Sit Down

textile designs (shorts,top), silk, 1987

textile designs (shorts,top), silk, 1987

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Yesterday, I had a sobering appointment with a new physical therapist adept in working specifically with neurological issues.

I say sobering because I was able to see the weakness level in my body through another’s eyes.

It really did not match up with the story in my own head.

I have lost ALOT of function. Alot.

I could see the fear in the PT’s eyes.

It always shocks people a little bit to see a woman my age struggling to remain erect even holding onto a walker or turn from her back to her stomach on the table or, for God’s sake, put on her sock.

It all made me heave a big sigh…

Yes, everybody is always taken by my great attitude and I AM blessed to reside closer to hope than despair.

But it was only my dog in the car who saw me weep after that appointment.

It is time to sit down.

Time for the reality of adding more hardware to the litany of support apparatus in my stable here..

The wheelchair. The scooter.

My ego is cast iron.

I am vain and independent and stubborn.

We only change, it seems, when we get in enough pain or fear.

If I fall, I am in deep shit.

I love life too much to chance it.

I really have to laugh at how I write all the time about the unknown and how my creativity has allowed me to realize over these many years that it is that place.. the unknown.. that holds promise beyond anything we could EVER imagine.

And yet we cling to what we KNOW till our knuckles are positively RAW.

Essentially, I am pretty bored with what I know.

If I treat this transition like an adventure, I’ll be fine.

Better than fine.

Real. Supported. Secure. Curious. Real.

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