The Grit and Grace of Need

"BLOOM",  3' x 6',  1999,  m/m

"BLOOM", 4' x 8', 1999, m/m

 

I have absolutely STELLAR friends.

They are my tribe and non-blood family.

When I graduated from high school,  I won the award for most congenial and prettiest smile….

That was sort of weird because I never belonged to any clique and was a borderline juvenile delinquent.

I value relationship highly;  with people,  Nature,  God,  rocks and minerals, creatures and particularly with my Self.

I love my own company.

Thank God for that as I have spent a good deal of my life alone  (mostly by choice..)

I am an artist.  By nature,  I navigate worlds unnoticed or uninteresting to most.

This makes me sort of hard to be friends with,  at times.  Or to understand, at least.   I retreat for long periods or become distant in a myriad of ways all too easily mistaken as a personal affront.

But really,   these are my ways of saving myself.   I feel the world so deeply.  And I still take too much of it on myself.   When the load gets too heavy I pause to begin taking the weight I carry that isn’t mine , piece by piece, and put it down.

There are a few friends who have stayed the course with me.

I NEVER used to need much from others-  priding myself in weary  ‘independent-womanliness’.  How utterly BORING.

So here I am,  a woman with MS who now NEEDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am in that between state of hating the needing and weeping from the gratitude from the help I receive.

I have a couple friends in particular who I am  ‘letting’  help me.  They know me well and tread so lightly that I often don’t even know I’m saying yes to their offers to make life easier for me.

I could NOT do life without them.  They keep meeting the pathetic little fences I keep trying to throw up to keep my imaginary status quo intact, with love and persistence.

We all are waiting for me to  ‘get’  the reality of my decline.

These friends continue to hold my metaphysical hand while I adjust to the new deal.

This is all unknown territory and I am afraid.  And not.

I am afraid because I am not practiced at needing.

I am not afraid because I have recreated myself so many times in life.   Seems like I have the skill set to do it again.

I do know that my ticket to wholeness within this transition is TRANSPARENCY.

That’s where you come in…  a witness.

You help me make it real.

This is,  by no means,  a small service I speak of here…

And I thank you,  so very much.

comments

2 Responses to “The Grit and Grace of Need”

  1. Marc (the Wheelchair Kamikaze) on August 29th, 2009

    Cathy, very thoughtful post. Perhaps one of the lessons you are meant to learn on this journey is to accept your need to need, and to allow others inside the gates. As John Dunne wrote, ” No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main…”

  2. Sharon Rose on September 1st, 2009

    Dear Sweet Friend….It is an honor to witness your process, to walk this path with you…..your insights bring light ….courage and a big open heart space.

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