Ducks in a Row

detail/ ceramic, canvas, m/m

detail/ ceramic, canvas, m/m

Part of the purpose in writing this blog is an effort toward TRANSPARENCY.

First, to myself; then to you as the gift of truth..

My family ever so lovingly came to visit me en mass a few months back.

We were all scared.

We all love each other very much but, as adults, are just now piecing together the skill and courage it takes to know one another for real after living in such a very screwed up family for so long.

We survived our shared childhood.  Just.

Part of how we did that was to scatter across the tundra as soon as possible in an effort to save ourselves.

For a long time, just proximity to one another reminded us of the untenable atmosphere of home so we just skirted the issue and made our own insular lives separate from one another.

We all love each other to the core but stutter toward any connection that resembles constancy.

We are surely a family and I am so very proud of my sister and brothers AND we are making this up as we go along in the arena of how to be together in our current sanity coming from the challenging environment we survived.

We each have extraordinary gifts; my sister happens to be the best mother I have ever encountered (go figure..). She creates glorious meals that would make Martha Stewart question herself in the privacy of her own home. I admire her steadiness. She is brilliant, funny and resourceful. My brother dreamed of becoming a pilot when very young. Against all odds (my mother) he achieved this dream and flys for Southwest with Captain status. He, also is an amazing father. My other brother makes me laugh like no one else. He has a weird and dry humor, is smart along with funny, ALSO a great father, loves his family fiercely and as an adult is pulling away from the gate at quite a clip in the ‘giant-hearted’ department.

As I am the eldest and there is a 5 year difference between my sister and me, we all grew up in very different families, perception-wise.

We each chose survival identities for ourselves.

Mine, I would describe as etheric and impractical.

I was interested in the ATMOSPHERE of a thing; not the mechanics of making a secure and good life.

My love was and is THE PRESENT MOMENT.

I envy my siblings because they seem to have ease and capability in the practical department. They actually have a working relationship with THE FUTURE.

I am smack in the middle of PRIMARY PROGRESSIVE MS and getting the wake-up call of a lifetime in the ‘how-to-create-a-safe-and-secure-life’ department.

This is truly not for the faint of heart and I would not recommend attempting this without a loving and patient partner but here I am…IN IT.

Facing myself. Blinders coming off.

It’s really pathetic that humans don’t often change until we get in enough pain.

This is messy, messy business.  Rich territory but gritty at best.

Sometimes I wonder if that, right there is the reason I’m in this conundrum with MS.. Is it some weird graduate course in CHANGE I signed up for in a previous lifetime?

My sister says I am resilient.

She told me that yesterday.

Somehow, that comment coming from her felt like a shimmering thread of hope and encouragement that yes, I am seen and I really think I have it in me to go the distance..


One Response to “Ducks in a Row”

  1. Bibliotekaren on October 14th, 2009

    Powerful post.

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