Promise

 

"BRANCH",  2002,  40"x30",  m/m

"BRANCH", 2002, 40"x30", m/m

 

Funny.. (sort of) that yesterday began with such promise and turned into something well..  I guess I’d say;  ‘other than that.’

I went riding and wore black.  It was hot. Very hot.

Heat is one nemesis of MS.

Midway out I began to lose feeling in my right side and couldn’t grip either the rein nor the saddle on that side.  I was slipping to the left in a big way.   By the time I got back,  I could barely get off the horse.

The slow tears started their way down my cheek and I couldn’t hide..

What I was met with was pure kindness..

Carlos,  the main ranch man,  took off my hat and wiped away my tears.   He looked me in the eye and told me a funny story about taking women out to a romantic place for dinner and having to pull out a flashlight to see the menu and how his body disobeys him sometimes and just won’t get with the program.  He wanted to make sure I knew I was not alone in my challenges.  It was just what I needed in that moment.

The kindness of everyone there,  down to the big,  black lab,  Midnight,  left me less frustrated at my loss of function and my vulnerability.

I don’t want to falter.   I don’t want to have people see me falter.

Why the hell not?

Does it make me less than perfect?

The great people I rode with seemed to like having me there.   We were all doing the same thing-   letting the  ‘too fast,  too much,  too peopled,  too noisy,  too uncivil world behind for just an hour.   We opened ourselves up to that ever-present thing that is bigger than us,  that heals all our woes and emptiness by just being there and letting us see her;  NATURE in her best dress.  So beautiful that we get amnesia and let ourselves be taken..  taken just one step sideways where broken and tired bodies are moot points and all we care about is how She holds our heart in Her hand and wipes away all the tears we’ve ever cried.

So-  that’s what I was left with after yesterday’s segue from ; ‘This is going to be a GREAT day.  I can just feel it.”
To-  ‘Oh my God..  I don’t think I can stay on this horse.”

Just one tiny step to the side of terror,  frustration and helpless feelings are the kindness and acceptance and heal-all salve of fellow humans who will show you your innate perfection when you need to be reminded most.   And NATURE..  her door is always open for us to remember ourselves beyond the grit and grace of our pesky humanness.

Today,  I’m just taking a deep breath.

comments

Leave a Reply