Too Tired


hand-painted textile, pigment on wool flannel
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Sometimes, I start feeling so good

That I forget.

It happened yesterday as I literally soared through my day.

It was a full one, to be sure.

I got up early, wrote, meditated, rode my new exercise bike, take Olivia for a roll, take lots of supplements and make a smoothee.

Take a shower, make myself beautiful, go to meetings and appointments, deal with disability stuff, rifle through unfiled papers to find something.

Go to storage unit and pray I can find one special photo to send to high school chum putting together a memorial for a friend, get dirty, dirty, dirty, find the photo, too filthy to do anything in public so go home.

Need gas in car to go further.

Hold my head in hands as I sit in car and wonder if I have it in me to do this.

Don’t cry but want to.

Save it for later.

Open car door, get out the walker, put in the gas while leaning up against car for support, get dirtier, put walker back in car.

Energy dangerously close to gone so stop at MacDonald’s for an iced tea to re-hydrate.

Pull over to side of road to be safe and rest while drinking tea.

Let seat all the way down to rest while I reclaim myself. Dog sits on chest.

Finally feel good enough to go home.

Pull in driveway and say prayer of gratitude I made it.

Unplug phone and computer and crash.

This kind of tiredness does not happen to me too often anymore.

It used to be my constant companion for years.

So, in a way, days like yesterday are good as they help me remember what is easy to forget:

That I AM HEALTHIER to be sure.

I could NEVER have pressed through a packed day like yesterday a year ago.

But I have got to take care.

Take extra good care of the health I’ve fought for and won.

Not squander it willy-nilly in undeserving corners.

I slept and slept and slept and slept last night.

And this morning I seem to get a reprieve..

Another go at the ‘life-in-moderation-for-the-moment’ thing.

It is another opportunity to refine my precious life.

A wake up call to my own value.

I want to live.

And live well.

So.. I’ll use today to begin again.

And thank God I can.

comments

One Response to “Too Tired”

  1. Laura Hegfield on September 21st, 2010

    oh Cathy….I am so present to your experience…it is mine too. this dance of doing going life fuller and fuller and then crash…slow it down again…and gratitude so much gratitude.

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