Wondering, Wandering


“BREAK”, 1993, 10″ x 10″, m/m
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One of my best girlfriends and I took our yearly jaunt up north a ways into Georgia O’Keeffe country.

We go there specifically with a list of intentions, wants, needs and the both of us take turns telling each other and the river and the giant cottonwood tree and whoever else is listening the direction we’d like our lives to head in.

When we have done this before I’m here to tell you.. STUFF HAPPENS!

It is quite astounding the power of witness and putting words to things usually just roiling around in my head.

We found our spot by the river and I sat on a log while she spread out on the land.

I wanted to do that but knew I’d never get up again.

As the afternoon wore on it got very hot and I thought it best to find shade.

But I couldn’t get up from the log!

In times like this I take my time and eventually find the right muscle combo to rise up like a phoenix.

But this time my friend who loves me so began to sob.

She was very angry that I was having to deal with MS and all that goes along with it.

She wanted perfect health for me and was stymied that the Universe would visit this terrible thing on her friend.

She was MAD, MAD, MAD. and sad.

She told me the story of her therapist who was diagnosed with Cancer and took herself out into the desert and “RAILED AGAINST THE MADNESS.”

I guess the woman spent the entire night yelling and crying and yelling some more at the injustice of her illness and how she wanted it GONE.

Seems it worked as she was Cancer-free after that night of madness.

Well, when my friend told me this story I started thinking: maybe I should do that; take myself out into the deep desert alone and get really mad.

Maybe there IS some energy block I need to release.

Maybe I would get healed.

Interestingly, as my friend held me and cried as she told this story, I let myself be held but the core of me was pretty neutral and she was in such a state.

I was just sitting there considering whether I should do the desert-thing and feeling very loved by my dear friend.

We left and as we drove home I was still in that kind of removed state. Just noticing from a few paces to the left.

I came to the conclusion when I got home that in order for me to do something as dramatic as this woman’s healing journey, I’d have to create a theater scene that I just don’t think is in me right now.

Weirdly, I don’t feel mad.

Most of me feels radiantly good, in fact.

Yeah, my leg and arm are not working great but in essence, I wouldn’t know where to go to call up that level of anger and perhaps get the instantaneous healing.

Does health mean a perfect body?

What about when your insides feel all lit up? Is that health?

I don’t know the answer but I do know that it would feel like going backwards for me to concoct a night of ‘raging at the enemy.’

My path is different.

The only thing I know to do is move forward when I am called to do so.

And just be still and listen if I don’t get the call.

comments

2 Responses to “Wondering, Wandering”

  1. Caitlin on August 11th, 2010

    Cathy, I’d listen to you tell that story over and over. Yet, I feel the same as you. Not angry. Just calm. Don’t agree w/angry messages about our chronic illness I see out there. It just is (at least today). Tired, grouchy and unproductive today – except healing beading – package on it’s way to you soon.

    PS I think I would love to have unlimited finances to buy your whole portfolio that’s not in galleries/living rooms already and decorate my house/gardens w/your energy.

    Love, the other C.

  2. Barry on August 12th, 2010

    This is a nice example of what I chose to refer to as “your blossoming maturity.”

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