I Need Help

"CIRCLE", 1999, 30" x 4', m/m

"CIRCLE", 1999, 30" x 4', m/m

Those who know me are probably quite taken aback by seeing the title of this post.

Just writing it let’s me know how much I’ve changed.. am changing.

I AM NOT REALLY GOOD AT NEEDING HELP.

But there it is… I do.

Recently, I asked a really good friend if she would consider driving me up to Colorado (6 hours) to see a particular doctor I have an appointment with.

I need to be there M – TH so that means being gone 5 days.

I am well aware this is ALOT to ask of anyone yet I asked because I am required to go see two different people up there who have offices an hour apart and it became apparent that flying was not an option.

This dear friend said she was willing to go with me.

But I haven’t been quite able to trust her at her word that it is OK for her to take all this time out of her busy schedule with work.

I am sssssssoooooooo into her business here and can’t seem to release us both from my own projections as to why this accompanying me will be such a hardship for her.

And I’m pretty sure, given her druthers, she would be happy NOT to go..

But she said yes to going with me.

This kind of gift of time, care, compassion and effort directed toward my healing is the magnitude of something offered by a parent or a spouse.

I don’t have much (if any) recollection of being on the receiving end of this kind of ‘going-outside-your-comfort-zone-for-another’ kind of love from either my marriage or my childhood.

I could very well have my blinders on but I can’t recollect..

My whole being during childhood was couched with the flip side of this equation:

If I figured out what my parents wanted and needed and gave it to them then, in my wee mind, I might have a better chance of easing their existence and perhaps getting a taste of the protection and care I was due as a child.

But no… didn’t show up that way for me.

And so.. here I am as an adult having the treasured love-gift of time and effort from a good friend being offered me and it feels so new and different that I’m close to getting in there and fucking it up..

But I won’t.

Because I’m going to allow the gift of help being offered.

And practice expanding my armored and wary heart to let this in.

And she will probably have to tell me to shut up a few times as I remain in that place of grace called gratitude and insist on telling her.

How did it get so hard to love me?

I’m pretty sure it’s worth the effort, though, as there are miles and miles of uncharted territory beneath this veil I wear..

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