Fear

 

detail of ceramic bowl,   1999,  14"h x 16"d

detail of ceramic bowl, 1999, 14"h x 16"d

 

My God…  friends are getting divorced and rushing at it in uncivil and unkind ways,  people are losing their jobs and homes and perceived fortunes,  there is unexplained illness and general alarm stalking us all…

What is this upheaval all about?

My reaction to all this seems just slightly heretical.  My sense is it is all good.  Yes,  it feels baaaaadddddd….  But I still think it is good.

Good for us to give ourselves, our culture,  our chosen gods over to disintegration.   A clean sweep is what’s called for here,  it seems.  We need this kick in the butt to rearrange ourselves,  our precious chosen identities,  beliefs,  relationships and ways of being and doing.  Ways of eating and working and relating and thinking.   It just ain’t workin’ no more…   We’ve got new job descriptions coming in the mail.  The earth is shaking and boiling and the atmosphere charged with that acrid green scent right before a huge electric storm and we are all trying to make our way to the mailbox,  gingerly edging our way around ground fissures.

The weird thing about this is that I know we’re all just fine.  Even though my right foot curls under itself,  my hand turns blue and I can barely put my leg through my trousers,  I’m FINE.   Isn’t that the weirdest thing?   My friends divorce acrimoniously, every state is going broke and we’re just fine.

Over the years,  many people have responded to my artwork such as the one above as  ‘scary’.  I took offense for awhile then I realized they were reacting to the shadow which always seems to make itself known in each piece I create;  sometimes more overtly  than others.   When I work,  I never really DECIDE what a piece will be.  I let it have it’s own life because then it can teach me.

The piece above was like a meditation to make.   One form made over and over and over and pressed into the bowl-shape.  When it was finished,  I wondered who the girl was who created that thing?   Over time I have come to see it as a visual representation of the discrimination and innate protectionism I have always had very active in me.  Something like the very soft, vulnerable heart of the artichoke. Takes a little work to get there but well worth the effort.

I really have the sense we are all being asked to allow that vulnerable,  pure and true heart to be more accessible to ourselves and each other. In the way of healing in my life it looks like making sure I connect,  like through this blog,  or out in the world in small ways like holding someone’s eye a nano-second longer in gratitude as a door is opened for me.  A general softening out of the ‘I AM AN ISLAND’ thing…

The discomfort,  irritation and madness of change is horrifying.   I have the graduate course in that going on,  here in my body.   I AM afraid. But just to the side of that fear is a strange sort of peace.   I just have to keep reminding myself that it is right and good that I have no idea what this is all about;  in the world or here in my sweet body.. .and just trust in the knowledge that nothing new can be born without something else giving way..

The CREATION/DESTRUCTION  myth is my dance partner and I am wearing my best perfume.

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