Stormy Weather

HORIZON",  50" x 50",  1999,  m/m

HORIZON", 50" x 50", 1999, m/m

 

Goodness…. what a road I’m on..

Night before last I spent in the emergency veterinary clinic with my dog, Olivia.

She was looking for dark places in my home to nest.. away from me which was not like her.  Couldn’t jump up on the couch anymore.

She still wagged her tail on my approach but she felt feverish and wouldn’t eat.

My heart said not to wait till Monday to get her checked out so we left in the middle of the night for the clinic.

She is in liver failure.

Everyone in the clinic was in shock at this finding as Livvy was behaving like she had it somewhat together. (Sound familiar?)

They put her in isolation as there is concern over an infection she may have contacted from going to the prairie dog populated park we walk in.

Now, I know not everyone is a dog person so I’ve lost some of you already but this post is really about LOVE.

I never had kids by choice. Never was drawn to procreate. My art seemed to suffice.

Part of the reticence was surely due to concern I would screw the kids up coming from the atmosphere I grew up in.

I never wanted a dog. Ever.

Too much responsibility. Too much ‘other’ in my sacred space. Just TOO MUCH.

A trusted guide and mentor was after me for two full years to ‘get it’ that a human, such as myself, who registers the world so acutely needs to have ‘a familiar’ (she calls it) to connect with and know and be known by.

Livvy and I have had a year and a half together.

When I cry, she lays on my chest and looks me in the eye with sympathetic tears.

When I need space, she needs no prompting to find herself something to do.

When I come home, she dances on her two hind feet and smiles.

There’s much more but I’ll spare you…

I am aching for the strangeness, the needles, the isolation, the discomfort my dog is steeped in at the moment.

I will pick her up tonight and begin what may be goodbye.

I woke up this morning mad at God.

“How much more?” I think, am I supposed to manage here, in what, at times feels like this little life?

Of late, it feels like the gates are wide open to any and every thing;  thorny and unbidden.

And then I get this flash of:  OUR GREATEST GIFT IS FREE WILL AND CHOICE.

No matter what is served up at the table, we ALWAYS have the privilege of choosing our response..

Self pity?   Depression?  Addiction?   Forgiveness?   Defeat?   Courage?  Gratitude?

I am choosing love today. And gratitude. And tenderness toward a being I adore.

After writing this post, self pity has lost all it’s hold.

The “Why me?” question has, once again blessedly shifted toward a much richer landscape.

Thank God.

comments

One Response to “Stormy Weather”

  1. Marc (the Wheelchair Kamikaze) on August 31st, 2009

    Cathy, my thoughts are with you and Olivia. I am a dog person, and lost my beloved Labrador retriever Stella about 2 1/2 years ago. I still miss her every day.

    Dogs are good souls, very connected to the universe. I’ve rarely met a dog I didn’t like; people, not so much… I taught Stella a few stupid tricks, and in return she taught me about unconditional love and how to truly live in the moment. I dare say that I got the better of the deal…

    Hoping that Olivia and Cathy will continue to mentor each other for quite some time…

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