Choice

Untitled, 1998<br> 14" x 4" <br> Media: ceramic

Untitled, 1998 14" x 4" Media: ceramic

Joseph Campbell says: “The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are.”   When I first read that I thought it sounded smart and I wanted to take it on as a belief.  In the ensuing years I realized the only way for me know who I am was to start from the place of NOT knowing.  I gave up the stand of ‘knowing what I know’ and softened into ‘I don’t know’.

I have really performed my way through life.  I honed people-pleasing skills and made sure you could take me anywhere. I practiced reading other people’s energy and could sense a good deal of the time what they might be missing and created an intricate and carefully crafted identity based on giving it to them.  I felt a seductive sense of power.  I could shift someone’s energy tone by making adjustments to my own.  Heady stuff but at the time it felt almost holy as I made myself indispensable (my take on it). I had created my own sense of belonging and skewed idea of service.  I felt I had purpose.

When I began experiencing a number of MS symptoms like extreme fatigue, stumbling as I walked and digestion problems, fear came calling…  I actually felt my heart stinging.  When I approached reaching one of many ‘bottoms’ and let myself sob it out, a softness always came.  I heaved sighs of relief at the lightness that came from letting go of some of my pretense.  I began to feel my body in a less armored way and realized that if I were to survive this challenge, my decisions would have to start coming from my own truth as it revealed itself and not the promise of an ‘if only’ connection I often tried to make with people to assuage the existential loneliness we all know well.  I realized I really liked my own company and would start my healing with the knowledge that I have a right to be; just as I am without working so hard at being charming or a ‘feel good experience’ for people.  I began to find myself utterly intriguing.

On this journey toward wholeness, I gather my tribe.  Since I am no longer out there trolling for those invested in complaints and shared wounding, I have alot more energy.  I am a beginner at this but each time I choose what or who I feel like I can have a mutually beneficial relationship with, my tank gets filled and occasionally I even have a little left over to spread around.  I am continually returning to the act of sorting through what works for me and what doesn’t.  This means food, relationships, supplements, clothes, ideas, art materials, aesthetics and scheduling my life.  As I change those around me have to as well.  I pray I continue to have the courage to be less attached to what I know and open into the mystery of it all.

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One Response to “Choice”

  1. Keek on May 5th, 2009

    Thank you ..
    xo

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