Control (Not)

 

I just have to laugh…..

The server I use crashed a couple days ago..

I’ve had no access to my blog until now and find that my ability to upload photos is just not in the program,  yet…

So,  we are IMAGE-FREE .. till we aren’t.

I watched my heartbeat become erratic and my usually contained state-of-being fraying at the edges as I negotiated the territory of:   “I WANT THIS BLOG BACK THE WAY IT WAS NOW!!!!!!!!!    AND I’M NOT KIDDING!

I NEED TO BE PROFESSIONAL AND DELIVER ON MY BLOG IN A WAY PEOPLE CAN COUNT ON!

I NEED TO WRITE AND FEEL CONNECTED!

OK…  let’s just calm down a bit here, Cath..

(talking to myself):  If you think about it,  isn’t this situation kindof like what is happening in your body?

I WANT to move with grace but my leg is not cooperating.  It behaves illogically and not a DAMN thing I can think or pray or conjure is gonna change that.

I drop a favorite hand-blown crystal bowl which shatters on the floor.

I have a million choices in that moment..

1. Clean it up while crying at my loss of the thing.

2. Clean it up and curse the fact it hurts to bend over,  my hand can’t grip the broom well,  I’m bone-tired ALREADY and here’s another THING to handle..

3. Clean it up while lamenting:  I’m alone and WHERE IS THE MAN TO HELP ME?

4. Be stoic and put the blinders on about the reality of my physicality changing..

5. Sing and make happy..

OR…………….

I could just pause..

And notice what’s on my plate in the moment.

Dial up the  ‘WITNESS CATHY’

And breathe.

Then,  when my heartbeat comes down from the cobwebs up in the rafters,  I could slowly do the cleanup thing in a less reactive state..   no future thinking;  (what if this new level of clumsiness is PERMANENT?)  or past ruminations:  (my body didn’t USED to be this unreliable!).   

Feels better and more true.

So,  I’m gonna take my own advice and just breathe and softly notice how I HATE BEING OUT OF CONTROL as I wait for my blog to resolve into the form I take creative and connective solace from…

And find a brand new favorite bowl to get pleasure out of..

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