Having

Tree of Life, 1993<br> 30" x 18" x 3"<br> Media: ceramic

Tree of Life, 1993 30" x 18" x 3" Media: ceramic

Today I did an experiment. I wanted to see if I could stay centered all day in the feeling of ‘havingness’. This is different than ‘everything’s OK’. It’s more like the slow drip of nectar into the body, muscles, nerves, organs, heart and mind from a small straw at the top of the head. I wanted to see if I could somehow reverse this feeling I’ve had of losing ground.

I have so many stellar guides and wayshowers along this path; physical therapists, pilates instructor, apitherapist (bee venom therapy), nutritionist, doctors, chiropracter and therapists among them. All this energy moving outside myself to keep afloat and heal. I want someone to FIX ME! I want that other me who had enough energy to get a pedicure or give beautiful dinner parties for my friends. What if the answer is not ‘out there?’

Yesterday I visited a fellow artist at his studio. My balance has been so poor lately. I stumbled and grabbed his outstretched arm. We walked together slowly and comfortably over the gravel and through his door. It was natural, strong, compassionate, and easy to reach for and receive his support. I felt strangely whole. We were both enriched by those few intimate moments though we didn’t speak of it. Sometimes I thing independence is highly overrated. It scares me to write this sentence but it often seems the more I lose, the more I have. This pesky ego just doesn’t want to lie down.

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