The Radiance of Dissolution

untitled,  22" x 30",  1995,  monoprint

untitled, 22" x 30", 1995, monoprint

 

Sometimes, as has happened with my other art forms, some THING just ARRIVES and I’m not exactly sure what to make of it..

So it is with the title of this post.

I know I’m supposed to learn something when this happens to me, so I just dive in with the knowledge there is a strong chance I could make a complete fool of myself as I explore the foreign terrain.

Here goes:

My dog and I spent the day together. She seemed mostly herself but something is ‘off.’

She began vomiting occasionally tonight which is not a good sign. She’s done everything to hide it from me. Go outside in a far off corner and quickly cover it up and return wagging her tail eager for connection.

Today I seriously looked at my ability to drive and started worrying about my own and others’ safety.

I went to a support group and didn’t speak of that particular concern. Others, yes. But not that one. (Cover up)

Tonight, Livvy laid on my stomach as we watched a film together.

No movement on either of our parts. Just perfect stillness enjoying the simple pleasure of being together.

My body hurt. Her body hurt.

My heart was sore from worry.

I think she was just resting.

There was NOTHING OTHER, NOTHING EXTRA.

Just enough.

Just perfect.

For a couple hours I gave up any impetus to soldier through and just WAS.

Livvy did the same.

She may be dying.

I am dying to who I once was.

The thing that continues to amaze me is the ‘space’ (don’t know what to call it) BEHIND the suffering when I have the grace to access it..

The big giant fear always comes back when I segue back into the ‘what ifs’ and ‘what nows?’

What will it be like if Livvy dies?

What will my life be like if I can’t drive?

Not talking about lending a blind eye here..

Just devaluing the holy status we give the mind and kicking it down a notch or two.

Givin’ it a rest, too.

I’m pretty darn sure it’ll be there tomorrow.

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