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“People will forget what you’ve said

and people will forget what you’ve done

but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

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-Dr. Maya Angelou
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I find myself using this image I created from so long ago more than any other.

Why?

Well- it gives me a visceral experience of courage, the great unknown, the Big Mystery, hope and the sense of: “What the hell else is there to do, Cath, but move forward?”

I am uninterested in drama and the forthcoming laundry list of recent life ‘opportunities’ is an attempt to fill in THE VERY BIG BLANK I left you all with on this blog:

* move out of long-time beloved home and into rental until new apartment opens up (thinking 2 weeks).
* rental place is very inaccessible, dirty, depressing and dark.
* after over 1 month I must find new place to live as tenants returning to rental.
* move again to hotel w/ cooking facilities
* stay there another month
* FINALLY apartment is ready!!!!
* move in and love it.
* washer and bath flood apartment 3x. Construction company puts me up at Holiday Inn while my floors are jackhammered.
* stay 6 days
* FINALLY I am given the go-ahead to move back home.

And here I sit at my own computer writing to you from my lovely though not as yet fully unpacked, HOME.

Now- for an able-bodied person these challenges would be just that- challenges. For someone in my position with challenged abilities they border on deadly as stress wreaks havoc and fatigue curtails the necessary tasks of living (like eating and exercising and grooming). Yes- I was a dirty girl at times..

I lost weight. I lost functionality. I couldn’t access creativity.

I read. Watched cable TV. Made trips to the library to use a computer. Took Livvy for rolls around parking lots surrounding hotels. Went deep inside myself and spoke to very few friends. I isolated because I had nothing to say and no energy or inclination to be acceptable company.

I got depressed.

Then I got ok again.

And so forth and so on…

I waited in stasis mode for a respite and tried not to beat myself up for all the things I wasn’t/couldn’t/didn’t want to do.

What was the lesson in all of it?

What was I to learn?

This life of mine could be titled: “THE GREAT UNDOING”

Who I was, ISN’T here anymore.

Who I am is a work in progress; messy, raw, real, separate, connected, grateful, angry, tired, curious, lively, fun and not.

Honestly… I’m getting more honest… I am disappointed in myself and others less often. I can usually find the gold given enough time.
What interests me most right now is setting up my life to return into life WITH that very gold; by writing, speaking, connecting.

Moving forward..

I let it pass through me and two hours later as I watched our country’s response to the unimaginable tragedy in Boston and now Texas I had to adjust my perspective to recognize that what I have are fancy problems comparatively. Perspective is everything. When you can get it.

On another subject entirely:

I am not really sure what mag wheels are exactly but I like thinking about them and saying the word. I took delivery of my new wheelchair yesterday and IT IS SO COOL AND TECHIE LOOKING. Called QUANTUM, it’s wheels are large and deep tread, body is pewter grey and matte black and distance capacity is 15 miles as opposed to the one mile on my current used model (gifted to me two years ago). My new one comes via Medicaid many months in the making and I was prepared to ‘shut up and make do’ aesthetically and functionally but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO need. My Detroit genes are quivering at the speed potential.

Reality check: I am excited about a wheelchair… How did I get here?????????????

I get in trouble when I isolate myself due to fatigue. Yesterday, I went into downtown Santa Fe and tooled around with a good girlfriend and Livvy. I noticed how happy I was and able to be present with various people we met on the street because I had the support of my friend. She has what I call ‘wide-vision’ and sees possible obstacles before we get there and remedies the situation which paves the way for me to relax. Just little things like moving chairs out of the way and opening doors.

I honestly don’t know how I do this path I am on alone. I just do what I have to do and am beyond grateful for the support and kindness I come in contact with more often than not; surprise conversations of depth with strangers, miracle offers of financial help, my family’s continual ‘got your back, Cath.’

Life is good.

ps… forgive me for not responding to emails you send me through this site. my mail system won’t let me until I can access my desktop computer.

Everything is spotlessly clean and no toxic cleaning odors. My needs are simple and here I have it all, albeit Spartan. If this last 5 months of living in stressful ‘find-a-suitable-new-home’ mode have taught me anything it is this:

I need beauty like I need air. For me this is not extravagant or gold-plated. It simply means SIMPLE. Unfettered energy, light, uncluttered, airy, uncomplicated, healthy, easy on the eyes and body.

When I moved to New Mexico 25 years ago from Michigan I had to train my eyes and being to live with space. New Mexico IS space. Energy travels with no obstacles. The colors are muted, shy even. So different from the enclosures of forests and moisture-laden vanilla skies. The sky here is unapologetically a riveting color of blue which acts like the best qualities of a wee bit of valium for me.

The allure of ‘stuff’ has dropped many, many layers in the tapestry of my value system. I am decidedly content in my nest.

I remember Ram Dass speaking about when he had a stroke and his entire archive of spirit directed learning and living was nowhere to be found. He was reduced to core survival mode and just threw the whole spiritual towel in with a venomous “F—!”

I look back on this last month and feel somewhat the same. You never know about these things until tested. A good reality check is always great fodder for the mill. Yeah well..enough already.

As for my hotel stay- I happen to love them and actually look forward to a SHORT stay if the gods be kind.

When I get settled in my new place I will begin posting short videos peppered between the written word depending on my mood. I have thought about this for quite awhile and it felt too vulnerable but now I seem eager. Go figure…

Onward.

“Don’t give up before the miracle” someone said.

What happens when all you know as familiar is somewhere else; MY stuff, MY routines, MY aesthetics, MY familiar sounds and scents are in storage and on hold for an inderterminate time?

I segue from ok to not and back again.. all in the spanse of minutes.

What grounds me, elevates me and captures me are the rigors of remaining true to my essential self which is really pretty light and far from morose. This ‘me’ is entertained by the soft belly of my dog, watching people in their theater-of-life, recognizing TRUE LIFE (without pretense or script) as I meet it in the eyes of strangers, nature, books and ideas and myself as everything I thought precious is peeled away to reveal a raw and impossibly new and suprisingly intriguing girl.

She is curiously peaceful at times. Even in the midst of such chaos. She is fierce with talons to match the inhumane treatment city officials tender those with less clout than others.

What is there to learn here? Is being reviled by seeming injustice the ticket?

I’d rather reign it in and take myself for a walk in the Spring, Breathe to make room for the miracle. Turn my attention to a soft belly.

Instructions for living a life.
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it.

- Mary Oliver
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I love her so much I feel ok calling her “Mare.”

Well..

I am paying attention all right..

Paying attention to my tired skin and psyche as I shift abodes once again.

I am astonished by the friends I have in my life who are here, shoring me up and ‘re-membering’ my phantom limbs which now are adrift in their own orbit it seems.

I am astonished I still have the curiosity and capability to keep waking up and donning my favorite red lipstick as I re-enter the world to see what lights and shadow I see.

Here I am telling you about it..

Telling you the chessboard intrigues me.

And I still got game.

“BLUE GIRL” 11 x 11″ m/m

You have not danced so badly, my dear,
Trying to hold hands with the Beautiful One.
You have waltzed with great style,
My sweet, crushed angel,
To have ever neared God’s heart at all.

Our Partner is notoriously difficult to follow,
And even His best musicians are not always easy
To hear.
So what if the music has stopped for a while.
So what
If the price of admission to the Divine
Is out of reach tonight.
So what, my dear,
If you do not have the ante to gamble for Real Love.

The mind and the body are famous
For holding the heart ransom,
But Hafiz knows the Beloved’s eternal habits.
Have patience,
For He will not be able to resist your longing
For Long.

You have not danced so badly, my dear,
Trying to kiss the Beautiful One.
You have actually waltzed with tremendous style,
O my sweet,
O my sweet crushed angel.

-HAFIZ