Freddy


6′ x 4.5′, m/m
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I went to Fredrick’s memorial the other day.

He took his own life at the top of his game.

He lived a very big, big life for still being in his 30’s.

Lots of people depended on him, looked up to him, had expectations of him.

He was a very smart, giant-hearted, rich and generous man.

He began as a collector of mine.

He had very good taste.

But besides that, he was an extremely refined gentleman and I loved him.

Celebrating him as we did the other day made me think about his choice to throw in the towel.

It shocked everyone and no one more than his beloved wife.

I thought about the various ‘lines’ I have had in my life so far.

Lines I never thought I wanted to or could live beyond.

Peed or shit in my pants? Done that.

Can’t find the strength to lift my body up to sitting from lying down and convinced the weakness was forever? Yep.

So depressed you can’t find the where-with-all to find a glimmer of an appealing future? Uh huh..

The thing is that each time I feel I have reached a line I can’t/ have no interest in going beyond.. I somehow pull it together to stick my toe in the waters beyond the line and find the weirdest thing…

That it was not my real ‘line’ after all.

And that the me who crossed the line is soaking in a new humility that helps me drop some of the hard and angular density of being human and take on a bit of translucency.

I can only imagine that my friend, Fredrick found himself at a line he could not find his way through.

If I love him, I cannot judge him for his choice.

Do I feel gypped because I don’t get any more of him? Yes.

But that is all about me..not him.

I loved you, Freddy. Love you still.

You left your mark on us and we wish you peace.

I am more because you were here.

comments

2 Responses to “Freddy”

  1. Dorothyanne Brown on July 24th, 2010

    Yes.
    I’ve had my toe on that line, too.
    Thank heavens you’ve had the strength to pull back, and I’m thankful I have, too. PS: love your art. Totally.

  2. Judy on July 24th, 2010

    I have a 90-year-old neighbor who is fighting with his last ounce to stay alive. He’s having a pacemaker put in on Monday. And honestly I don’t who has made the right decision, my neighbor or your friend. The line keeps shifting for me too but I won’t judge myself or your friend because that line one day becomes hard and fast. Should that day come, I hope I’ll be kind to myself and that others can try to understand, but like your friend there comes a point when the selfish act may be the only tenable act. I am no where near that today, but I also don’t believe in living just to live.

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