Little Death

"CHAOS AND ORDER", 2002, 40" x 40", m/m

"CHAOS AND ORDER", 2002, 40" x 40", m/m


La Petite Mort is the French phrase for orgasm. Little death.

I used it in the conversation we had the other day in our support group.

One person gasped as it was spoken.

Death of any kind is normally not spoken of, especially in an MS group.

The way in which I was using it spoke not of demise but of surrender.

The first fighting with, then, hopefully over time, softening into the new situation, new symptom, new realization, new reality.

It is A LOT to ask.. this surrendering we as those challenged with MS are faced with moment by moment.

Yesterday, I didn’t do too well in this department as one of my best friends called to deliver something she had borrowed and it was a day when mt tolerance level was LOW.

…so I asked if she would drop the thing at the door so she wouldn’t see me disheveled and the house disorderly and I would have to walk across the room to open the door.

Pity full.

But, at the same time, WHAT IS at least for the moment.

I called her back and said, “I’m being ridiculous. PLEASE come in when you arrive. I want to see you.”

And it made my day… to see her.

Nothing in my life was ordered at that moment. At least that is how it felt.

I didn’t want to be seen in my chaos.

My proud self wanted to look good and have all my ducks in a row.

I wanted my nervous system to be more tolerant and less jaggedy.

To be able to greet her with a soft and grateful heart.

Too bad, Cath….

My dear friend loves me.

I don’t seem to have to be convenient or pretty or totally ordered and together.

She loves me.

Oh dear.. I sound like Sally Field.

I don’t care if one suffers MS or Cancer or the actual death of a loved one or loss of a job, a friend, a handbag, gets a bad review or the company who made your favorite lipstick goes out of business.

It is all LOSS.

The familiar and counted upon is no longer.

A void is revealed.

Then the choice to look at it and feel it and decide to fill it or not arrives..

Free will and choice.

Damned good invention.


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