Protection

"SHIELD",   2004,   14" x 6" x 2",  ceramic

"SHIELD", 2004, 14" x 6" x 2", ceramic

 

I talk alot about becoming softer and leaving my ancient armoring behind.

When the goal,  as for me,  is moving in the direction of that heart-of-the-artichoke I spoke of yesterday;  that impossibly young and tender green can’t seem to exist without the protection of all the leaves that come before..

I am a woman who wants to see the best in people.   When I meet you I can usually sense your core of goodness.   The trouble is that often, just because I have the capacity to experience the presence of that thing,  it often is not actualized in a person.   I get in trouble because I tell myself stories that it is.

So…  I leave myself open..  open to the disappointment and grief that come with the realization that the circle cannot complete in a relationship because I practiced selective awareness-  meaning I saw what I wanted to see.

I have spent a lifetime as a sieve.. .leaking my own precious energy out into the world.   I know now that this quality of mine comes from a severe sense of lack.. .what I call  ‘not knowing how to get to the well’.

Now I know the value of my essential self.   I have become rigorously selective.   Sometimes it feels bitchy.   But really,  it’s just how change happens,  I think..  The pendulum swings ALL THE WAY OVER and things look messy and chaotic for awhile until it returns to a place of perfect economy and grace.

The grace I now experience occasionally is earned.  It comes from the rigor of looking at not what I WANT but what IS..
I have to step outside myself to see this subjective point-of-view.

In lieu of  ‘armoring-up’  all over again to gain a modicum of even a false sense of security,  I am on my knees in gratitude that I have done the work it has taken for me to approach the sense of feeling SAFE.   Not safe FROM something but safe IN the knowledge and sense of what it feels like to be in the river of life and open to the wisdom available to all of us,  just one step to the side of the carefully constructed personality we love so much.

I’m bored with my personality.  I like it and it serves me really well but I want the thing that is on the other side of what I know.

My challenge with MS is my task master in getting me there.   I HAVE TO OPEN TO SOMETHING NEW  (or crawl in a closet and die..)    NO!   LIFE IS CALLING!  And I’m up for the trip because now I know that I DON’T KNOW.  I don’t know the way.  I don’t know the rules.   I don’t know the moves.   All I know is that I don’t know.

And that leaves plenty of room for miracles.

comments

2 Responses to “Protection”

  1. Adele Rosen on July 8th, 2009

    Cathy,
    Keek has been asking me to go onto your website for awhile…….
    You blow me away….you are so beautiful…
    I am touched so deeply…and feel so connected…..
    You help my tears flow from my heart…
    Thank you Thank you Thank you
    xxxxx
    Adele

  2. Adele Rosen on July 8th, 2009

    surrender is the only protection….isn’t it

    thank you for touching my soul

    xxxxx

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