Ride

detail of installation, 1990, 10' x 10', ceramic, coal, earth, leaf

detail of installation, 1990, 10' x 10', ceramic, coal, earth, leaf

The other day I took a trail ride in the morning after a rain.

The sandy arroyo was etched with layers of the heave of the rainwater.

It smelled new. Un-fussed-with.

The colors were yellow and violet.  Sand.  Blue sky.  No wind.

My friend Carlos and I talked. But Nature was very demanding.

She wanted to be seen. Smelled. Taken in.

Exactly like a lover not taking no for an answer.

She touched her finger behind our ears with her scent so we’d remember.

Yesterday, I went to my new favorite ‘non-victim’ MS support group.

We talked about keeping death on your shoulder as a friend, not the enemy.  No morbidity!

Just teaching us how to LIVE and perhaps die well. We’re bringing in a consultant to speak about power-of-attorney, estate stuff and essentially saying what we want IF.. and not lending a blind eye to the hard stuff.

Being compassionate with those we love and deciding for ourselves before we put them in the place of deciding for us. Interesting territory and important no matter who you are.. MS or no..

The conversation had the same ease as the one we had on our trail ride.

Funny.. I am attracting experiences in which I feel truly safe and good.  New for the girl.

I am NO LONGER A PERFORMER TRYING TO BE SOMETHING FOR YOU OR ANYONE.

So.. I am seeing I can choose well..choose differently.

Life has the scent of ESSENCE – cool, clean, unfettered, enticing, raw and slightly wild..

My skin feels different. My eyes are clear. I am ready.

Not always, mind you..

Sometimes I am dull. My body aches. I am weak. I retreat.

It is all the same; life on a tarnished silver platter.

My reflection is perfect in one light and distressed beyond recognition in another.

And what is the difference?

I think the eyes I see with..

yes..

the eyes have the last say, don’t they?

comments

One Response to “Ride”

  1. Bibliotekaren on September 30th, 2009

    Your post reminded me of how much I miss New Mexico.

    I commend you and your group for navigating the “what if” documents before what if happens. Prior to my brain surgery, it felt so wrong to be seeking calm and sending positive intentions out to the universe while simultaneously working on drafting my will, power of attorney and health care directives.

    I’m in awe that you’re no longer performing.

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