The Hand

"APPLES",  2001,  40" x 70", m/m

I’m just crammed with fear today.

Now that my dog has stepped away from death’s door a bit, I’m a mess.

Could be that thing that happens in relationship where one of you cracks a little and the others’ job is to hold it together..

Why does it seem we seldom get to skate these days?

I know it’s not just me.

Reminds me of poker.

I’ve always been so curious about the game tho I don’t know the first thing about playing.

It seems you are dealt a hand and you keep it secret while doing your damnedest to create a mystique around what cards you hold.

If you do this well, people seem to make up their own stories about whether your hand is good, great or empty.

You play off one another’s stories.

Alot like life. How my life used to be.

My hand is pretty out there for all to see, these days.

Today, I became just terrified at this level of vulnerability. I can’t hide. And I know how to do that so well!

As my body feels less and less like my own, I find I am conscious of what is REAL as opposed to a story.

I was thinking about connections I am making with people which hold a distinct quality of TRUTH or RIGHTNESS to them whether I have known the person for a moment, a week, am reading about them or never met them at all.

This doesn’t seem false to me because I am now playing my hand from the heart as best I can.

Said simply: I have no energy or interest in ‘playing’ my hand other than being VERY, VERY judicious whose table I pull my chair up to.

I no longer have to THINK too hard about the value of where I am drawn and to whom.

I trust my INSTINCT as it becomes wilder and less domesticated.

More the scent of MUSK rather than JOY perfume (fyi: sweet, sweet, SWEET)


One Response to “The Hand”

  1. marc on September 12th, 2009

    Cathy, just wanted to leave a note saying that your recent posts have been breathtaking, and leave me mesmerized. The pieces of art that you choose to accompany your words complement them perfectly.

    You’re doing some hard work now. Knowing the true self is one of the hardest endeavors one can undertake. Seems like you’re well on your way. Keep on keeping on, gradually the dawn will come…

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