The Delicacy of Forgiveness

"FINE LINES", 1993, 30" x 22", monoprint

"FINE LINES", 1993, 30" x 22", monoprint

I am hard on myself.

Louise L. Hay, a forerunner in the alternative health realm, has a book where you look up a symptom or disease and you find Louise’s take on the emotional genesis of said symptom.

Under MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS it says:   “Mental hardness, hard-heartedness,iron will, inflexibility, fear.”

I don’t really relate to the hard-heartedness but the rest I can see in myself.

The affirmation that she gives is:   “I am safe and free.”

I can’t even relate to those words, actually.

So, I see I’ve got some work cut out for myself…

I never take what ANYONE says as the be-all / end-all.

But I look to see if there is some relevance for me there.

If I feel totally neutral and bored, I move on..

But if my attention is caught in some way, I try to stay with it and look to see if there is something for me there.

I don’t discount ANY messenger these days as I make my way through this health maze.

My true cutting edge seems to be forgiveness of myself these days.

Were I to describe the general tone of my beingness all these years it might be that I am a perpetual student of life.

There is a distinct difference between opening to guidance and learning,

And putting one’s self in ‘second seat’ as I call it.

The second seat has a general disregard for what I actually have first-hand knowledge of and positioning myself as the perpetual ‘gleaner-of-knowledge’

Instead of taking responsibility for actually ANCHORING my sense of knowingness and moving from that place with grace and assuredness.

In my upbringing, it was dangerous to call to much attention to one’s self.

This reticence is surely leftover from those days of cloaking myself in juvenile delinquency.

Take a depressed and dirty girl and let her loose in the forest and TRY to find her.

I’ve been disappearing most of my life in various ways.

It really took an ‘iron will’ as Louise L. Hay mentioned.

Now, I really think I’ll forgive myself the disappearing act and show up.

I still have one side of my body that works pretty well.

Others have done it on far less.

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