Inner Violence

Each time my health takes a turn..

Doesn’t matter which direction:

Feelin’ great! or… Oh, God.. make this stop….

Each time I change into something different than I was, I think I AM THAT THING FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugg…

Where is that intellectual enchantment I know and love that has me know the solace of the in-between?

That NO THING IS AS IT SEEMS IN A STATIC OR UNMOVING AND FIXED STATE.

The opposite of this inner violent state feels like I imagine it is when one gets off the plane after landing in Hawaii (ain’t been there yet..)

You walk off the aircraft and smooth, heavy, juicy air makes way for you to pass.

Someone with an unlined face respectfully offers to lay a garland of impossibly crimson and white scented flowers around your neck and gifts you with soft eyes and a slight bow as she retreats to let the gifts work their way into your blistered soul.

I am dry from this war.

A friend has a great saying: “Look without knowing and see what you see.” -Erich Schiffmann

It is that pesky KNOWING thing that gets me in trouble.

Having a ‘die-off’ reaction from a new medication?

Giant leap into the disability chasm…

Better not count on much of anything (plans,fun,projects,LIFE ITSELF!)..

‘Cause you’re goin’ DOWN..

Then…………

I wake up with color in my cheeks and I can walk much better and my joints don’t ache and I look beautiful to myself in the mirror.

Not an ounce of that previous experience was permanent but I had it written in stone in my war chest.

I exhaust myself.

comments

2 Responses to “Inner Violence”

  1. karen gordon on March 23rd, 2010

    “We are like people in a boat that is falling apart, trying to hold on to the water. The dynamic, energetic, and natural flow of the universe is not acceptable to conventional mind. Our prejudices and addictions are patterns that arise from the fear of a fluid world. Because we mistakenly take what is always changing to be permanent, we suffer.”

    I read that just a couple hours ago in Pema Chodron’s The Places That Scare You. Funny to come to your blog and see you writing about this same thing. I like this one too:

    “I feel gratitude to the Buddha for pointing out that what we struggle against all our lives can be acknowledged as ordinary experience. Life does continually go up and down. People and situations are unpredictable and so is everything else. Everybody knows the pain of getting what we don’t want: saints, sinners, winners, losers. I feel gratitude that someone saw the truth and pointed out that we don’t suffer this kind of pain because of our personal inability to get things right.”

    And the image you used to illustrate this post is incredible – alarming and violent but beautiful.

  2. deb farrow on March 25th, 2010

    Dear Kathy,

    I’ve been reading “Let the Great World Spin,” a rich novel written with great skill, humor and deep feeling. It reminds me of the way you write. I enjoy how you talk about your illness, but don’t dwell on it. MS is my undoing at times. You handle it well.

    It’s a pleasure to enjoy your artwork.

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