it would never come.
That dripping, pungent, just-waking- up
Season of LIFE!
It hides, teases, burrows down
So far that we forget-
Forget the wild heartbeat that comes
With the lover at the door.
Old thoughts of circumstances long gone
Have no place here.
All is washed clean,
Naked to the promise
Of every thing spanking new.

And so, what shall I choose
To adorn myself for you?
Nothing secondhand, NO!
For me there will be butter yellow
Like the grasses by the roadside.
Perhaps a deep brown
With the scent of new rain
Behind my ear.
Of course, lest I forget
A shirt the shade of
The inside of that orchid
I saw on your desk.

The door will open
And there you’ll stand,
Crackling with the promise
Of a thunderstorm.
Wild, navy blue clouds
Demanding my attention.
“Come in”, I say, slightly unnerved.
Nothing seems familiar, everything new.
I leave the door open,
So all this blossoming, and greening and thundering and light
Has no question it is welcome
To change us, release us
From all we know to be true,
And leave us spent with awe
For all we thought we knew.

                                      -  Cathy Aten    Easter 2009

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