Unbecoming Behavior


untitled, 30″ x 30″, 1999, m/m
_______________________________

The process of getting well is fraught with bumps in the road.

For me, healing is a process affecting my emotional, spiritual, mental, psychic and physical selves.

Each change I make in one area shifts the others in some way.

Sometimes I am literally flattened and I don’t know why.

The thing I DO know is the more I let go of who I thought I was, the more I become uninterested in becoming.

It has been a life of pushing toward achievement for this girl.

Like a good and true American entity, I TRIED to go for the gold.

But in my art career “IT” eluded me.

Sure.. I made money sometimes and have magazines galore with beautiful spreads on my work.

A resume’ that tells the tale of decades of TRYING.

But is that it?

Is that the gold?

Truth be told, there was always a big MISSING in the life I led of creating art in my studio alone and driving it over to the gallery and sometimes getting a check in the mail.

I seldom knew the names of who took my work home to their living room or how they felt about it or what moved them enough to shell out the cash.

BUT I WAS AN ARTIST!!

With a genuine and shiny identity in my pocket.

And who is this girl who is getting out of bed at noon because her body is in revolt today and she doesn’t know why and can’t find the energy to care?

Instead of being in the process of BECOMING I am UN- BECOMING…

That artist girl is certainly still in here but she’s resting and healing from a lifetime of YEARNING for some damn thing that seems to be closer in to her these days, even as she lies still in the un-doing of it all..

comments

Leave a Reply