Bitchy Girl

totems

Yesterday, I spoke with the central guide and mentor in my life.

She said: “Cathy, you cannot just skip from pain to enlightenment..or, in other words; move from the challenges you face to taking the ‘high road’ in your attitude without getting your feet dirty in the disappointment and grief.”

She said her take on my current dive in energy and strength stemmed from not feeling the entirely human and horribly base emotions that go with the changes in my life.

I am, indeed, an optimist which I do not intend to give up but it is becoming clear that I have a backlog of disappointments I need to face down.

It was a four kleenex day in her office and so I was able to see the truth in her surmise that I am lending a blind eye to the hard stuff and skipping off toward the glittery road of denial.

Truth be told.. I am wearing my passive anger like a well-fitting trench coat from the new collections out of New York.

Had myself and probably a few others won over.

My homework is to make a list of the things that have disappointed me. I’ll start here with a few and see how this goes/feels:

1. After ALL the tests I had done at the Mayo Clinic, they neglected to tell me I had a urinary tract infection which I have been living with unawares for 4 months now.

2. I have spent ALL this energy and money on moving toward wholeness over the last 8 years and I continue to progress at even faster rates than ever before.

3. Friendships I counted on as safe places turned out not to be that.

4. My efforts following many peoples’ well meaning advice have produced few results.

5. I am disappointed in myself for not acting on some of the things one facing disability does automatically as far as governmental paperwork, legal counsel and left-brain activity in general.

6. I push through my loss of function like an armored car, refusing to pause and accept the reality of change. I am grief stricken at the loss of freedom.

7. I can’t do my art and I can’t cry about it yet.

8. I am, with many exceptions, deeply disappointed in the human races’ ability or interest in dealing with disability.

OK.. that’s about as far as I want to go on this topic today.. I’m watching myself just LIST this stuff but not FEEL it…yet.
Cathy’s ‘fine line’ has been reached for this morning. The question being: How MUCH can the girl get to while writing to her witnesses on the web??

I so appreciate the sort of cloistered feel of the confessional here, in my studio..

But one has got, at some point, to draw the curtain and walk/roll out there and just DEAL…

Thanks for listening and helping me get started on this..

comments

2 Responses to “Bitchy Girl”

  1. Julia on September 24th, 2009

    me too.
    I made up a flight of stairs yesterday to my beautiful jewelry studio. So many memories, forgotten projects, amazingly good starts. I finished a piece for a friend started 3 years ago. My back hurt, I left and am sad today. My friend will be happy to get her ring but I don’t know if that does it for me anymore.
    I admire your art and writing very much. Julia

  2. Cathy on September 24th, 2009

    Julia,
    Oh.. I could just picture you making the journey to all those treasures in the studio. Priorities shifting. Yuk..

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