It Took Me a Life to Learn

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Things I have learned that are most important to me now:

1. Whenever someone’s behavior triggers me and anger or resentment arise.. It is usually about me and seldom about them. (I hate this one..)

2. The line I think I can not live beyond is likely not it.

3. A smile is my most powerful tool. Free, takes up no space, universally understood, magic-maker.

4. It is way more fun to love myself than run the ragged tapes of self-disappointment.

5. A good scarf, bracelet, earrings or lipstick can elevate my state of being in an instant and act as invisible “fist bump” to people letting them know I care about putting myself together well and entering life with confidence and curiosity. Less victim..more eager participant.

6. Suffering pokes holes in the armor of a heart. Those humans and animals having experienced tenderization in this way are often recognizable to the others immediately.

7. Prayer works only if truly, madly, deeply FELT.

8. Asking for and receiving help has been my hardest thing. Being capable, independent, self-sufficient and not needing is really not the holy grail our culture espouses. I am learning INTER-DEPENDENCE.

9. Really “seeing” another person is the greatest gift I can give. This means, even for just a moment, putting aside all of my own needs, wants, drama, complaint, worry to allow space for the other person to just EXIST in my company.

10. Beauty is available everywhere and always..often in the ugliest of situations. A good life means, to me, adjusting my attitude and awareness in order to access that Beauty.

“Resting Bitch Face” -Carrie Fisher

As a recovering people pleaser I understood immediately what Carrie Fisher, the actress meant by the above phrase.

Here is a little experiment:

Stand in front of a mirror.
Close your eyes for a minute and as you do this let all emotion,tension,holding,defense drain from your face.
Pay particular attention to softening your mouth, jaw and let the tongue drop deep into the hollow between your lower teeth.
Now open your eyes.

Who you see there is your natural self.

Before any thoughts of being perfect or particular for anyone.

Prior to shifting yourself to manipulate a situation by projecting approachable or safe or sexy or competent or smart or cool.

(Talking about something other than authentic and genuine, involuntary exultation)

When I do this my countenance appears kind-of bitchy too.

The curl up of outer lips is gone and my mouth is neutral.

Everything is neutral

And there’s something slightly scary about this

But also profound.

If my face reads neutral, you, who are the observer will make up any story about me that suits you.

You may register me as sick or suffering and kick into “fix her” mode.

Maybe you will wish I looked happier, more well

In order to relax and carry on with your own life instead of worrying.

You might think how great it is I am out adventuring with my dog

Or wonder why you so often see me alone.

If I cruise wearing a visible smile

You might be inspired by my attitude

Or take pleasure in my apparent pleasure.

All of these are stories

Generated by perception.

I am aware of this and understand the huge amount of energy I put in to alleviating others’ suffering by wearing a smile.

I do it for my own enjoyment and well-being and also for my love of aesthetics understanding Emma and I are an entertaining picture.

Connections are far and away more likely to happen if I seem approachable by offering the invitation of a smile and sometimes this is what I am after.

All this to say that my resting bitch face is not really mean..

Just neutral,

Like the blank canvas the artist faces in the studio.

Life as a work of art.

When I can call up the juju

This is my entertainment.

Dirt

“BLACK MESA”,3×6′, m/m

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I love Dirt (capitalization intended).

“Earth” is gentrified Dirt and not what we are up to today..

Did I ever tell you the story of eating Dirt?

I will tell it here again as it is a pivotal tale in my life and you may understand me a bit better after hearing it.

Moving to the New Mexico landscape from Michigan greenery and severely compressed horizon in 1989 stopped being jarring for me after the first week or two.

The place is pretty much space, sky and brown which is a darn sight different than oak trees and suburban lawns I can assure you.

One needs glasses tuned to deeply subtle beauty here; the kind barely visible inside shadows or the dark.

My beloved grandmother, Gonnie, passed away a few years after I moved here and I travelled to Michigan to attend her funeral.

She was born to the upper class but her true “hood” was the garden; roses, raspberries, lilies of the valley, lilacs planted for color and fragrance, tulips and a rock garden.

She pretty much raised me and silently taught me about Dirt and growing things.

Friendship with other women did not come easily to her and I felt the heaviness being lonely can bring

But we adored one another.

When she died I instinctively dug up a pink double-petalled peony plant and carefully bagged the moist root ball cradling it on my lap as I flew home to Santa Fe.

I dug a home for it to live and paused in prayer.

The Dirt was black and impossibly alive

With her.

I put a pinch-full on my tongue

And brought it inside my mouth and, feeling the grit, swallowed.

And cried.

It was the most beautiful form of prayer.

Of course, peonies are much too delicate to live in New Mexico

So..even after my uber-tending

The roots never took

But it really was ok because I have her in me.

Delicate-ness doesn’t last long here.

The place demands courage, resilience, self-sufficiency, silence, reflection on self and other.

If one’s roots can’t push hard enough to get to the elusive water often just out of reach,

You die.

Yes…Earth is gentrified Dirt

And I love them both

More than is reasonable.

My roots were always meant to do the muscular turning and twisting and stretching and yearning and bending and searching

Living in New Mexico demands.

I love delicacy

And am conscious of what it has taken to be in relation to the grit.

….

ps- FYI: if you click on image then click again the full detail of each image I post is revealed. 🙂

What Do We Do In The Dark?

monoprint,30×22

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This winter has been challenging for me.

Bitter cold, schizophrenic wind screaming in the eaves

And way, wayyyyyyyy too many mornings

Waking to cool grey watercolor skies.

Yuk.

My wheelchairs deep tread tires itch

For action

And I spray Chanel #5 on my curly lamb neck warmer

And wear it around the house

Like a weird prayer

For the permission

To outdoors myself.

This week warmth has snuck back in.

And good friends and family are coming to visit!

I begin happy-ing up.

Emma gets ditties sung to her

Whether she wants them or not.

During the long dark

I thought of the longest dark.

Not seriously;

More in a curious way.

I prayed in my bed

Curled fetal

Around a heating pad

I love

More than is reasonable.

I prayed for my athletic and shredded

Nervous system

To fucking give me some peace.

Emma and I make the micro-adjustments

As we lay there-

Needing the primal reinforcement

Of constant contact.

I let myself love crime TV

And try to meditate in the mornings

But I am water-logged in stillness

So inviting more seems the act of a mad person.

One day I screamed into a pillow

Out of vocal atrophy

But Emma got a look on her face

No one should ever see.

In the dark of this winter

My hibernation was

Not a peaceful one.

My friends will arrive soon

And help me reclaim

Undernourished life lines

Connecting me to

The taut and gracious

Brain and body

I let go to seed.

My underground self

Will keep stretching

Toward their warmth and humor

And my complexion will pink.

My own long migration

From the dark to the light

Depends more and more

On Communion

Of any kind

Which,

In essence,

Means not alone.

Sometimes Love

my friend Jann and me

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Sometimes love isn’t shiny or smiley.

Today, love is waking before dawn and appreciating that I can trust the sun

To rise.

Humans are fairly untrustable

Because we have the ability to create stories

About ourselves and each other

That might be very entertaining

But that’s about it.

There ARE some humans in my sphere

Who are my rocks (to hold on to when I need weight)

And deep, forest moss (to fall into and breathe the greenness when all other is acrid).

Some of my humans are funny (to lift the corners of a mouth frozen in worry or uncertainty).

There are my friends who keep letting me be silent without judgement

Or needing more of me

Than I can give.

Sometimes love is the tiniest of a trusting dog

Snoring on my lap

Inside the movie theater

Blasting out the sounds of a thriller film

Made more thrilling

Feeling Emmas’ warm weight

On my thighs.

Oh…love is so simple sometimes..

Did I really just say that???

Because nobody I am aware of;

Astronaut or Dr. Phil,

Has quite figured out the proper equation

To get the prize

We most want.

These are some things I know about Love:

1. One must cultivate having a porous heart to even recognize Love is afoot.

2. Usually, it comes in unexpectedly small packages, sounds, sights and smells.

3. We ARE it but spend our lives dressing up then disrobing until, at the end we have only the energy to feel it gently lift the tiny hairs on our naked body. And we swoon.

4. Love of self has to come first and this is so hard and why we need a multitude of lifetimes.

5. In my blood family we have learned to love one another very thoroughly and well but we began as innocents with a wish.

6. Most of what passes for love is need.

7. I know most of what I sense love is through my relationship with my dogs.

8. The natural world holds all the answers to any question we might have about love; how to do it, how to get it, what it is, how to be when you’re in it.

9. Humans unfamiliar with or too long left without the benefit of love have defended eyes.

10. Any familiarity with True Love can be an impetus to devote one’s life to editing out whatever ISN’T

I Must Fall In Love

wooden matches,earth

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I MUST FALL IN LOVE
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I must fall in love

With my unfortunately placed

Lines and wrinkly bits.

I remember

Saying to myself

Not too long ago really:

“I hope I don’t age like her.”

“i hope my way is more balanced

In the crevice department.”

The ones

That appeared overnight

Around about my mouth

Are called

“Marionette lines.”

Do men have these?

I don’t think so.

I wonder if mine came

From all the false smiling?

No matter.

I must fall in love

With who I am

Because I haven’t the money

To erase the evidence

Of all the innocent

Choices I made

In service to

Curiosity.

And survival;

Let’s not forget that…

If I plumped myself

Up

And needled

The cracks

I would surely miss

The full landscape

Of me

And I find myself interesting.

I do crave

A gorgeous aging

Like those older models;

Luckily

Calling attention.

My envelope

Of skin

Has travelled

Through the mail

A bit.

I’ve been places;

Mostly in my mind

And

I am

Here still

To tell you

I wish

I had not

Smiled

When

I did not

Want

To.

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CA. 2019

In The Middle

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The good part of the “bad” in chronic illness is the fact our old and cherished identity we thought we’d get to preen and feed forever
melts into a puddle. We are left with a rippling and fractured reflection of our old self. There’s no one to assist in the warrior’s path of bringing the new “us” into focus.

We are ‘in the middle’ as a new way of life.

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Pema Chodron says:

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“We are told about the pain of chasing after pleasure and the futility of running from pain. We hear also about the joy of awakening, of realizing our interconnectedness, of trusting the openness of our hearts and minds. But we aren’t told all that much about this state of being in-between, no longer able to get our old comfort from the outside but not yet dwelling in a continual sense of equanimity and warmth.
Anxiety, heartbreak, and tenderness mark the in-between state. It’s the kind of place we usually want to avoid. The challenge is to stay in the middle rather than buy into struggle and complaint. The challenge is to let it soften us rather than make us more rigid and afraid. Becoming intimate with the queasy feeling of being in the middle of nowhere only makes our hearts more tender. When we are brave enough to stay in the middle, compassion arises spontaneously. By not knowing, not hoping to know, and not acting like we know what’s happening, we begin to access our inner strength.
Yet, it seems reasonable to want some kind of relief. If we can make the situation right or wrong, if we can pin it down in any way, then we are on familiar ground. But something has shaken up our habitual patterns and frequently they no longer work. Staying with volatile energy gradually becomes more comfortable than acting out or repressing it. This open-ended tender place is called bodhichitta. Staying with it is what heals. It allows us to let go of our self-importance. It’s how the warrior learns to love”.

I Bought a Leopard Print Jacket

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I usually shoot for spare and elegant in my “peacockery” when choosing what to wear.

But lately I have ancient anger re-surfacing.

Old “mother-stuff” undealt with.

You’d think a lifetime of therapy would have taken a squeegee

To my nervous system (in chronic hypervigilance due to her)…

But NO……

The glass is not yet cleared of the awful fog of war

I innocently turned in on myself

And ended up with an autoimmune illness

Which makes me fucking ANGRY

So I bought myself

A LEOPARD PRINT COAT

In the hope that when I wrap myself

In the perfect chaos of the spots

I will take on some of that same wild

And

Even as I hold myself

High and risen

In my trusty chariot ;

Contained in an elegant package

Will be me as the wildest, growling, taut in muscle and mind

Leopard-girl.

The leavings of sonic boom shatterings

Of grief laced with rage

And be-fuddlement

Will be seen by those behind me

Perchance ambling by

Confused by the wide and sure

Pressure

Of

Paw prints

Left by

A very large

Cat.

Smelling of Chanel #5.

Don’t Worry

frailty

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DON’T WORRY

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Don’t worry
If you are not
Where you want
To go.

If I say ‘‘empathy’’
Does your heart
Release
A few old scales?

If a dog
Happens to dance
A prayer for food
Do your eyes gleam?

I don’t know
My multiplication tables
But I can remind you
If you lost your song.

No longer do I ask
“Am I good enough?”
I AM which is
Indeed all there is.

Yesterday
I saw two black birds
Dipping and veering.
I gave them my attention.

That’s as good
As it gets I think;
Pay attention.
No expectation.

There is
No wrong road
Unless
You follow someone else’s.

Dipping and veering
In the hall of mirrors
Is the cost
Of character.

I’ve paid my dues
And then some
For the privilege
To know nothing.

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-Cathy Aten

Blue Man

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Yesterday, I passed him by.

Approaching the elevator

Leading up to my favorite coffee spot

I saw a blue man sitting on a bench.

His whole self was covered in bundles

Of blue plastic tarp- wrapped belongings.

Sleeping bag, blanket, sundries.

Each carefully placed around him

Creating a weighted balance.

He looked weary

And pulled in like a turtle.

I said: “Are you staying warm?”

I didn’t listen closely enough

To what he said

Because I wanted it to be

What I wanted it to be.

The elevator took a really long time to come.

In hindsight it was surely God

Giving me extra time.

Waiting there for the elevator to open

We were silent.

My head was dropped a bit

Doing my own unconscious pulling in.

I didn’t think about him again

Until this morning.

I totally missed the holy man;

Hungry and defrosting

Sitting silently there with me.

The temperature outside was 15 degrees with wind.

The blue man was taking shelter there

Trying to stay alive

Within his challenges.

I could easily have bought him breakfast and a warm drink.

So easily.

But I didn’t even think of it.

And that is the thing that bothers me.

I missed the holy man completely.

Holy. Sacred.

Resting there

In his ordinary-ness.

This is the way we humans learn.

We carry on

Easy in our habits

Designed to prolong comfort

And assuage desires

Like a latte

Or post-holiday sales.

I could have done better.

Next time I hope I will.

Maybe I will see the holy man

(who is me)

(and you)

And I will recognize his need for comfort.

I will ease his suffering if I can.

This is how we learn;

We triumph

By failing first.

Then we rise up

All ash-covered like a phoenix

And trundle on

With wider eyes

And stretch marks on our hearts.

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Happy New Year to the sacred in and amongst us. xxxx

Christmas Eve

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It is Christmas eve and I am longing for a star to follow.

BEHOLD!

A STAR!

I wrap up my Emma in a soft cloth

And sling her over my shoulder

To keep her delicate paws off the pesky desert sand.

This would have to be in dreamtime as wheelchairs don’t negotiate desert terrain well.

The mysterious glitter of the bright spot in the sky

Wakes up my heart

To Hope. Adventure!

I pack up my beloved (with 3 NATURE’S VALLEY granola bars for me and Emmas’ freeze- dried treats made with wild boar) and just skedaddle.

It is very dark

But we are not scared.

I see a guy over there in the shadows.

His name is Elon Musk, he says.

“Come with us!” I say. We are following a star.

“Ok” Elon says.

Silently we walk on.

About another mile or so there is another man we meet and before I see him clearly I recognize the voice to be David Attenborough! OMG!!!

He slides in next to us as we walk.

Later that night the bartender from my favorite haunt appears

As well as my third grade teacher

And the homeless woman who is so skittish

And Roseanne, who comes to help me each day.

Ellen Degeneres, Kourtney Kardashian, Anderson Cooper and a weary little boy fighting cancer all join our little parade.

I wish Oprah would show.

The star seems to get brighter and brighter as the night goes on

And our eager group grows to include millions of folks from every walk of life.

We all walk in silence. For hours and hours.

A slight sliver of dawn light appears.

That which we seek is near! Our breathing quickens.

We crest a huge hill.

There sits a small brown box.

Nothing else.

Nothing else at all.

A box.

Just a little bit disappointed at this anti-climactic finale

With a sigh I plop down in the sand and all the people in our caravan form a half circle around me looking over my shoulder as I borrow a knife and begin to open the box.

The gaining dawn is so quiet we can hear the grains of sand skip across with the slightest breeze.

There in the box I find

AN ECHO SMART SPEAKER!!

In shock I say “ALEXA!!! What are you doing all the way out here?”

“You all put in quite a night of travel with hope in your hearts for something magical..even sacred to lift you from your human condition of suffering. All you needed to do was look at who walked beside you, connect with them by way of a slight touch, smile or conversation and if patient enough you just might get the gold. What you seek is right here, in you, near you always. You needn’t work so very hard my darlings.”

Well…now what are we supposed to do, I thought..

I’m so tired and a little cranky after all that.

We turned around and there in front of us was a MARGARITA BAR!

Everyone just bee-lined over there and began sharing stories, memories, math equations, lipstick, tamale recipes, bad jokes, binge-watchable tv, prayers, medicines, inventions, poems and songs and personal trainers..

The bright starlight we followed seemed now to be suddenly swimming in each others’ eyes.

The distance between us was easy and soft.

So much light..

So much light

To find our way home.

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(I apologize if any of you found this sacrilege.)

Dude..I Been Through Some Shit

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Last night I got so friggin’ sick of myself that I had to raise my frequency right quick.

I went directly for the sassiest red lipstick I have and applied with a brush (this method takes more time and signifies some adventure of note is about to take place.)

Keep in mind my Michigander roots embrace anything that feels like “weather” with a weird kind of anticipatory glee..

It was really cold last night but a sparkly, deep and dry cold with no wind.

I bundled Emma and myself up so we looked incredibly well put together in our winter wear, locked the door behind us and headed out.

I love how I can entertain myself out of depression by creating an event.

We headed downtown in search of Christmas lights; my red safety flashers creating a pink pool of light behind my wheelchair.

It was late-ish and little was open so we headed to a favorite hotel bar I knew to be cozy with a real fire and decorated lavishly for the season. A single woman never feels weird in a hotel bar and often Emma provides an easy conversational entry should I be inclined. Last night was just for us though.

Emma and I sat there quietly for over an hour soothed by the fire and a lovely glass of red wine.

It is too laborious for me to remove all my outerwear when in a restaurant and I am pretty heat tolerant so I sat there still bundled, sinking into thoughts of my rich life.

My sister tells me she is amazed by my resilience.

I am too truth be told.

Suffering can be an end-point or an impetus.

Some people make a religion out of it.

Granted, hardship is a way to connect; we all experience it to varying degrees. There will always be someone in agreement with how hard life is.

What we do with our suffering determines our state of being and quality of life.

If suffering is a constant companion there exists the danger of becoming too familiar with that frequency and settling in for the ride.

In the distant past when I attended support groups I found attendees comfortable in the habit of suffering.

I am fortunate to love my own company and be more interested in creating my own entertainment when need be.

Shifting my frequency ever higher on the spectrum is a skill I practice as my best medicine. I began learning about this in practical ways from this book:
Power vs. Force by David Hawkins.

In Dr. Hawkin’s work the example I gave above had me moving from the stasis of APATHY up the frequency ladder to COURAGE as I took action.

Here is a good beginning entry into his work.

Can -You -Copia?

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What is a cornucopia anyway?

This is my Thanksgiving morning conundrum.

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cor·nu·co·pi·a

noun
a symbol of plenty consisting of a goat’s horn overflowing with flowers, fruit, and corn.
an ornamental container shaped like a goat’s horn.
an abundant supply of good things of a specified kind.
“the festival offers a cornucopia of pleasures”
synonyms: an abundance, a profusion, a plentifulness, a profuseness, a copiousness, an amplitude, a lavishness, a bountifulness, a bounty

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Following a weird but vivid dream I was prompted to ask a friend if I had ever disappointed him in the past in a big way he might never have told me.

His answer really isn’t the point though..

Not one of us can claim never to have initiated disappointment in another…duh…

Many folks who love me look at my life and wish I had an easier ride.

If my life had not included a narcissist mother, alcoholic father, divorce, rape, illness, blah..blah..blah..

Would it have been “better”?

Easier, by god yes indeed..

But better?

We each have our laundry lists of suffering..some seeming more dramatic than others

But suffering is suffering.

If I had had an easier ride would I have disappointed fewer people because of less drama? Would I have had more of my wits about me to conjure less hurtful, unconscious behavior ?

What IS a good life anyway?

My definition is this:

A GOOD LIFE IS MADE BY AMPLIFYING THE GOOD.

This morning’s example is this: Petting Emma’s neck I have a wave of tidal love recognizing the fragility, strength, soft and noble beauty I have snoring on my lap.

I am being my own horn of plenty;

With my breath I blow the awareness

“I CREATE MY LIFE”

Into the thing

And the tears turn to diamonds

Because I say so.

(Sometimes it takes some heavy breathing..just FYI.)

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I give thanks to you, my dear readers who give me the gift of witness. You keep me real. xxx

Rollabout

detail “BLACK FOREST”, 2009, ceramic, sand, wood, 8’l x 18″h x 38″w

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HALF

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Half brittle
Half dampened yellow leaving leaves
Laid down
Under my half worn
Tires
Half-way
Downtown
This morning.

A half-grey sky
Spit half snow
And some rain
Onto Emma and me
As we cruised
At full speed
Dressed for the bitter
Except for mittens.

There were no croissants
And half-glad
I read my magazine
Half-judging
New mothers
Allowing
New humans
Full access
To the dirty floor
Of the coffeeshop.

Emma was half content
When we sped home
Before she was ready.
I was too cold
And half-assedly
Swore into the full headwind
Making sure
I pulled it completely together
Before crossing the street.

Barely just inside
My apartment door
Emma and I just sat there
Fully winter-clad
Still.
Silently, we waited five minutes;
Both heads half-mast
Waiting quietly
To de-frost.

You wouldn’t think
A day like today
Merited the label
“HALF FULL”
Would you?
However,
I am a fine specimen
Of full-on Michigander
And I say it is so.
Half in jest.

-CA 2018

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Cheer Up

“MOON” 5×3,painted wool flannel

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“Be of good cheer.”

A common greeting for the holidays we are about to enter.

It seems like this year something other may be called for?

Just the word “cheer” sets me on edge somehow.

Please don’t stop reading here as I promise this is anything but a depressing post…!

A girlfriend of mine recently posted something on Facebook revealing her mood which included tinges of grief, some ennui, immense gratitude and, what I felt was a lovely recounting of her early morning prayer/meditation peace and quiet.

She goes up on her roof each morning in the hill country of Texas with her cup of coffee and peruses the world; her inner one and the outer as well.

Someone on Facebook left her a comment: “I wish I could cheer you up.”

My friend reassured her that she had spent a perfect and peaceful morning thoroughly enjoying the quiet, contemplative time she had gifted herself.

Is it better to be of good cheer?

Maybe the friend would have felt easier in her bones if she witnessed an abject display of wide smiling, false-fineness and presumptive communion; common faces of holiday cheer.

My point here is that authenticity is a true gift we can give ourselves and one another particularly this year.

This holiday season feels more potent in a pagan sort of way.

“On every world, wherever people are, in the deepest part of the winter, at the exact mid-point, everybody stops and turns and hugs, as if to say, well done. Well done, everyone. We’re halfway out of the dark. ”
-unknown

The mysteries of the Dark, the preciousness of Light, the bitter chill inviting us indoors to sit close to those we love warmed by fire.

Quiet, stillness, gratitude, reflection, Nature sounds and smells, recognition of our needs being met and extension of loving care to those not so fortunate…

In this season these are the things that enrich my soul.

From the outside there may be no perceivable “tell”.

Innocent Eye

Emma is on my lap.

Snoring.

A violet, chilly sky

Leaves goosebumps on my tan arm.

Across the restaurant

Women of an age

Are laughing.

Lovely in beige sweater sets,

Iced pink lipstick

And martinis.

Businessmen near me

Are bored

With each other,

Waiting to go home.

The leather and silver bracelet

My sister gave me

Closes with a magnet.

It is likely

She paid more for that

Knowing my one-armed challenge.

I feel loved

Each moment

I notice it

On my wrist.

Emma just had dinner.

She skirted her pill.

As usual.

All she seems to want

Is to be with me.

If I lived with a man

Who had his eye on me

At all times

Like Emma does

I might stab him.

But I adore Emma’s looking.

My life is full of love.

It is there because I see it as such.

I am a professional voyeur.

My awareness meanders

And I linger on a neighbors’ call

Across the parking lot:

“Be safe!”

Or the pansies

My sister planted for me

When she visited.

Love is everywhere

If I keep an innocent eye.

A soft eye..

Not an expectant eye

But one easy to surprise.

The Edge of Empathy

I’ve come to understand that feeling empathy is a true luxury.

It seems like it should be a given that those with tender hearts should always have the ability to feel into another’s humanity.

The game changer is pain;

Any kind of pain; emotional, physical or spiritual.

Becoming intimate with physical pain over the last 6 months

A monstrous myopia repeatedly comes calling as an uninvited guest.

MYOPIA-
Definition of myopia
: a lack of foresight or discernment : a narrow view of something

I am an Aquarian soul with a penchant for depth and width and undying curiosity as a rule.

As an artist, space and freedom of movement in my mind-scape have been crucial to my evolution.

Pain is confining

And shrinks my heart’s capacity.

I hate having all my attention on myself.

But it’s hard to re-direct the grip of contraction.

The fact that I am just now learning about the unwelcome effects of living inside this confounded contraction

Says a great deal about growing up in the 1%.

Affluence buffers one from the lion’s share of suffering in most cases.

So the luxury of empathy for others is truly a gift

We, the privileged are blessed to extend

When we find so much extra energy left over after we do what we need to do making a life.

I think there may be much wisdom for me scuttling around in the shadows of this newly contracted life I am visiting for the moment.

I want so much to say: “Shooo! Get along with you now! You are not welcome here! BE GONE!”

But I can’t.

I will bow my head and learn whatever fucking thing I am supposed to learn.

It likely has something to do with putting my own needs above others.

(Oh yeah…that again…) 🙂

I Bit the Hook

ceramic,7x4x1/2″

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I went down the rabbit hole in conversation with a person close to me with differing political views.

I knew this was unproductive from the start and staved it off a bit

But entered the fray anyway.

It feels embarrassing to witness my unchecked little self.

The tsunami of desperately needing someone to understand my truth

And value it

Was a force

I did not understand as ego.

Such wasted energy in the end.

I do not have the skill of detachment in this political clime.

Putting my precious life-force toward pieces of the pie where I can actually make a difference is my direction for today.

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“….we grab at pleasure and try to avoid pain, but despite our efforts, we’re always alternating between the two. Under the illusion that experiencing constant security and well-being is the ideal state, we do all sorts of things to try to achieve it: eat, drink, drug, work too hard, spend hours online or watching TV. But somehow we never quite achieve the state of unwavering satisfaction we’re seeking. At times we feel good: physically nothing hurts, and mentally all’s well. Then it changes, and we’re hit with physical pain or mental anguish. I imagine it would even be possible to chart how pleasure and pain alternate in our lives, hour by hour, day after day, year in and year out, first one and then the other predominating.

But it’s not impermanence per se, or even knowing we’re going to die, that is the cause of our suffering, the Buddha taught. Rather, it’s our resistance to the fundamental uncertainty of our situation. Our discomfort arises from all of our effort to put ground under our feet, to realize our dream of constant okayness. When we resist change, it’s called suffering. But when we can completely let go and not struggle against it, when we can embrace the groundlessness of our situation and relax into its dynamic quality, that’s called enlightenment, or awakening to our true nature, to our fundamental goodness. Another word for this is freedom—freedom from struggling against the fundamental ambiguity of being human.”

-from LIVING BEAUTIFULLY WITH UNCERTAINTY, by Pema Chodron

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Oh my god….Where is God?

best photo I ever took (says me..)

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Acck!!!! The world is a mess!

It always was actually but these days feel so raw and gruesomely change-filled and my person-hood is bruised and bereft.

Oh my god. Where are You?

What is a spiritual life anyway?

For me- valuable spiritual work is about sometimes undoing and unloading the mind rather than its continual enrichment.

Creating space rather than filling it.

Getting quiet instead of adding to inane conversation.

Saying “I don’t know” when I don’t.

When desire rules my senses..give something to another.

Recognize humility and vulnerability as exalted states.

Live as an inter-dependent human.

Respect Life. ALL Life.

Protect and support the weak, small, infirm.

Find space more interesting than form.

Beware of too comfortable a life.

Learn and claim my worth.

Keep working to exercise and refine my “voice”.

Try not to leave appreciation unexpressed.

Find Beauty in every thing…EVERY thing. Yes, even that.

Recognize when I am triggered by something or someone it usually means something in me needs healing.

Guilt, blame, shame are impotent uses of my energy.

Doing what I can to raise my frequency as a human is the most productive thing I know to do.

Remember that Love is a state of being and not a feeling. Do all I can to get there and stay there.

Because that is God to me.

So Much Isn’t a Problem

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It’s weird that grappling with health gone awry or the nauseating politics of the day

Scratches the same strange itch;

The one that says we are better for being in the fight.

The horrible pseudo-holiness sewn into feelings of self-worth

Stemming from actively participating in the fray

As opposed to very quietly witnessing

Seduces us.

The adrenaline rush of acute pain

And screeching disbelief in flawed human behavior on display of late

Feel similar.

Are we really better for being in the fight?

Reading about it, talking about it, going to every doctor, taking every new pill

Or is there more potency in just the recognition of WHAT IS

FOR THE MOMENT

And using our own finite energy reserves

To attempt just a tidbit of elevation

Of our own personal energy frequency;

Maybe lift ourselves up a tad

Out of the mud.

Love ourselves enough not to succumb

To the lowest common denominator

As tempting to our nervous system

Out of habit

As this inclination may be.

Today I will practice

Not involving myself so much in the dramas of the day in my body and in the world.

I will trust in the intelligence I understand to be

So much larger than me

And use any extra energy I have

To keep myself uplifted

And through this state

Perhaps be of service to others.

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