Gift of Sorts

detail of ceramic sculpture, 14" x 4" x 1"

detail of ceramic sculpture, 14" x 4" x 1"

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Yesterday, I went to have my leg brace adjusted and to pick up shoes I had ordered two months ago that would give me the support I need.

The leg contraption is so wide that regular shoes won’t accommodate it so we ordered a custom extra- wide right shoe.

I’ve been walking around with unzipped boots that feel unsafe and ugly.

Lots of my attention has been geared toward staying vertical.

When the guy opened the shoe box and pulled out the custom wide shoe, it was HUGE because of the added width and REALLY SHINY BLACK LEATHER.

Totally different than the other matte black leather it was supposed to match.

Water started pouring out of the corner of my eyes..

I tried to contain it but it just insisted.

All the tiredness I have been feeling being so careful as I walk and the dashed hope of new and relatively normal looking shoes lending me support just crossed the threshold into a ‘scene.’

I knew the guy helping me felt terrible and helpless and I started to backpedal and take care of HIM…

He left the room.

I let it rip.

He came back in.

I said: “These tears are not about you. I am tired. And disappointed. And really tired. So, don’t take it personally and just let me see the shoe catalog to pick out something else.”

Often times I have this set to my face that is between taking the high road and the sorrow of seemingly unending loss.

I see it in the mirror and it ages me.

When I came home, I looked in the mirror and saw a woman with a slightly puffy face but it was real.

I looked soft.

And spent.

And beautiful, I think.

The more I get real, the more transparent I seem to become.

It could be the new and free alternative to plastic surgery.

Shed a tear..lose a year..

Well, you know what I mean….

Have a safe Eve of the New Year.  See you then..

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