A Shadow of Herself

untitled monoprint, 1994, 22″ x 30″

Yesterday was a bit of a challenge for the girl.

I had an appointment with a new physical therapist whom I love.

She is well versed in neurological issues and can meet my gaze without going away like most PTs I’ve worked with seem to do when they crank out their work-a-day prescriptions.

One needs a different archive of knowledge when working with MS than with other issues and she has it.

The challenging part was the in-my-face incontrovertible changes in my precious body.

I have backed off moving to a large extent for a variety of reasons.

I often don’t glide through life gracefully like I used to and it makes me sad because I care about grace.

It is harder to get up off the floor after I work out so I avoid it altogether.

Uggg.. I sound whiney but really it is just hyper-alert. CATHY! WAKE UP! NOW!

The way I have always seemed to make transformational change is when reality becomes potent enough to burn it’s way through my self-inflicted fog, I ACT AND CHANGE.

So, I have decided to look for a stationary bicycle for work outs.

It solves the reticence to get-down-on-the-floor issue.

Would make me feel as if I am covering some ground.

Because I live alone I have no one to impress with my interior decorating choices.

And in lieu of the ballroom dancing lessons I crave, this should be good for the hips and one doesn’t need the fancy gown or special shoes.

My brother told me he was out for a 65 mile ride on his bike the other day with his lycra-wearing cronies.

My riding outfit likely won’t be so cool but I’ll see what I can do to entertain myself and my dog.

I love my body and I can tell it wants to serve me in a more whole way.

My job is to do everything I can to assist that end.

It’d be so much easier if we, humans didn’t wait so damn long to get the messages meant to help us move forward.

But that would water everything down and the theater might become less interesting.


“Cathy: you hate drama. Just get on the bike.”


2 Responses to “A Shadow of Herself”

  1. Peggy L Nelson on August 17th, 2010


    I have the same thoughts about getting on my treadmill. I even painted the room it is in, which is right across from my bedroom, a bright yellow. Thought it might make me more motivated… not so. I think this is another one of those inside jobs… and as Nike says: Just do it! Sucks though….


  2. Caitlin on August 18th, 2010

    Cathy, Check your snail mail today! Some extra bling to wear on the bike!
    And of course, “fancy gown or special shoes” would be FINE to wear riding!
    We found a stationary bike for $30 at Goodwill, parked it in front of TV/VCR …but it still is lonely. You will inspire me to get my butt on it and ride dear friend.

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