The Brightness

1985   textile design    pigment on wool

1985, Â Â textile design, Â Â Â pigment on wool

 

The river yesterday ran muddy and full.   After the rain and clouds moved over the brightness took my breath away.  Electric blue sky, impossibly scented air and everything abandoned to the opening after the long grey.  I took my blanket and laid it in the damp and yellow drying grasses;  near enough to the water to see a grandmother and young girl hand in hand happily walking the riverbed up to their knees. They saw me and turned around.  I was glad they guarded their time together like that.

I let the sun have me.  Too long, it seems, as when I tried to get up,  I couldn’t.

My legs and arms were weak and rubbery;  disobedient and foreign.

MS and heat just don’t do well together but sometimes my brain just has selective listening to it’s archives.

What to do?

First, let’s try talking to ourself:  “Cathy, you can do this.   What the hell is happening to me?  There is NOTHING about this that I recognize.  Try again..  Nope.  Not working.”

My knees are muddy from trying to solve the puzzle of standing up with no support.

OK..  I laugh… I LAUGH!  What else is there to do?

Interestingly, the laughing releases some of the panic and muscle constraint and I am vertical; dirty and vertical.

Actually,  what I took away from that day was gratitude for the undeniable changeability of it all..  mood, weather, muscle capacity..   it really is the only thing we can count on..  The only thing.

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