Alive


“BLUE”, 1998, 40″ x 6′, m/m
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I can’t remember who said this but it’s close to: ‘If something does not bring you alive then it’s too small for you.’

I watch what enlivens me.

Because if I don’t choose that path then the downward spiral’s got me.

When I woke this morning the world felt alien and dark.

I laid in bed until I felt the slightest invitation to once again rise and greet the day with my usual cricks and spasms and numb limbs.

My dog was curled at my back and she contained her frustration at my lethargy and deviation from her normal morning of early rooting around in her yard.

That compassion she afforded me brought me alive.

The wind chimes at my door break up the static of the outside world of chaos pressing in and allow a gentler threshold for me.

THAT brings me alive.

These things seem so small but I am being thrust into the present moment as I do my day as a disabled woman.

The word DISABLED is so weird…

I don’t FEEL disabled at my core but my physical self seems to fit that definition for the time being.

Disabled means that a thing loses the capacity to function in the way it used to.

I always thought that the feeling I got from adjusting myself to someone else’s needs and desires and thereby feeling some sort of CONNECTION was what feeling ALIVE was all about.

NOT.

And would I have learned this crucial key to thriving had I not been faced with this health challenge?

Would I still be the girl who was voted ‘most congenial’ in high school?

Or have people in my life with whom I feel safe and truly supported to be the best I can be?

I would never have known what was ‘too small for me’ had I not done the work to find my AUTHENTIC BASELINE and therefore have the clarity to FEEL CLEARLY WHAT DOES BRING ME ALIVE.

And that, right there, ladies and gentlemen, is the road to healing in my book.

Healing in the sense of taking FULL advantage of this precious gift of life; a truly MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL RELATIONSHIP with the essence of life.

Yes, the old patterns I held in me which kept overpowering the simple act of soaking in life without prodding or guiding or herding it onto a path trodden by the masses

ARE disabled now.

And I am glad. So very glad. And alive.

comments

3 Responses to “Alive”

  1. Laura Hegfield on May 2nd, 2010

    There is nothing I can add to this except to say…YES! Me too…this is what I am discovering about disability bringing me closer to the present moment, to the fullness of living.

    blessings,
    laura

  2. Courtney on May 2nd, 2010

    This is one of my favorite pieces – beautiful!

  3. Grace Olsson on May 3rd, 2010

    what can I say to U?ONLY…i admirate yoru capacity to show to us how muhc the people can be happy being disable or not.
    congrats
    have a nice day

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