Trust

detail, pigment on wool flannel

detail, pigment on wool flannel

I’m back to horseback riding now that it’s cooler.

It makes me happy.

Yesterday, I watched myself go back and forth between fear and trust on the horse’s back.

All I do so far is walk..I don’t want to trot or canter yet.

I had an affair once with a cowboy and we rode WILD down long arroyos (desert drainage ditches). I hadn’t a clue about how to ride well but that was way beside the point.

I was thrown one day. Very bad fall. It scared me. Never got back on.

Till NOW! And I am just resting in beginners mind.

I’m going to listen to how my body tolerates just so much trust and then it retreats into it’s cave.

This surely has to do with all the changes in my body and getting used to moving differently but it is more than that..

I really am an innocent in the world, after all the tossing aside of protective identities.

I see myself on top of this gorgeous horse riding next to my friend while we talk about interesting things and take in the landscape.

Everything feels right and good and allows me to sink into the microcosm of my precious body and check out the safety factor.
If I went faster at this point it might feel like I was too overstimulated like in a video arcade.

I’m not good at nor interested in multi-tasking these days.

I AM interested in leading an UNDEFENDED life and riding helps me do that. Perfect chance to feel the momentary shifts from trust and allowing to clutching and shut down.

Sensing these shifts on Apache’s back lets me have a more acute kind of consciousness out in the world.

Trust. Fear. Trust. Fear.

Open. Close. Open. Close.

Love.

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