Fallout

textile design, silk, 1986

textile design, silk, 1986

My entire night last night was a battle in my sleep.

It seemed that everything I’ve left undone, said I would do and didn’t, disappointment I caused in a friend or family was up for review.

I was keenly aware that people probably feel they have to walk on eggshells around me.

They might feel there’s no room to be angry with me or make their true feelings known because I have MS and they think that should be enough and don’t want to load me up with more stress.

It’s something I have felt with others so I’m just aware the possibility exists here, with me.

I could easily go into shame about all the life left undone here.

In fact, I almost titled this post SHAME but thought better.

Living alone like I do has it’s positive points to be sure.

But it also contains the danger of leading a secret life.

I don’t have a partner to hold me accountable.

If I am too tired to do the dishes, I often don’t.. only to be ‘found out’ by an unexpected visitor.

My life has an odd flow to it.

I am often so tired that I don’t / can’t care about the life I’ve left undone.

That is a state I would wish on no one.

I awoke this morning wanting to make amends to all the friends and family who are on the other side of this illness and have to deal with broken promises, irritability, non-count-on-able me.

I am so very sorry for the fallout.

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