"SOME WOMEN ACTING KINDOF SASSY",  2004,  36"X 50", m/m



I set the table for my dinner party the other night with white linen,  white flowers in tiny vases all down the center of the table,  candles and a hundred chips of mirror sprinkled throughout.    The whole effect was very white and shimmery; bordering on wedding-like but I just let it be because it made me feel good.

I have not had enough energy or the impetus to give a dinner for two years at least.  It is a fine sign indeed, that the evening even happened.

I am so watchful as I heal,  of the experiences and people I invite into my inner circle.  I want nothing that does not contribute to a thriving life.    For someone not dealing with a challenging body,   this attitude could sound juvenile and ‘pie-in-the-sky’.    After all – aren’t we supposed to suffer through and hold our heads up high with the pride of an ancestral value system that is so ingrained in us that it feels irresponsible when it gets the boot?

I invited 7 people because those were the people I wanted to be around;  no ‘duty invitations’,   just pure and selfish enjoyment on my part.  I made the main dish and asked others to bring salad,  dessert,  etc.    Right there, the scent of guilt peeked around the corner because asking people to bring things signifies NEED….  In my family,   we were supposed to be seem as capable,   energetic,   charming and well- heeled at all times.  NEVER EVER be caught needing anything.

Well,   the tribe I assembled around my table didn’t care what I wore;  only that I was happy.  I was.    Infinitely so.    Because I sat at a table of truth- tellers;  compassionate,  fun,  funny,  courageous,  naturally human in the best sense;  no performance and a respectful sense of something larger than themselves at work.

My tribe has certainly shifted in personalities,  number and values held over the last few years.  There is certainly grief in the witnessing of my boat pulling out of the harbor in search of new shores.  But today…   I am happy.    I feel healthy and at peace with my life,   my loves,  my choices.    When I was a teenager the thought of peace and serenity as values to shoot for was just plain laughable!    We wanted ECSTASY!  Full-tilt consciousness bloating;   electric and glittering.    Don’t get me wrong- I hunger for ecstatic,   heightened aliveness.  It just wears different clothes;  surprising me that they never seem to come from Saks Fifth Avenue and happen most often when I am in my own skin instead of hankering after another’s.


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