Undefended Heart


“DIVIDED”, 1984, 5′ x 5′, pigment on wool flannel
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My body feels bad when I move through my life defending myself from stuff like the bad man staying with my landlady who kicked my dog yesterday (because she bit him on his shoe),

Or when I look at all the stuff I have to do and make excuses,

And then there’s the whole ‘MS thing’ that I defend myself against constantly.

Food is another issue for me as I am sensitive to so much that I now live in a borderline malnourished state because I am pretty much afraid to eat.

And I take pills to fend off symptoms that put a crimp in a life of freedom.

Then there’s the people that want to ‘fix’ me and know someone who has MS who was cured by traveling to Bolivia.

I’ve defended myself against the reality I needed a wheelchair for a long time.

And the amount of support I DO need is a constant source of alarm until I actually relax into it and receive the gift.

Does all this sound bitter?

Perhaps..

My heart feels so broad and able to recognize benevolent energy coming toward me when I put all the armor in the closet.

One benefit of dealing with a chronic illness is the fact that I haven’t the energy to keep my armor all shiny and ‘at-the-ready’ anymore..

And so.. I am rendered undefended.

And so have a better chance at love…

comments

One Response to “Undefended Heart”

  1. Judy on May 14th, 2010

    “One benefit of dealing with a chronic illness is the fact that I haven’t the energy to keep my armor all shiny and ‘at-the-ready’ anymore…”

    I’m learning. I’m learning. I’m … not there yet, though.

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