Pushin’ Through

I had a day yesterday that actually scared me a bit.

I miraculously had enough energy to grocery shop.

A sweet, young teenager has been doing my shopping for me recently as well as a few saintly friends.

But yesterday was Sunday.

And I had no food.

I made my list, grabbed the dog and off we went.

I was sailing through the aisles feeling happy and strong.

Come time to pay and I realized my credit card had expired and the new one was at home.

I left the groceries in the store and drove home to get it.

Took every energy reviving thing I could think of: electrolytes, lots of water, other concoctions…

Drove BACK to the damn store and was grateful someone had left a cart by the handicapped parking I could hold on to as I went back in the store.

Collected my groceries and headed back to the car.

Drove home in a (not dangerous) fog, but a fog non-the-less.

In my driveway, I opened the hatchback and swore a hundred times at the bagger who had made each parcel over 75 lbs.

Hung bags on my walker like a Christmas tree and dropped a bottle of sparkling water on the ground.

Bend down to get it and my knees won’t let me get upright again.

I was stuck.

The options were to fall down and start over or…..

My LANDLADY pulls into her driveway and comes to help!

Whew….

I get all groceries inside and put away and hobble over to bed.

I am so tired I can’t even get my entire body lengthwise on the mattress and I surrender to sleep as my dog licks my face with worry.

I stay there motionless for four hours straight.

And the day is gone.

Why do I do these things to myself?

Granted, I got caught in a series of events I felt I HAD to push through or I would have forfeited the groceries.

The answer is probably close to something like: “it gives me a sense of accomplishment”.

But if I’m dead, who will be there to enjoy it?

I don’t know.. I see us all moving faster, doing more and doing it alone.

And I wonder…

Wouldn’t the time and energy be better spent in gentler pursuits?

Sigh…………….

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