Instinct

"YES",  6'x50",  1999,  m/m

"YES", Â 6'x50", Â 1999, Â m/m

 

I’ve made this month about looking into what integrity actually is for me.

My body feels like it is ‘dis- INTEGRATING’.  To integrate means to make whole, complete, join.

If I clean up corners of my life that are out-of-integrity,  does my body respond to these changes in any way?

Where does the word ‘INSTINCT’ fit in here?

When I look at my life,  I see the glaring places where I AM out of integrity:   money situations, dealings with family and others,  not doing what I said I would do.   I want these shadowy corners clean so I have room to move; psychically and physically.

But that doesn’t address the word, INSTINCT.

I realized yesterday,  on a fairly profound level, that I have had most of the pure and fierce,  undomesticated instinct culturally bred out of me.

What I’m talking about is that ire that rises up when we witness a child being abused and the capacity to strip ourselves of any and all identity we cling to kicks in and we ACT!

We act from our core of goodness and we don’t act alone because someTHING lends us a hand.

What I’m looking at today is reclaiming that instinctual behavior on a very personal level.   In what situations do I water down my instincts to ‘make nice’?  Where do I not act when my instinct tells me something different?  I’m beginning to see where this happens in my diet,  how I go through my day and most interesting to me;   my relationship to Spirit.   There is a WHOLE language I INSTINCTUALLY know but am lending a blind ear to.  This makes me laugh because If you asked me,  I’d tell you you’d be hard pressed to find someone who cared more about her relationship to something larger than herself.  But caring is different than LIVING INSIDE SPIRIT.   I want that.

I am just going to see if I turn my carefully constructed self inside out and expose that girl in trust to the brilliant information that is patiently waiting outside my skin;  I’ll see if that softening and willingness in myself gives me more strength to walk.

Please forgive me if I can’t find just the right words as I begin thinking about things in a different way.   Maybe the word part will reflect some of it’s own integration as I listen to my instincts,  seemingly  hushed as they may be.

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