Anger

untitled, 1999, 40" x 30", m/m

untitled, 1999, 40\

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Yesterday was a day of hardware.

Wearing the brace on my leg has caused a quickening of muscle loss because I don’t have to use all of them.

I have a giant resin band-aid that I strap on to do the work for my atrophying muscles.

It does give me support which is really good.

But now I need a separate knee brace to alleviate the hyperextension in my leg.

All this ‘strapping on’ of stuff can be slightly daunting until it becomes a familiar part of the story.

Yesterday also brought my new scooter to my door.

It is twice the size I had imagined in my state of intermittent denial.

I really know it will allow me freedom and it goes pretty fast but REALLY!

ALL THIS HARDWARE IN ONE DAY?

Give a girl a break. (not literally)

Right at this moment I want to be Jewish and say words like ‘kvetch’ (?) and all those fabulously succinct and descriptive Hebrew words that are more about the sound and emotion of the thing.

But here I sit, a rather pathetic version this morning of your everyday WASP, bemoaning change and ugly disability hardware and vanity issues and I’m sure there’s other stuff in there too….

So thanks for listening but you are probably through..

As a parting gift in appreciation, I will leave you with this:

comments

4 Responses to “Anger”

  1. Lee on January 22nd, 2010

    I empathize with you on the “Too much Hardware” thing.
    And it’s a strange place for me to be, because normally I love “Gadgets” and “engineering”… but when those things come with a side order of bruised vanity, a little self pity, and a whole lot of “Where is THAT gonna fit?!?” it’s harder to love the gadgets.
    I’m 37. Don’t really know what’s wrong with me. Maybe Fibromyalgia. Maybe something else. I have a shower-seat now, and a “Rollator”. I’m getting a scooter soon, and REALLY looking forward to that, as even with the Rollator, I don’t have the energy to shop anywhere that doesn’t provide courtesy scooters anymore.
    Some days I see my gadgets as symbols of my increasing decrepitude.
    Some days I see them as liberators.
    Most days they’re just another tool… well, no, I’m not really there yet, but that’s where I’m trying to get, mentally.
    I have been following blog links today because I’m avoiding a decision about whether to use what energy I have today to clean up my house a little, or save that energy for cleaning my body. I can pick one, generally, but not both in one day. I’d rather read blogs than make up my mind, either way

    I saw your video linked at kamikazewheeelchair, I think.

    It was touching.

    And I loved the end – that you like this Cathy more than the one of 10 years ago. I’m glad you do. I remember feeling much the same way after a fire destroyed all my belongings once many years ago. It was devastating, but also liberating. I was able to “recreate” the reflection of my self that I put into my “stuff”. Now I find myself recreating myself yet again, and while I enjoy the process in a general way, I really prefer doing it on my own terms. Oh well, eh?

    Thanks for being there and putting your life on display as you have 🙂 It’s been a sort of encouragement and validation that I didn’t know I needed!

  2. Michelle Harris on January 22nd, 2010

    Aaaah … the hardware wars. Everything out there is so big and ugly and more than what you need. And you are small (and vain) and can envision a much better solution that would be exactly what you need but …. guess what? … they don’t make those!

  3. karen gordon on January 22nd, 2010

    cathy. your art is so beautiful, as are your words. your blog is simple and profound and i’m so pleased to have happened upon it. i am jewish, and as such i hereby grant you privileges to “kvetch” as much as you deem necessary. 🙂

    warmly,
    karen

  4. Lee on January 22nd, 2010

    LOL!!!

    Michelle, your words are all too cynically true.
    The world of mobility/ability aids is in *desperate* need of creativity, compassion, imagination, empathy… So many of these devices seem to be made for some hypothetical client who doesn’t want to *do* anything other than sit around being “disabled”. But we real people who need help, we don’t need help being disabled, we need help DOING things! I only see disabled athletes getting devices that help DO stuff, and there’s a very weird contradiction there that smacks of denial to me. The day I see a mobility scooter that can carry an infant seat, groceries for a large family, or tow the kids’ wagon to the playground, I’m sure I’ll fall over in a dead faint!

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